Nyx
by T.M.K.06
Summary: Post Season 5. House in Mayfield and then home has unexpected dreams. Some supernaturalish elements, but not truly supernatural. Some very mild spoilers for S6. Later chapters commenting on S6 episodes as they show. Completed.
1. In Your Dreams

**Nyx**

In Your Dreams…

The hallucinations had stopped as soon as the detox was complete but the pain had begun. The new pain management regime wasn't to his liking but he had to put up with it. The pain was ok, manageable, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he slept like the dead. And he slept all the time – or so it felt like to him. He was out like a light the moment his head hit the pillow and he didn't wake up until they came to wake him. Now, for a chronic insomniac that ought to have been good news, but it wasn't because he still felt tired after hours of sleep. They told him that it was after effect; the detox and the hallucinations had knocked the stuffing out of him and he was as much emotionally exhausted as he was physically tired. He didn't like it. He hated "emotional exhaustion". Emotions had never done him any good and then they did a number like this on him. Mostly he hated not being lucid, not having a clear head, needing time to put words and thoughts together. A Kingdom for a lucid thought! Only his "kingdom" had been taken away from him. Ok, so officially he had given it up himself since he had come here voluntarily, but that wasn't the real truth. In reality he had had no choice. He wasn't safe so he had to come somewhere where he couldn't do harm. "Do no harm", he nearly laughed in his sleep. Good old Hippocrates. Not that those words actually were in the Hippocratic oath – either the old one or the new version, but so what. Hippocrates had still written those words and it wasn't a bad idea in general. Things just didn't always work that way. Sure they said that you couldn't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, but sometimes the eggs broke even when you weren't making an omelette. House opened his eyes and looked around. Damn, still in the funny farm. He couldn't escape even in his dreams.

"Would you want to?" A voice came from somewhere. House frowned and looked around. There was someone in the shadows.

"I can't see you," House complained.

A woman emerged from the darkness, though somehow she seemed to rather carry the darkness with her. It wasn't her dark skin and dark hair and dark clothes; it was something else about her that was the darkness. She was amazingly beautiful, almost awful in her beauty. Her skin was almost ebony, her long, straight hair was black as the darkest of nights, her eyes were the colour of coal and her robes were like woven onyx. She looked young in an odd, ageless way and though her skin was dark, she didn't really look like she was of any ethnicity.

"And who the hell are you?!" House wanted to know, though he felt a twinge of almost primal fear. Great, night terrors were just what he needed to perfect his existence.

"I'm Nyx", the woman responded in a deep, melodious voice. It washed over House like a warm, tropical wind when you stand on the beach on a moonless night.

"Figures," House sighed. Yeah, Night terrors it was going to be. "Nyx, the Night - the mother of blame, death and retribution. And not necessarily in that order. To what do I owe this honour – or do I even need to ask?"

"Actually, you do need to ask," Nyx responded with a small smile. "I'm not here to terrorise you. I'm here to help."

"Help?" House didn't feel very reassured. "Dreams are the products of the subconscious mind. Last time my subconscious mind produced Amber. She, too, claimed to be on my side, but she didn't actually help."

"True," Nyx agreed. "But she was a hallucination. I'm a dream. Or at least I am in your dream."

"I'm not sure I like the sound of that," House frowned. "You make it sound like you might exist outside of my mind. Or even be somehow independent of me."

"I am Night," Nyx pointed out. "Is it unreasonable to claim that there is Night elsewhere as well and not just in your mind?"

"Maybe not," House conceded. "But I'm still not trusting you."

"Probably a good idea," Nyx nodded. "However I am here to help you find your way out of the chaos in your mind."

"Well, I suppose that explains why I picked you," House muttered. "Who better to help with Chaos than the Daughter of Chaos."

"Who indeed," Nyx smiled again. "But you haven't answered my question yet. Would you like to escape this place?"

"For real or just in my dreams?" House nearly sneered.

"I'm only here in your dreams so yes, just in your dreams," Nyx responded. "Besides, I already know that you would like to escape here for real."

"But why would I want to do that when I came here of my own free will?" House argued.

"Free will or not, you don't really want to be here, you just feel you have no choice," Nyx pointed out. "Besides, your main aim was to get rid of the hallucinations and to detox. You've done both and now you start to feel like you could handle the rest of it all on your own. As long as they get your pain under control, that is. You only came here instead of a normal rehab facility because here they have better ways of making sure you really do detox and don't cheat."

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But to answer your question, yeah, I'd like to escape here even if only in my dreams."

"Ok, follow me," Nyx turned to lead the way through the wall. House hesitated for a second, but then he figured that if he was going to have night mares he would have them regardless of his dream location so he followed.


	2. Up the Garden Path

Up the Garden Path

House followed Nyx into a corridor. Only once he was inside the corridor did he realise that it wasn't actually a corridor, more like an overgrown garden path. Or maybe a maze? Anyway, he figured he better stay close to Nyx because he had no way of finding his way out of this. At least not before morning when the orderly came to wake him up and give him his meds. He really didn't fancy the idea of being lost in a mystical maze until then.

"Don't worry," Nyx's voice said to him. "I'm not going to lose you. Just walk straight on and we'll get there in no time."

"Get where?" House muttered.

"My daughter's garden," Nyx replied. "It's a very private and quiet place."

"So is a grave," House sighed to himself – but of course there was no "to himself" in a dream.

Nyx laughed. "Just because my daughter is Death, does not mean I'm taking you to your grave. I just happen to like her garden, especially at night when I can have it to myself. Most of the time at least."

"But Thanatos is male, surely?" House frowned. He was sure that Greek Mythology saw death as male.

"Just because people 'see' something, does not always make it so," Nyx shrugged. "Besides, spirits can take any appearance they prefer. Gender is not a fixed, nor important concept for us. But I definitely gave birth to a daughter when I had Death. However, the ancient Greeks could not accept the idea that such a powerful force as death could possibly be female. And that is rather surprising considering that they did see women as bringers of death."

"How so?" This dream was surely taking a bizarre turn. House was shaking his head in confusion.

"Women are the ones who bring forth life by giving birth," Nyx explained as she walked towards what looked like the end of the path – or a tunnel - they had been travelling. "Everything living will die one day, thus life carries death within itself. So those who bring forth life also bring forth death. Same coin, different sides. Ah, here we are!"

House followed Nyx out of the tunnel. He assumed that his eyes had got used to the darkness as he could see a lot more now than he had originally been able to. The night was overcast so he should not have been able to make out much of the garden, but he did. Somehow it reminded him of English gardens. There was a wall surrounding the place, but it didn't feel enclosed. Neat paths meandered between the flowerbeds and the night was full of all kinds of fragrances both from herbs and flowers. It was warm, soothing and felt alive.

"This is Death's Garden?" House asked.

"Yes," Nyx smiled. "This is the Garden of Death. Surprised?"

"I didn't expect it to be so… alive I suppose," House shrugged. "I guess I expected something a bit more barren."

"As I just said, everything alive carries death in it," Nyx reminded him. "Follow me; there is a gazebo in the rose garden. I like to sit there at night when the scent of the roses is strongest."

"O great," House sighed. "You have any puppies there, too?"

"Now, now," Nyx mildly admonished him. "I'm not trying to cure you with puppies and walks in the rain. I just want to have this conversation somewhere distinctly not Mayfield. Do you really have a problem with that?"

"No, sorry," House admitted grudgingly. "This is your show, so lead on."

Without further words Nyx did lead the way to a gazebo that was surrounded by all kinds of roses. The scent was indeed strong but mellow in the night air. It felt surprisingly relaxing and House was quite content to deposit his body on one of the lounging chairs inside. Out of habit he used his hands to lift his leg to the chair though he felt no pain. Of course, he never felt pain in his dreams. As usual he also walked without his cane.

"This place seems oddly familiar," House mused.

"You may have been here before," Nyx suggested. "Or it's just your familiarity with my daughter. She did once complain that she is hanging so much around you that she is starting to feel like your guardian angel!"

"I don't think I have ever met your daughter," House insisted.

"Oh really!" Nyx laughed. "You may be her most constant courtier. I'm not saying you want to die but there have been several times when you haven't cared if you live."

"But I haven't killed myself," House stated almost with some aggression.

"Not for lack of trying," Nyx retorted blandly.

"Ok, never mind, so what is this conversation supposed to be about?" House decided to change the subject.

"Your sanity," Nyx responded.

"That should be a short conversation now that I have detoxed and got rid of the hallucinations," House evaded.

"House," Nyx looked at him gravely. "I was not born yesterday. You know as well as I do that Vicodin was not the main reason for the hallucinations and delusions."

"I have detoxed, the hallucinations have ended, what more do you want?" House insisted.

"I want you to face the real reasons for your hallucinations," Nyx sighed. "It's not just that you hallucinated – or had delusions – it's also what you hallucinated."

"Is this where you introduce me to your other children?" House demanded. "Are Momus and Nemesis waiting in the wings?"

"No. I'm not here to distribute Blame or Retribution," Nyx denied. "I don't need to bring my children into this. You blame yourself quite enough for a number of things without any help from anyone. I really am here just to help you."

"Well, I suppose I have to believe you for now," House accepted. "I'm reserving the right to change my mind though."

"So you should," Nyx accepted. "This is your mind we are talking about. Others can help illuminate your problems, but only you can actually see them."

"If you are a figment of my mind," House pondered. "Then you really ought to be able to see, too, what is going on in my mind."

"True," Nyx nodded. "If I am a figment of your mind."

"There you go again," House accused. "Trying to make me think you're an independent identity. Next you will be telling me there is a God!"

"One God?" Nyx tilted her head like she was weighing something. "I know there are gods. For some it is Money, for some it is Fame, for some it is Reason. For some I am a Goddess, though one of many not just The One. But if you are asking me is there a God or Gods, as understood in most religions, then I cannot answer you. This is your dream. I can only tell you what you already know – even if you don't know you know it – and what you already believe."

"Why do I feel like there is an evasion in there somewhere?" House queried.

"Maybe because in someone else's dream I would be different," Nyx shrugged nonchalantly. "I know it is frustrating, but I'm not here to mess with your mind."

"Well for someone who isn't trying, you are doing one heck of a job!" House pointed out.

"Maybe," Nyx acknowledged. "But at least you are lucid enough to get it. In fact, you're pretty much like your normal self."

"Yeah," House scoffed. "In my dreams!"

"Don't scoff it," Nyx advised. "It is a start. And you do need to start somewhere."


	3. What Is Dark in Me

What Is Dark in Me

"Why don't you want to talk to your psychiatrist?" Nyx asked after a somewhat lengthy silence.

"Cause he's and idiot," House replied succinctly.

"Your shrink is one of the best in his field," Nyx pointed out.

"But he is still a shrink," House pointed out. "If he wasn't an idiot he wouldn't be a shrink."

"Dr Milton is a shrink," Nyx mused. "Is she an idiot?"

"Well she got herself stranded on the South Pole and nearly got herself killed because she wasn't smart enough to let me knock her socks off," House tried to dismiss the subject.

"But is she an idiot?" Nyx repeated her question.

"Well, no," House admitted. "But every rule has an exception. My current shrink definitely is an idiot."

"So you don't want to talk to him because he is an idiot," Nyx repeated. "You really think he can't help you in any way?"

"What would be the point?" House shrugged. "Shrinks are conditioned to think that everything goes back to your childhood and that's it."

"You mean that they tend to believe that everyone who has mental problems had at minimum one abusive parent?" Nyx queried with some flippancy in her voice. "Or at least wasn't loved enough as a child."

"It's always the parents for them," House shrugged again. "They are idiots."

"Shrinks or parents?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Both, usually," House gave a short laugh.

"So you don't agree that your childhood has something to do with you being here now?" Nyx sounded doubtful. "You think your formative years were just fine and your parents were just fine? In fact, your sainted father might just turn in his grave over the mere suggestion that he was anything but a perfect father?" Nyx's voice gained a hefty load of sarcasm towards the end.

"He would, you know," House insisted. "He never could accept even the idea that he could be wrong. Or that he was lacking somehow. The idea that he wasn't a good father would have been totally alien to him. The problem between us, according to him, was that I wasn't a good son."

"Were you?" Nyx asked. "A good son?"

"No," House shrugged – once again. "I did try, at least at first, but there was no point so I just tried to stay out of trouble and under his radar as much as possible."

"Was it your job?" Nyx threw in.

"My job?" House was mystified. "I wasn't a doctor then and whatever was broken between us was broken long before I ever entered medical school. Mind you, he did expect me to join the military, but it was clear long before pre-med that that wasn't going to happen."

"No, I didn't mean was your job the problem," Nyx clarified. "I meant that was it your job to be a good son?"

"I don't understand," House had to admit.

"When a child is given to the parents," Nyx explained. "The parents take on the job of raising the said child. They agree to see him or her to adulthood. The parents make a choice when they have the child, no matter how that child comes to them. Your friend Lisa chose to take Rachel and she has every intention of doing her very best to give her a good childhood and to raise her up. But Rachel had no say in any of it. She may end up resenting her mother, she may rebel against the way her mother is raising her, and she may choose a totally different path for herself than what her mother is trying to guide her towards. If so, would she be wrong?"

"She would be an idiot," House snorted. "Cuddy is a good mother and she loves Rachel more than anything in this world. Sure it will be difficult with her career and being a single mother, but she will do her best. And her best is usually pretty awesome. Any kid is lucky to have her for a mother."

"But according to you most people are idiots," Nyx reminded him. "Why would Rachel be an exception? Besides, children usually do rebel against their parents sooner or later. It's just how things work. It's part of the process of learning independence."

"Yeah, maybe," House conceded.

"So, do you think that Rachel's job is to be a good daughter?" Nyx rephrased her question. "Is she obliged to be grateful to Lisa for adopting her and not letting her disappear into the system? Must she always be what Lisa wants her to be because Lisa wanted her when her grandparents didn't?"

"No, of course not," House sighed. "She had no say. Cuddy wouldn't even want gratitude. In fact, that would probably kill her. She loves Rachel like she had really given birth to her; to get anything but unconditional love in return would really kill her. She wants Rachel to grow up to be the best Rachel she can be. That's really all."

"Was that 'all' with you?" Nyx wanted to know. "Was that what your parents wanted? For you to be the 'best Gregory' you can be?"

"I was expected to be a credit to the name 'House'", House muttered avoiding Nyx's gaze.

"So 'Gregory' didn't matter," Nyx summed it up. "Just what your father thought would be good for his reputation. I'm assuming appearance also mattered more than the true facts of each case?"

"Yeah," House nodded. "It didn't matter if you were right or wrong as long as it looked good. You didn't argue with authority even when the authority was wrong. You didn't fight for something just because it was right; you fought only when you could get something out of it for yourself. And even then you didn't defy authority."

"So you started to defy authority for the sake of defying authority?" Nyx suggested.

"No," House denied. "I loved defying authority, that is true, but I only did it when I knew I was right. There is no point of going against authority when you're wrong; you just get beaten up for no good reason. I only defy authority when I'm right or the authority stands in my way when I am trying to find what is right."

"Present tense?" Nyx inquired. "Weren't we speaking of your childhood and how it does **not** affect you today?"

"Think you tricked me into revealing something important?" House sneered. "Yes, present tense. I have problems with authority that go back to my childhood. I never said that my childhood didn't help make me what I am now – good and bad. I just refuse to accept that everything I am is because of my father. I survived my childhood; I'm ok with it. Yes, it hurt me but I'm an adult now. I make my own choices and my own mistakes. If my shrink wants to find out why I hallucinated, he can't find the answers in my childhood."

"He might find some answers there," Nyx pointed out. "Or is that the problem?"

"You think I don't want answers?" House demanded. "I always want answers!"

"True," Nyx accepted. "But some answers you don't want to share."

"What do you mean?" House gave Nyx a suspicious stare.

"You have never been afraid of the night," Nyx replied with gravity. "You have never feared the night outside or inside people. You have always been more curious about things the darkness hides. You really do want to know. But sometimes, especially when looking into the darkness inside you, you find things that hurt. Then you post up signs saying 'do not trespass' and you stay away from them. And especially you keep everyone else away from them too. You know what is in there. You don't need to go there again and you especially don't want to go there again because it hurts. Avoiding hurt is a perfectly understandable reaction. Who wants to get hurt! But on the other hand, if you must, you will go there again. You will risk hurt if you see any benefit in it. You just don't want any company when you do go there. And that is why you don't really want to talk to your psychiatrist. The drugs they are currently giving you for your pain make you groggy. Your defences aren't properly up and you are sure you will slip up and show him at least some of the places that hurt. And you most definitely don't want that. You prefer hurting alone."

"Piff," House didn't know quite what to say. "I can deal with my own issues. I don't need some idiot shrink holding my hand and pretending to care."

"From what I have seen of him, I don't think he's the type to hold hands," Nyx pondered. "He looks much more like someone who would take you by the shoulders and try to shake some sense into you. But he does look like someone who cares - maybe not about your feelings but definitely about your sanity. He might be a good man to have in your corner right now."

"Well, if he is so concerned about my sanity he should spend more time in trying to find me meds that don't leave me half asleep!" House exclaimed. "Now that I'm off the Vicodin I'm ok as soon as they get my pain under proper control. I haven't had a single hallucination since I completed the detox. There is nothing wrong with my sanity anymore."

"The Vicodin may have caused the hallucinations," Nyx agreed. "But something else directed them. Are you quite sure that those other things won't affect your judgement even if the hallucinations and delusions won't come back. Besides, are you sure it was just Vicodin that made you hallucinate? You have taken it for a long time, why would they affect you that way now? You need to be sure."

"I can figure it out on my own," House insisted. "I am a doctor, you know."

"But not trained in psychiatry," Nyx counter-insisted. "You have seen how the mind sometimes makes people ill - you were the one who came up with the broken-heart-syndrome diagnosis for that fireman."

"And I was wrong!" House was quick to remind her.

"True," Nyx had to agree. "But it was still a valid diagnosis and could have been right. You have also made enough psych referrals to know that sometimes psychiatric help is necessary and beneficial. Why not give it a whirl? You can always stop if it doesn't help."

"As this is my dream," House mused. "And you are a figment of my subconscious mind, am I supposed to conclude that I actually want to talk to the shrink?"

"That may be putting it a bit strongly," Nyx smiled. "Maybe it's more a case of curiosity. You are curious about how he can help you or if he can. You are sceptical about it, no denying that, but there is also the practical point that until he clears you, you will not be allowed to practice again."

"Ouch," House accepted. "Straight to the jugular. That rather is the heart of the matter."

"Something you need to think about," Nyx agreed.


	4. Motherly Love

Motherly Love

House had woken up from his dreams as an orderly shook him awake so that he could take his meds. He had gone on with his daily routines lethargically, as usual, but fortunately he was able to function pretty well all in all. At least nobody needed to feed him or anything. He also had a meeting with his shrink again, but he was really too tired to contribute much to the session. The good thing was that finally the shrink realised that the medication was maybe hindering the proceedings.

"We could lower your dosage," the shrink had pondered. "But I fear that we cannot really control your pain very well if we do."

"Trade," House had replied succinctly.

"You mean you're willing to suffer some pain if your mind is more lucid?" the shrink had surmised.

"Have a cookie," House had offered.

"Are you telling me that you are willing to suffer some pain in exchange?" the shrink wanted to be sure.

"Always have," House muttered.

"Well, if you're ok with it," the shrink accepted, "Then we can try. I'll lower the dosage and we'll see what happens."

The dosage was lowered immediately, but it didn't have any immediate effect – except being less effective for the pain, but it wasn't too bad. House still felt tired but he was hoping to be more lucid in time – he wasn't actually that optimistic about it since he was sure it was the drug not just the dosage, but he was willing to try anything. At least the shrink had got the point that something needed to be done. Again, he was happy to reach his bed and fall asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. It seemed that Nyx had been waiting for him. He opened his eyes and found himself in the garden again.

"Are you stalking me or something?" House asked only partly in jest.

"You came to me not the other way around. But even if I was," Nyx shrugged. "Would you object?"

"Don't know yet," House stated. "Depends on how annoying you intend to be."

"By your standards… Quite annoying I imagine," Nyx smiled. "So how was the shrink today?"

"Hopeless," House stated. "But at least he found enough brains to figure out that he needs to change my meds."

"That is good," Nyx agreed. "But did you talk with him?"

"That was a bit hard since I kept nodding off," House shrugged.

"Accidentally on purpose?" Nyx suggested.

"Sort of," House accepted. "I wasn't really trying to keep awake, but I was genuinely sleeping."

"You do know that he will expect you to talk eventually?" Nyx reminded House.

"Yeah," House sighed. "He will want to dig up something from my childhood that he can then use to explain all about me. Idiot."

"Ah, we're back to your favourite word!" Nyx exclaimed. "You know perfectly well that even if your childhood doesn't explain all of you, the seeds of what you are were sown then."

"You know, I'm really not that keen to talk about my childhood," House complained.

"No, I don't, actually," Nyx contradicted him. "This is your dream, remember. If you are dreaming this, then it must mean that you at least acknowledge that your childhood is something you need to deal with."

"I've dealt with it," House insisted. "I know my Dad wasn't my biological father, but he was still the only Dad I had. I may not be happy with it, but I'm fine with it. As my Mother said; the war is over. Let it rest."

"Ok, good, if that is what you feel about your Dad," Nyx allowed. "But what about your Mother?"

"What about Mom?" House frowned. "She loves me and I love her. What is there to 'deal with'?"

"So you're ok with it that she sold you up-river?" Nyx queried.

"What are you talking about?" House demanded.

"I'm not saying that your mother doesn't love you," Nyx insisted. "Nor that she doesn't think you're perfect. I am talking about her teaching you that everything comes with conditions and sometimes you only find the conditions when it is too late."

"You really need to explain yourself a little better," House was getting angry. "My Mom is a good mother."

"Don't try to tell me who is a good mother," Nyx retorted. "I know all about that. The hard way."

"And that makes you an expert?" House challenged her.

"It makes me an expert when it comes to seeing the lies parents tell themselves," Nyx rejoined. "I know every one of them."

"Really?" House didn't sound very convincing.

"I have a daughter," Nyx enunciated. "Hemera – The Day. She wasn't my first child but she was my first daughter. I expected her to be everything I could possibly want a daughter of mine to be. I pushed her and ended up pushing her so far away from me that when her time to choose what she wants to be came, she chose to be everything I wasn't. She chose to be The Day so we would never meet again."

"What has that got to do with me and my Mom?" House demanded.

"As I said, I'm an expert at the lies parents tell themselves," Nyx repeated. "Your Mother was unfaithful to your father. She may have had her reasons and she may have been truly in love, I don't know. But she still had an affair. Divorce was out of the question at the time – it would have ended two careers had there been a divorce. She patched up her marriage as best she could, as did your Dad, but you ended up paying the price for it."

"I don't get your point," House denied.

"Your Mother taught you that you that everything is conditional," Nyx sighed. "You just don't always know the conditions until it's too late. She patched up her marriage but you paid the price for it. She loves you, there is no denying it. She did her best to be a good mother to you – according to her nature. But there was a price. You know your father knew you weren't his. Do you think he would have been as insistent about you conforming to his idea of what a 'House' is supposed to be if you had been his biological son? Do you think he would have thought you needed 'teaching' as much had you been his? And do you really think your Mother didn't – even if only deep down – know that you were paying the price for her infidelity? It wasn't a war you had with your father, was it? It was Retribution – only you were the innocent target."

"You don't know what you're talking about," House ground from between his teeth.

"If you say so," Nyx shrugged. "But you ought to remember that this is your dream and, as you said, dreams are the products or your subconscious."

"And here I was thinking that Dreams were your children!" House replied with some hostility.

"The Oneiroi?" Nyx retorted. "Yes, the Dreams are my children, but they still take form as you direct them."

"So, are you trying to tell me that I shouldn't love my Mom?" House asked.

"No," Nyx replied. "I'm not telling you anything of the sort. Your Mother does love you; there is no question about it. She thinks you are perfect as well she should. But what I am telling you is that you don't need to make excuses for her. She was wrong. Humans so often are. But that is no reason to stop loving them. It just means that you don't have to love everything they do! Just because you don't think she was a perfect mother does not mean you need to think she didn't do as best she could within her nature and given her upbringing. Just accept that she made mistakes but she does love you."

"And loving makes it all just fine?" House didn't sound very convinced.

"Not all, but a lot," Nyx asserted. "But unless you accept your Mother's part in the difficulties you experienced as a child, you cannot really deal with them. I'm not saying that the greater problem wasn't your Father, but you need to deal with your Mother's part in it all as well."

"Maybe," House relented a little. "I'll give it some thought, though I'm not at all convinced that you know what you're talking about."

"Fair enough," Nyx accepted. "It's not like any of this is really my own idea. I'm just bringing things from your subconscious to your attention."

"So kind or you to bother," House replied with deep sarcasm.

"You're welcome," Nyx accepted nonchalantly.


	5. Dream on

Dream on

"I don't accept your reading of my Mom," House stated after a very long silence during which he had been staring at the ceiling of the gazebo with a frown on his face.

"What other explanation do you have?" Nyx asked.

"I don't know," House had to admit. "But whatever it is, it isn't anything as harsh as you made it sound like."

"Maybe not," Nyx shrugged. "But tell me what part of my analysis is essentially wrong?"

"Just because my Mom doesn't like confrontations, does not make her… I don't know," House wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say. "She did her best!"

"I know," Nyx agreed gently. "But you need to accept that her best wasn't quite enough. She did teach you that even Mother's love is conditional. She loves you, never doubt that. But there was a limit to what she was willing to sacrifice for you. And she did teach you, even if you haven't consciously acknowledge it, that Motherly love is not unselfish. Mine certainly hasn't been."

"I have seen women sacrifice their lives to bring their kids to this world," House countered.

"Yes," Nyx accepted. "When they are pregnant or have only just given birth. When their hormones dictate their actions. If something else is stronger than their hormones, like drugs or alcohol, you have also seen mothers not give a damn about the foetus."

"I'm sure you understand if I'm unwilling to compare my Mom with a drug addict," House pointed out dryly.

"I wasn't comparing her to one either," Nyx reminded him. "I was talking about motherly love in general. I'm sure when you were a baby she put your welfare first. But when you grew older, the dynamics changed."

"Maybe," House nodded. "But I still will not blame her."

"You shouldn't," Nyx stated. "But you should accept that she wasn't perfect. That is all I'm trying to make you acknowledge. Because if you don't acknowledge that she wasn't perfect you can't forgive her for not having been perfect."

"What difference does that make?" House wanted to know. "If I love her as I think … You're right. If I love her as I think she is, then I don't actually love her as she is, and then what is the worth of my love?"

"Also, you need to accept that though her love for you isn't perfect," Nyx elaborated. "It is still real. She tells you that she thinks you're perfect, but what she really means is that she doesn't want to change you. She loves you as you are. People can love you as you are."

"You are going a bit more general here than just a Mother's love," House observed.

"Our parents teach us how to be loved," Nyx shrugged. "But they are also human beings and as such they screw up. We all do. And because we all do screw up, we need to have tolerance for human imperfections."

"Tolerance isn't exactly my strong suit," House muttered.

"No?" Nyx was surprised. "That's strange. I had you pegged as one of the most tolerant people I know. Patient, no, not even a little. Easily bored, yes, especially when people are behaving like idiots. But tolerant, most definitely. You don't really expect people to be anything they aren't. Yeah, you have your pet hates, but you tolerate even religious people when you are sure they really believe! That they have truly considered their options and have chosen their path with open eyes. Yes, you do mouth a lot of intolerant and racist and chauvinistic views, but there is no conviction there. You just love to shock people, make them think why they find your words so offensive. Maybe even examine their own views. Ok, so you seldom succeed in that, but at least you have fun watching their reactions."

"If you really are my subconscious," House mused. "That sounds very self-satisfied. I know I'm arrogant, but only about things I have earned the right to be arrogant about."

"Like your intelligence?" Nyx surmised. "But intolerance is the refuge of a weak mind."

"So is total tolerance," House pointed out. "Accepting everything and condemning nothing is equally weak-minded as condemning everything and accepting nothing. Both scenarios mean that you haven't done your own thinking. Or you don't have with what to do your own thinking."

"People always tell you that you have no ethics," Nyx reminded him. "Does that mean you have a weak mind?"

"You know perfectly well that I have ethics," House scoffed. "They're just not the same as everybody else's. I seek truth. Yeah, I know it's a rare commodity, which is why I limit my search to medicine, but I still need to find it. Right and wrong do exist. So, sometimes you need to break some rules to get there, but I have never been that big on rules or authority. Besides, rules are for those who don't know what they are looking for."

"And you do know what it is you are looking for?" Nyx asked.

"In medicine, I do," House qualified.

"And what are you looking for when it's not about medicine?" Nyx persisted.

"The meaning of life," House shrugged.

"Forty-two," Nyx replied dryly.

"My favourite number," House smiled.

"So I understand," Nyx nodded. "But you're not really looking for that. Not the meaning of life in general. You just want your life to have meaning."

"Doesn't everyone?" House shrugged again.

"Yes, absolutely," Nyx agreed. "But the thing is that medicine, the puzzles, used to be enough for you. Now it isn't. You need something more. Now, when you don't have a puzzle, you just tolerate the rest of your life. IF you tolerate the rest of your life."

"Medicine is leaving me," House verbalized. "I'm not sure I will be able to work as a doctor again."

"I don't think that is your true worry," Nyx doubted. "You are more than likely suffering from some form of burn-out. Once you're out of here, you will get your license back in due time. What you really fear is not that you can't be a doctor; you fear you can't be the kind of doctor you used to be. You already once chose being a great doctor and being in pain over being a good doctor and being painless. If the job you're doing is something anyone can do, you'd rather let anyone do it. You need something your own, something nobody else can do. You need to be there for those patients who have nobody else they can turn to. You need to be their last hope."

"Come on, that is so lame!" House tried to deny.

"You are forgetting that Hope is one of my daughters," Nyx pointed out. "I know her when I see her. And she hangs around you almost as much as Death does!"

"Look, I'm not trying to give people hope or anything like that," House insisted. "So I save lives when I solve puzzles, but that's just collateral damage."

"If I really am a representation of your subconscious," Nyx smiled. "Do you really think you can convince me with your blustering? We both know you care. You just try not to, because objectivity is what saves your patients."

"God, but you're annoying," House exclaimed. "You're even worse than Amber was!"

"Just imagine how Wilson feels dealing with you every day," Nyx laughed out loud.

"Oh, go hang yourself!" House retorted in exasperation.

"Sorry, that wouldn't help," Nyx informed him. "I'm immortal."

"So wake me up or something then," House suggested.

"Sorry, can't do that either," Nyx lamented. "You're stuck with me till morning."

"Oh, joy!" House bemoaned. "The shrink better find me some new meds soon."


	6. Reasons

Reasons

"So why medicine?" Nyx asked.

"You don't need to talk to me," House grunted.

"Oh, come on," Nyx smiled. "We need to entertain ourselves somehow until you wake up. There is still plenty of Night left."

"Spare me the bad puns, please!" House exclaimed.

"Answer my question!" Nyx traded.

"And what was your question again?" House relented. He had learned his lesson with Amber; ignoring a female that had been conjured up by his subconscious just didn't work.

"Why medicine?" Nyx repeated. "And I don't mean what pointed you to the direction of medicine – I know all about Japan. But plenty of people have something in their youth that makes them think they want to be doctors only to change their minds once they get to pre-med. What made you stick with it?"

"I'm not sure," House sighed. "From the start I was fascinated with the workings of human body and how it interacted with all kinds of illnesses and conditions. Sometimes two illnesses had exactly the same symptoms with only the most minute difference, and for some reason I seemed to be able to focus on that difference. I just had a nose for the odd, the unusual, the weird. As the result of paying attention to unusual details I was right a lot. I was in trouble a lot, too, because I was right and didn't really feel the need to be modest about it, but the point was that I was right. And I liked the feeling. And by the time I started to be wrong, too, I had already got addicted to the feeling of being right."

"So how did you like being wrong, all of a sudden?" Nyx didn't really make it sound like a question.

"Naturally I didn't," House shrugged. "I hated it. But eventually I realised that even when I was wrong, I learned something that helped me find the right answer. In time I realised that I need to be wrong quite a few times before I can eventually be right. I just need to be sure the patient is still alive after I have been wrong."

"Yes, that is rather the trick, if you want to eventually find the right answer," Nyx agreed.

"That is also why you can't dwell on the 'wrong'," House mused. "If you get too hung up on your wrong answer, you will make more mistakes – or the patient dies while you nurse your bruised ego. You need to move on. Take what you learned from your mistake to the next round, but get into the ring immediately. Hesitation often kills the patient more surely than action."

"Did you lose a patient while you nursed your bruised ego?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Oddly enough, no," House revealed. "I learned that lesson by observation. Make no mistake, I have killed patients. Every doctor has. But oddly enough, not because of that. Though in other ways my ego did play a part in them, I suppose."

"Care to elaborate?" Nyx suggested.

"No," House stated. "Though, contrary to what Foreman believes, I do remember all of them, I just don't want to discuss them."

"Not even Amber?" Nyx asked.

"Amber wasn't one of them," House denied. "I didn't kill her as a doctor."

"But you still think you killed her?" Nyx surmised.

"Maybe not exactly killed," House amended. "But my actions definitely contributed to her demise. Had I not called her she would not have been on the bus."

"Why do you blame yourself?" Nyx wondered. "Even Wilson says that he can't blame you, that he couldn't blame you even when he wanted to! You didn't call Amber, you called Wilson. When Amber came, you told her to go back home. You did not ask her to come after you. She didn't need to bring your cane to the bus. She knew where you lived; she could have driven in her car to your bus stop and waited for you there with the cane. You did everything you could to save her. It wasn't your fault that you had amnesia. It wasn't your fault that that truck hit the bus. Normally everything would have been just fine!"

"Yeah, normally," House agreed. "But this wasn't normally. People make mistakes. As you said, that is human nature. But how big the mistake is, you won't know until you see the consequences. And by the consequences this was a whopper."

"You think you don't deserve Wilson's friendship anymore," Nyx ventured.

"I don't think I ever did," House smiled. "I befriended him because he was, well, not boring. But I didn't think I would end up with a permanent friend when I did. I don't know why he really hasn't run for his life already."

"He did after Amber," Nyx reminded him.

"Not very far," House pointed out. "And he came back. Just when I was about ready to let him go and stop trying, he came back."

"Yes, he did," Nyx nodded. "Ever wonder why?"

"Because he eats neediness," House shrugged.

"Except that you're not really needy," Nyx said. "You tend to pretend."

"Do I?" House asked.

"Oh, I'm not saying you don't want him as your friend, or that you wouldn't be lonely without him," Nyx clarified. "Not at all. But if you had to do without him, you could."

"Yeah, I'm doing so great now, aren't I," House scorned.

"But you have him now," Nyx pointed out. "Maybe not right here, but you know he is there for you. He does contribute to the quality of your life, but he doesn't actually sustain you. If you fall, you fall with or without him. Your reasons are all yours and don't depend on Wilson and his actions."

"At all?" House doubted.

"Well, mostly not at all," Nyx allowed. "As I said, he does contribute to the quality of your life."

"So doesn't that mean that I am needy?" House asked. "I need him; probably more than he needs me."

"How many friends do you have?" Nyx asked.

"Wilson," House stated.

"Actually you have more than him, but I'll let that go for now," Nyx sighed. "Anyway, how many friends does Wilson have?"

"Plenty!" House insisted.

"Name three," Nyx challenged him. "Other than yourself, of course."

"Well, Cuddy and Cameron and…" House tried to wrack his brain. "And… I don't know all his friends!"

"Are you quite sure?" Nyx enquired.

"Well, at least he is friendly with a lot of people," House exclaimed. "He has a social life and places to go and so on."

"Does he really," Nyx asked quietly. "Don't forget, he seeks your company as often as you seek his. Even when he was married he came to you!"

"His marriages were mistakes based on his need to be needed," House pointed out. "Once there was no need, he didn't know what he was supposed to do. When he was with Amber, he didn't seek me."

"Well, since Amber – according to you – was you in a skirt, he hardly needed to," Nyx suggested.

"Yeah, right," House huffed. "Besides, we don't know how they would have survived a longer relationship. Amber has issues, too. Though she didn't want Wilson to fix them, which definitely was different."

"You don't want him to fix you either," Nyx observed. "But he still tries."

"I know," House agreed. "But nobody's perfect. I'm willing to put up with it in exchange."

"You don't think you need fixing?" Nyx asked.

"Of course I don't, I'm here only for fun!" House snorted. "But whatever I need to do, Wilson isn't the one to fix me. Even shrinks admit that when it comes to fixing your life, you are the only one who can do it. Nobody else can do it for you."

"But surely they can help?" Nyx insisted.

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But only if you're ready for it."

"Yes, I suppose if you're not co-operating it is like pouring water on a duck," Nyx accepted. "It's not going to stick."

"So true," House sighed. "Is it morning yet?"

"Getting bored with me?" Nyx smiled.

"Actually not," House had to admit. "But I am getting annoyed."

"Live with it," Nyx laughed. "Morning will come soon enough."


	7. Me, Myself and I

Me, Myself and I

Morning did come eventually and House woke to the way too cheerful sound of an orderly who came to wake him up and to give him his meds. The day followed its usual pattern and House plodded along half-awake. He had a meeting with the shrink – who was still trying to get him to talk, but House was still too tired. Not that he really wanted to talk with the shrink – he was fairly sure of that – but it might have been fun to try and see how easily riled the shrink was. Given his job, House suspected that it would take some doing and that would have at least helped to kill some time. The shrink had expected House to be a bit more alert but he was willing to give the new dosage another day or two. House didn't care. He knew he ought to, but at least the hallucinations were over. He just wasn't so sure how he felt about his dreams. And sure enough Nyx was waiting for him again as he fell asleep that night.

"If they change my meds, will you stop appearing in my dreams?" House wanted to know.

"Maybe," Nyx answered. "But then again, maybe not."

"How reassuring," House rolled his eyes. "NOT. So any idea how long I'm going to be plagued with you?"

"I imagine only as long as you need me to," Nyx shrugged.

"And who might decide the need?" House queried.

"Well, if I am a figment of your subconscious, then surely you," Nyx pointed out.

"Yeah, Amber was so easy to get rid of," House observed.

"I'm in your dreams, Amber was a hallucination," Nyx stated. "Besides, I'm not so sure she didn't serve a purpose."

"Yeah, she told me I'm crazy," House snorted.

"She told you that you have issues you need to deal with," Nyx rephrased.

"I was dealing with them," House insisted.

"You were suppressing them," Nyx pointed out. "That is not dealing. It's sweeping them under the carpet thinking that if you refuse to see them they will go away. They didn't."

"I still see no reason to dwell on the past," House shrugged. "Yeah, I know I killed Amber, but I can't bring her back. Not for real. So other than learn from my mistake, what else can I do but go on?"

"Nothing else," Nyx admitted. "But the problem is not that you go on, the problem is **how** you go on. You can't live hating yourself."

"Who says I hate myself?" House asked.

"I do," Nyx stated. "Or you do, if I am the voice of your subconscious."

"People around me keep telling me that I admire myself," House reminded her. "How does that work with my hating myself?"

"You admire your skills and abilities and your intelligence," Nyx responded. "However, you don't admire your character, your self. You do love people, even if only very few and very select and even if you choose to mask that love with all sorts of layers of need and whatever. You do love. And oddly enough you really love unconditionally. But you absolutely refuse to believe that anyone could love you – or at least love you unconditionally. You believe that you can be loved only until. What that 'until' in each case is, is different and unknown until it's there, but it is there somewhere. Or so you believe."

"If I really believe that," House shrugged. "Can you say I'm wrong?"

"Wilson still loves you," Nyx reminded him. "You nearly cost him his medical license and you killed his girlfriend – at least according to you you killed her – and he still loves you. You told the world that you had slept with Cuddy, you called her kid some pretty

bad names, you have endangered her career over and over again with your stunts, but she was still there for you when you finally managed to tell her that you need help."

"She doesn't love me," House denied. "I'm still an asset to her hospital. Once it becomes clear that I'm done, she won't care."

"She was willing to let you be just a 'good' doctor," Nyx suggested. "And even if she doesn't love you the way you'd like her to love you – though personally I think the jury is still out on that one – she still does love you. Maybe only as a friend, but that is nothing to sneer at. It's not like you're knee deep in friends."

"Thank you so much for reminding me of my solitary existence," House tried to veer the conversation to a different direction.

"You're welcome," Nyx accepted blithely.

"I really can't murder you can I?" House asked wistfully. "Or just strangle a little bit?"

"Nope," Nyx smiled commiseratively. "But if you deal with your issues I will probably go away."

"I'm not sure 'probably' is good enough," House muttered.

"But like with you choosing to commit yourself, what other choice do you have?" Nyx reminded him.

"So are you telling me to confide in you or the shrink?" House wanted to know. "That is if I ever stay awake long enough to have anything meaningful to say to the shrink."

"I think he will soon find the right combination of drugs to give you," Nyx stated confidently. "Contrary to what you say, he does know what he is doing. And yes, I am telling you to confide in him. There isn't much point in confiding anything to me, since I already know it."

"Shrinks think they already know it too," House announced. "Just think of that stupid group therapist."

"I'd rather not," Nyx gave House an admonishing stare. "You would stay awake just long enough to be mean to someone. She didn't tell you to become a bully!"

"Didn't she?" House asked. "She suggested that I should find out what each one in the group feared. How did she think I was going to do it? By asking them nicely? This is a looney bin! We don't come here because we are nice and well versed in consideration for our fellow man."

"Actually some do come here just because of that," Nyx pointed out. "There is such a thing as being so nice and considerate that you forget to 'consider' yourself too. Not that that is exactly your problem. You don't forget, you just choose not to."

"What are you talking about?" House was puzzled. "Are you saying that I am considerate to others? Because you really can't be saying that. Or are you telling me that I'm not selfish or what?"

"You are self-centered, self-absorbed, self-reliant and almost every other 'self-whatever' there is," Nyx informed him. "But not because you are selfish. That is the one thing you're not. You made your 'self' everything because you needed to do so to survive. But now, to survive, you have to let go. You have to open up and make room for others. And you have to start with your shrink. You don't need to be friends with him, you don't need to exactly let him into your life but you do need to give him room to work. You need to trust yourself. You keep yourself private because you fear that with exposure you will shatter. Trust yourself to be strong enough to survive sharing your darkness with other people. First with trained professionals and later with friends."

"And if I'm not strong enough?" House sounded somewhat scornful. "What then? You'll be there to pick up the pieces? Great!"

"Gregory," Nyx sounded grave. "You already shattered because you didn't share. Because you held on to yourself too tightly. And still you were able to figure out what you have to do. You have to do this too. You won't shatter any worse anymore. You are still here. Maybe a little lost but you, Greg House MD are still here. And you will be even if you do what you have to do. You have never been afraid of the night, don't start now. Don't start now."


	8. Session

Session

House woke fairly easily that morning. Not that he was really less groggy but his leg was more painful than it had been for quite some time. The orderly who gave him his meds told him that the shrink had changed the prescription for something new, and after a couple of hours House noticed that he was much less groggy and though the leg was still in pain it was quite manageable. By the afternoon he was feeling much better – almost like he had before the Vicodin had started to cause hallucinations.

"You're not slipping me Vicodin, are you?" House asked his shrink.

"No, that would be rather stupid," the shrink responded. "But I'm glad the new regime seems to be working. How is your leg?"

"Fine enough," House responded.

"Good, good," the shrink nodded his head. "So anything you might want to talk about? Anything on your mind?"

"Nope," House replied succinctly.

"Well something must have been weighing on your mind to bring you here in the first place," if anything he was persistent. "But we can get to that gradually. Why don't you just start by telling me something about yourself and we'll go on from there. What kind of a childhood did you have?"

"I told her!" House barked a laugh.

"Told who?" the shrink asked. "Your group therapist?"

"Nyx," House wasn't in the mood to elaborate without asking.

"So if not her, who then?" the shrink wondered.

"Not nix, Nyx," House clarified.

"Nyx?" the shrink looked a bit worried. "Who is Nyx?"

"Night," House stated as if it should have been obvious. "You know, the mother of Sleep and Dreams."

"I'm not sure I quit understand you," the shrink said.

"I have vivid dreams," House shrugged.

"And you told this Nyx something in your dream?" the shrink proceeded cautiously.

"I told her that you would want to blame my parents," House snorted.

"So you have conversations with this Nyx in your dreams," he seemed curious.

"As I said, vivid dreams," House repeated. "And she can be quite annoying."

"Why do you think you dream of her?" the shrink asked.

"Cause I want to annoy myself?" House suggested.

"You think she is you in some form then?"

"She says she is a figment of my subconscious," House answered. "Possibly."

"You think she might be something else," the shrink frowned.

"Well she could be a representation of a metaphysical entity," House shrugged.

"You don't sound like you believe anything of the sort," the shrink observed.

"You never know," House replied blithely. "I am crazy, after all."

"We don't use that word here," the shrink admonished House mildly. "People have mental problems for various reasons and we here try to help them regain their balance. Mental problems do not mean that you are crazy. It is an offensive word."

"People often find truth offensive," House intimated. "Like you probably don't want to be called black. You prefer African-American which sort of implies that you are an African living in America when in truth neither you nor your parents nor your grandparents have ever even seen Africa and more than likely over half of your genes come from Whiteys."

"I have been to Africa," the shrink replied patiently. "And though you are entitled to your opinion, it doesn't mean that your opinion is correct or the truth. I know you just try to be offensive so that I would get upset and end this session rather than focus on you and your problems, but you need to try harder. You are here because you have a mental problem and I will be treating you until I am sure that you are fit to return to your normal life."

"Since my normal life is kind of crazy, I think I'm fit to return already," House muttered.

"Unfortunately for you, I'll be the judge of that," the shrink reminded House. "So, where were we before we got sidetracked?"

"You were trying to shift the blame for my problems onto my parents," House sighed.

"Actually I wasn't," the shrink denied. "I just thought that we might start from the beginning. One has to start from somewhere."

"The beginning?" House decided to go for it. "Well, in the beginning my Mother had an extra-marital affair with a family friend and nine months later I entered the world."

"Was that held against you when you were a child?" the shrink asked.

"Hard to tell," House mused. "Probably. But Dad was such a hard-ass that he might have been the same even had I been his biological son. Of course, had I been his biological son I might have been more like him, so most of the issues between us would not have risen."

"Issues?"

"Lack of respect for authority," House itemised. "Argumentativeness, unpunctuality, and all the seven deadly sins."

"So you clashed a lot?" the shrink queried.

"Mom called it a War," House answered.

"How old were you when you found out about your parentage," the shrink wanted to know.

"I figured it out when I was twelve," House told him. "But irrefutable proof I only got last fall."

"You figured it out? You mean you were not told about it at any point?"

"Oh no," House smiled bitterly. "I told Dad that I knew, but nobody told me. I have a birthmark that is exactly alike one the said Family Friend has. But actual proof I got only when I was forced to attend Dad's funeral where I took a DNA sample from him."

"Interesting choice of words," the shrink pondered. "You were forced to attend the funeral. Who 'forced' you?"

"Well, I suppose ultimately it was Mom," House decided. "She was the one who called Wilson. Then Wilson enlisted Cuddy who drugged me and then they put me in Wilson's car and we were halfway there before I woke up."

"Excuse me?" apparently the shrink had some difficulties in believing what he was hearing.

"Well, Mom absolutely wanted me to give the eulogy," House explained. "Can't understand why, because she knows I hated Dad, but on the other hand I was able to use the eulogy to create an opportunity to get a skin sample from Dad. That's how I got the 'irrefutable' proof."

"And…" it took the shrink a moment to process what he was hearing. "And what did this proof do to you? How did it change things?"

"It didn't," House sighed. "Nothing was different. Nothing mattered more than before, nothing mattered less than before. Regardless of biology he was my Dad. He was a lousy one, but the only one I have ever known. I didn't feel any different towards him. It didn't change anything."

"What did your mother say about all this?" the shrink asked.

"I haven't talked about it with her," House answered. "She is my mother. This was between me and my Dad."

"But she was the one who had the affair, surely you wanted to know more," the shrink insisted.

"She's not responsible to me for her actions," House shrugged. "Had I been in her shoes I'd probably have had several affairs. They were happy enough so I assume whatever the affair did to their marriage they were able to deal with it. With me, she did her best."

"And that is enough?"

"You can't expect people to do more than what they can," House observed.

"But you do blame your father?" the shrink pointed out. "Maybe he, too, was doing just his best."

"Maybe," House replied neutrally. "But I seriously doubt it."

"There must be more to his behaviour then than just failing to be an ideal father," the shrink surmised.

"Could be," House nodded. "Too bad our time has run out so we can't go into it."

"There is always the next time," the shrink reminded him.

"Sure, if you want to pour over ancient and irrelevant history," House shrugged again.

"I think I may," the shrink stated. "And you can't just shrug a childhood like that off and pretend it never happened."

"I'm not pretending it never happened," House said. "I just don't see it nearly as important as you seem to do."

"Well, we can discuss our differing perspectives next time."

"Maybe," House agreed. "If I'm in the mood." With that he walked out of the office leaving the shrink to shake his head and wonder if he had been overly optimistic in his original estimate of the time needed to help one Greg House, MD.


	9. Nightly visit

**Nightly visit**

"Where have you been," House asked as he fell asleep and found himself in Nyx's garden again.

"Interesting," Nyx mused. "I would have thought that you would ask why did I come back, not where I was last night. This makes me almost believe that you missed me!"

"As if," House muttered. "I was just wondering if I could send you back there."

"Too late," Nyx smiled. "I already know you like me."

"Wait a minute," House declared. "Slow down and hold on to your knickers."

"I'm an ancient deity," Nyx replied dryly. "I don't have knickers."

"Wanna show?" House asked with intrest.

"No," Nyx gave him an old-fashioned look. "That might make you like me too much."

"I don't like you," House insisted. "I just think you are a more intelligent conversationalist than anyone else in this blasted place."

"Problems with the shrink?" Nyx inquired.

"Yeah," House nodded. "He doesn't want to let me go."

"Didn't you come here of your own free will?" Nyx wondered. "Surely you can leave any time you want."

"Yes," House admitted. "But AMA. And that would mean that I can't go back to work. The shrink thinks I need intensive therapy, I think I could do what 'therapy' I need as an out-patient."

"But even if you were an out-patient," Nyx pondered. "He will not recommend un-suspending your medical license."

"True," House agreed. "But I can still work. Foreman can be the formal acting head of diagnostics and I can consult. I can even teach."

"Now that 'teach' came out like you were about to choke on it," Nyx observed.

"Well, I don't like to teach," House sighed. "But even that is better than this."

"But the shrink is not interested in letting you do that?" Nyx practically stated.

"Nope," House affirmed. "As I said, he thinks I have 'issues' that need intensive, everyday therapy and therefore he cannot recommend out-patient care."

"Let me guess," Nyx groaned. "He thinks your defiant behaviour and refusal to bow to authority is result of your unresolved feelings towards your Dad and your bio-Dad? He sees your anger at people who push themselves into your life uninvited as your misplaced anger at your parents and especially your Mother. He thinks that you are anti-social and rude because you fear getting hurt or abandoned the way you – according to him – were hurt and abandoned by your parents."

"And yada, yada, yada," House rolled his eyes. "Exactly. He doesn't want to let me go until I have learned to socialise with people more."

"This may be just my opinion," Nyx reflected. "But I think your shrink needs a shrink."

"Tell me about it," House huffed.

"So what are you going to do?" Nyx asked.

"What can I do?" House shrugged. "I need to make it clear to him that I am not someone who is institutionaliseable."

"Is that a word?" Nyx wanted to know.

"It is now," House informed her.

"Fine," Nyx accepted. "So, again, what are you going to do?"

"Create havoc until he admits that keeping me here is worse both for me and the other patients," House explained. "Once he accepts that he will have to make other plans."

"He might write you off permanently," Nyx pointed out.

"He might," House acknowledged the risk. "But contrary to what I tell him, he actually is rather good at his job, so he will be able to figure out that my actions are deliberate. He may give it a shrinkly explanation, and probably will, but he will still see that institutional care is not for me."

"He may be willing to let you out, and even let you go back to work as a teacher and a consultant," Nyx agreed. "But he will make it very difficult for you to get your licence back."

"Yeah," House grunted. "He most definitely will."

"He will expect you to behave in a socially acceptable way," Nyx reminded him. "You will have to be civil to people you don't want to be civil to; you will have to behave like you respected authority and not defy Cuddy. You will have to start behaving like you actually had heard of an ethical guide line for doctors; in other words you will have to show that you can practise medicine responsibly and also be what is commonly known as a decent human being."

"I know," House was practically bending under the weight of the burden. "But I will be better able to fake it outside than I would be doing it inside."

"You think you can fake it good enough?" Nyx wondered. "He is a trained professional and more than likely rather good at spotting lies."

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But people see what they want to see, even shrinks. I just have to sell it to him the way he wants to buy it. But it will probably take some time."

"It may take too much time," Nyx pointed out. "You are not a patient person and trying to be nice for any length of time will more than likely prove too hard for you."

"Which is why I need to get out of here," House cried. "Wilson will help me. He knows me. He knows I'm not little Mr. Sunshine and will help me convince the shrink as soon as I have been able to convince him that I'm ok."

"What about Cuddy?" Nyx asked gently.

"I don't know," House sighed. "I hurt her. The announcement doesn't matter that much since I was off to the funny farm practically immediately so everyone can write it off as rantings of a maniac – which, to be fair, it was, so Cuddy's professional image should intact, but I don't think we are ok. Not by a long shot."

"She helped you," Nyx reminded him. "She was there for you once you told her that you needed help. And I mean really told her, not just imagined."

"I know," House nodded. "But that is what she does. That is why she is a good boss. She just… She just cares about the people who work for her and she cares about the hospital. And she takes action when necessary. That is who she is. Nothing personal."

"I don't believe that," Nyx was shaking her head at House. "But I suppose she is the one who needs to convince you that her help to you was not impersonal or just professional. Right now you have to get your marbles back."

"I have my marbles," House insisted. "I just need to convince my shrink of it. And I can do that much better when I'm out of here."

"And once you're out, then what?" Nyx demanded. "You can't just say that you're cured. You need a plan."

"I have a plan," House claimed. "I will keep my nose clean, make sure there are no lawsuits or even complaints filed against me and I will do what Cuddy tells me and just live a quiet, boring life."

"But he is worried about your socialising!" Nyx asserted. "How are you going to convince him that you have suddenly acquired a plethora of friends?"

"He wouldn't believe a 'plethora'," House pointed out. "He won't expect me to change all of a sudden he will just want to see me make an effort. Cameron will be happy to be friends with me, so I can start with her. Chase won't care one way or the other, and will in fact probably be glad to help me pull some wool over the shrink's eyes – I have a feeling he is not that fond of shrinks himself. Taub will co-operate, too, if he sees some long-term advantage in it and I can probably fool Foreman into helping as well. He has always liked to appear magnanimous. I think that should be enough for the shrink."

Nyx was nearly laughing out loud by the time House had finished his list.

"What?" House demanded. "What is so funny? Is there a flaw in my plan? You do know it's just a preliminary one and I will adjust it as I go along."

"Oh, I know," Nyx smiled. "I was just thinking that it is a good plan. A plan that might end up surprising you in ways you do not expect right now."

"Whatever," House frowned. "As long as I get out of here. These people are nuts!"


	10. Pursuit of happiness

Pursuit of happiness

"So your cunning plan worked?" Nyx asked House when he seated himself in the gazebo lounging chair again.

"Sure did," House smiled. "I'm out of here tomorrow. Much sooner than I expected."

"I don't think anyone can put up with your version of havoc for longer than a week," Nyx observed. "You have rather honed it down to an art form."

"Thank you," House accepted the compliment. "But I did expect him to be a bit tougher cookie."

"He has other patients to think about, too," Nyx pointed out.

"I know," House nodded. "It's a weakness. But I did expect to spend a lot more time in solitary."

"I think he figured out that solitary – as you call it – was just fine with you," Nyx reminded House. "For a person who supposedly hates himself you are surprisingly satisfied with just your own company."

"Maybe I don't hate myself quite as much as people think I do," House shrugged.

"That is a possibility," Nyx agreed. "But what is your problem then? And don't give me your usual response, please."

"Why not?" House wanted to know. "I am a cripple! Nothing will change that. My hallucinations were obviously due to too much drugs so now that I'm on a different regime, I should be just fine."

"You know that is not true," Nyx sighed. "You know yourself better than that. Yes, absolutely your hallucinations occurred because of drugs and stress and all sorts of injuries to your head you had refused to have properly treated. So there is really no reason why you should have more hallucinations or delusions now. But you know there was a reason why you saw what you saw and believed what you believed. You need to make changes in your life and you can't do it alone. You need someone to point you in the right direction."

"Wilson will definitely try to do that," House said. "He has always tried to fix me. He is almost as bad as Cameron, even if sneakier."

"Wilson tries to make your life better," Nyx told him. "He needs to try and that is why you let him, even when you know he will just end up hurting you. But though he is wrong in his ways and even possibly wrong about what would make your life better, he is right in thinking that you really cannot go on as you have. Your level of misery is ceasing to be tolerable for you."

"Maybe I just need to increase my tolerance," House muttered.

"Or maybe you need to take a risk and get less miserable," Nyx suggested. "Who knows, you might survive it and even actually like it!"

"Or having tried I might get even more miserable than I am," House insisted. "You know the saying: Hell is to have seen Heaven and know you're not there."

"You already have seen Heaven," Nyx responded quietly. "And yet you survive."

"But it wasn't real," House reminded Nyx.

"No, but does it make a difference?" Nyx asked. "It felt real. You believed it was real. So it got taken away sooner because it wasn't real, but you still saw it."

"So what is your point?" House sighed.

"People have been saying for a long time that they believe that you don't think you deserve to be happy," Nyx started. "They are wrong. You know you do deserve to be happy."

"Hang on!" House stared at Nyx in astonishment. "Whose subconscious are you supposed to be, because **my** subconscious has always been about how miserable I want to be."

"Didn't Wilson once imply that you enjoy your misery?" Nyx smiled.

"Yeah, but that is not what you're talking about, so where do those thoughts come from," House demanded.

"Well if I'm not your subconscious mind, maybe I'm your unconscious mind!" Nyx pondered.

"That might be," House sounded sceptical. "Except that I am conscious of you and I do remember these dreams so that is not a very likely explanation."

"Well, I could always be an ancient deity," Nyx pointed out. "Choose whichever you want, but stop deflecting. We were talking about your happiness."

"Oh, yes," House rolled his eyes. "The happiness I think I deserve."

"Yes," Nyx stated simply. "You do believe you deserve to be happy as much as the next person. You also believe that, like the next person, you are equally capable of screwing up your happiness and therefore you see it all as a trade off where you eventually end up with a balance between happy and miserable."

"Just because I like to keep my misery level tolerable," House scoffed. "Does not mean I think I deserve better. It's just human nature to try and get away with as much as one can."

"Not your nature," Nyx asserted. "Yes, you do test people to see what you can get away with but you don't even try to live according to the standards of other people. Your only judge is yourself and you don't really let yourself get away with anything. You just prefer to do it all in private. This time you took on more than you could handle and therefore you ended up here."

"Maybe," House decided to entertain the thought. "But how does that tally with me thinking that I deserve to be happy?"

"You are a realist," Nyx shrugged. "You know that nobody is happy all the time. You think you deserve your moments like everyone, but when you've done wrong you do believe you deserve the consequences. Even when the consequences are totally unforeseen."

"There is right and wrong," House observed. "Even if you don't have enough information to know beforehand which is which, even if you choose your actions as best you can with the information you have, right and wrong still exist and your answer is not even ok when you got it wrong."

"And you didn't even choose your actions as best you could," Nyx accepted.

"No," House put it succinctly.

"You chose the pub because it was right there, near the bus route that granted you an easy route home," Nyx itemised. "You got yourself drunk so that you could call Wilson, as you always did. You wanted to test him; wanted to see if he would leave Amber to come and pick you up the way he always left his wives. You were going to test his commitment to Amber; you wanted to see if he had learned to say no. What you never considered was that Amber did not resent you the same way his wives did. That Amber actually liked you and accepted you in Wilson's life. That she thrived in the battles you two had and you might in fact have been an extra bonus in her relationship with Wilson even if it was Wilson she truly loved. Also it never occurred to you that this test you had designed for Wilson could also test Amber's commitment to him. You don't blame yourself because you got her out of bed and made her follow you into the bus and were not able to remember her before it was too late to do anything about the flu meds. You blame yourself because it never occurred to you that you COULD get her out of her bed to come and get you. After all your careful plans to test Wilson you had totally overlooked Amber as a player in the game."

"Yeah," House nodded. "I knew her. I thought I knew her, but I still failed to… My plan seemed so fool proof. I call Wilson, he comes and takes me home or he tells me no – finally – and I take the bus. I was pretty sure he was not yet ready to say no, so I rather expected him to come. What I didn't think about was that Amber would have known he was not ready to say no and since she didn't want him to inconvenience himself she was willing to give me a ride in his stead. Stupid mistake. Such an obvious thing to miss now that I think about it in retrospect. Such a CB thing to do. I wouldn't be surprised if she had actually figured out my plan and had decided to foil it with niceness. Such a seemingly small mistake."

"As you have said," Nyx sighed. "Our mistakes are only as big as their consequences."

"And this one was a whopper," House concluded. "So how, with mistakes like that, could I think I deserve to be happy?"

"Because it was an honest mistake," Nyx reminded him. "There was no malice no bad intentions not even any deliberate flaunting of rules or laws. Just a prank that went wrong and it didn't even go wrong in a way that would normally have had any adverse results. Yes, you put Amber in the bus, but you had absolutely nothing to do with the accident. People have the right to live down honest mistakes and to go on with their lives and find what happiness they can."

"What happiness they can…" House repeated. "Now there might lie a problem."

"With you," Nyx agreed. "Most definitely. You do believe that you deserve to be happy but you don't necessarily believe you can be happy. And that is something you need to revaluate."

"What I can?" House clarified.

"Yes," Nyx confirmed. "Because sometimes you **can** together something you **can't** alone. Just think about it."


	11. Pursuit of possibilities

Pursuit of possibilities

"Nice idea you have there," House said. "All I have to do is to find someone who will help me be happy and all of a sudden I'm the cripple who could! Just one flaw in your thinking: I couldn't even when I wasn't a cripple. Just ask Stacy."

"Frankly, my dear," Nyx stated. "I don't want to ask her anything."

"Ooh, hostility!" House marvelled. "Why? It's not like I made it easy for her to stay. Quite the contrary; I actively drove her away."

"She left you before you became a cripple," Nyx shrugged.

"Pardon me, but I think I know how it went," House argued. "And I know when she left."

"Physically, yes," Nyx agreed. "But in reality she left you when she decided to override your wishes. She may claim that she was only doing what you always do, but she wasn't. She withheld vital information from you. You may lie and cheat and manipulate your patients but only until you know what is wrong with them. Once you know, you will give them the facts, the choices they have and then it is up to them. She didn't give you all the choices."

"She knew I wouldn't choose what she wanted," House stated though not with absolute certainty.

"Did she?" Nyx asked. "She was in many ways right for you. She was intelligent, witty, independent, and as good at what she did as you are at what you do. Or at least near enough. But she had an unexpected romantic streak in her. The streak that figured that she could have an affair – a romantic secret – and not tell her husband. The streak that decided that she would rather live without you in a world that still had you than live in a world that did not have you in it."

"Oh please!" House grimaced. "Are you trying to make me sick!"

"No," Nyx smiled. "But even if she wouldn't want to put it in those words, those were still the terms of her decisions. The Grand Gesture type of romanticism that gets hung up on the 'gesture' and blinds itself to other options. She wanted you to allow the amputation to prove that you loved her. She never talked to you about the lighter option. She decided on her own that she could not talk you into it. We can't know now how successful she would have been but she is a very persuasive lady. However, she still chose not to even try."

"Had she talked about it to me I would have figured out what she was planning," House suggested.

"You weren't exactly at your sharpest then," Nyx pointed out. "And you already trusted her not to have your leg amputated when you were put in the coma. Why would you have assumed she would do anything else either if you clearly stated that you didn't want it done?"

"True," House nodded. "But had she told me about the third option I might have said no and once I had said no she couldn't pretend that I would be ok with her decision once it was done."

"She already knew you were not going to be ok with it," Nyx insisted. "That is why she said she was sorry before you went under."

"Are you trying to tell me that while Stacy was all wrong for me I should still try and find someone else," House asked. "That I shouldn't be cautious? That I shouldn't fear getting it wrong this time too?"

"It is always wise to be cautious," Nyx replied. "But even if it ended badly you had five good years with her and that is more than many have. Don't let it stop you from trying again. She wasn't unique in her ability to deal with you."

"Maybe not," House allowed. "But I'm not sure I want a relationship where the other one has to 'deal' with me. It doesn't sound very equal. On the other hand, I know I'm not willing to change for anyone. Not really. I will always be a jerk; I will always put medical puzzles before any personal relationship I have. I am even more obsessive than most doctors because when the patients come to me, they come to me because only I can help them. That doesn't bode well for a relationship. I am by nature unreliable and my job makes me even more so."

"But what if there is someone who truly doesn't want you to change?" Nyx asked. "What if there is someone who just wants your trust and affection and as much time as you can give? Someone who doesn't need you to fill in any empty places but has a full life already but would not mind some spice in that life?"

"Vindaloo curry," House muttered. "That's what Stacy called it."

"Vindaloo curry is very good," Nyx agreed.

"But not as a steady diet," House pointed out. "It can cause heartburn."

"Only if you're not used to it," Nyx stated. "Stacy was happy with it for five years and if she hadn't made a stupid decision you might be together even now."

"Her stupid decision may have saved my life," House reminded Nyx. "At least that is what she believed when she made it."

"Maybe," Nyx shrugged. "But as that overly-caring student said it wasn't her decision. You knew you might die but you were ok with it."

"She wasn't," House sighed. "And I wasn't willing to listen to her. I wasn't willing to change."

"She had no right to expect you to change," Nyx declared. "She had taken you on as you were. Ok, some compromise is necessary when two people live together, but any change needs to be voluntary and it can only happen within the parameters of your personality, your self. You can't change in ways that are alien to you. And you have to learn that there truly are people who don't want you to change who you are. They may want you to change some of your habits, especially the self-destructive ones, but they don't want you to change."

"Maybe I am my habits," House shrugged.

"Don't try that," Nyx warned. "You know better and I know better. You behave the way you do because you can; half the time you don't even want to you behave the way you do, you just have no reason to change. But you know you can't go on as you have so you need to find a reason. And the reason better be your own reason not something somebody else has decided for you."

"But people are so willing to give me reasons!" House exclaimed. "You mean I can't use any of them?"

"Very funny," Nyx gave him a 'look'. "The people who care about you may indeed want you to change and will try to point out possible reasons for you to change. They may be misguided but they don't want you to change for them; they want you to change for you."

"People?" House scorned. "More than one?"

"Yes, more than one," Nyx asserted. "When you get out of here you will find out that more people than you were willing to see do care about you and do want what is best for you. And that is one of the things you need to learn to accept. Sometimes when people seem to care, they actually do – without any other agenda."

"You have a very optimistic view of 'people' for someone your age," House muttered.

"Someone my age has been around long enough to see the worst and the best of humanity," Nyx sighed. "I'm not an optimist nor am I a pessimist. I just see."

"And you 'see' people caring about me?" House didn't sound very convinced.

"There are none so blind as those who don't want to see," Nyx smiled. "Open your eyes, Gregory, and watch. You will be surprised."


	12. What now?

What now?

"What are you doing here!" House exclaimed as he found Nyx in the gazebo again.

"Me?" Nyx asked quizzically. "I have every right to spend time in my daughter's garden."

"Fair enough," House conceded. "Let me rephrase my question. What am I doing here? Why are we meeting again? It's been two weeks!"

"Ah, I see," Nyx nodded. "You didn't think I would follow you from the asylum. You believed you had left me behind."

"Well you were supposed to be a product of my sick mind," House pointed out.

"And is your mind now all better?" Nyx teased.

"Infinitely," House stated with a glare.

"Actually," Nyx sighed. "I was never a product of your sick mind."

"Are we back to the supernatural entity now?" House scorned.

"Whatever," Nyx shrugged. "But the point I was trying to make was that I came into your dreams because your mind was troubled, not because it was sick. So I was never a product of your sick mind in any sense of the word. Unlike Carmen Electra."

"Hey!" House protested. "She served her purpose!"

"Up to a point, yes," Nyx acknowledged. "It did throw your students off the scent, but people who know you and care about you weren't fooled."

"People who know and care," House repeated scornfully. "And who might those be?"

"Come now," Nyx admonished him. "Surely you know by now."

"You mean those opportunistic busybodies who just can't leave me alone?" House asked. He ought to have sounded bitter but instead Nyx heard puzzlement in his voice.

"Opportunistic how?" Nyx wondered.

"Maybe not opportunistic as such," House admitted. "More gleeful and ready to pounce if I show any weakness. Foreman is just waiting for the word that I will never be allowed to practise again and he can get my chair permanently."

"Are you sure you're not misinterpreting them?" Nyx asked. "What if they are trying to look after you and be ready in case you need help?"

"If I need help," House insisted. "I will ask for it. Until then they can just bloody well mind their own business!"

"Oh yes," Nyx condescended. "You are so good at asking for help!"

"I got myself committed," House reminded her indignantly. "I'm capable of asking for help when I need it."

"No," Nyx replied gently. "You are not capable of asking for help when you need it. You ask for help only when you know you have no other choice. And even then you start rejecting the help the moment you think you may be able to cope on your own – even if deep down you know you're not."

"Is that why you're here?" House scoffed. "To bring that 'deep down' to surface and force me to accept that I need more help than I do?"

"I think we have had these conversations before," Nyx sighed. "If I am a product of your subconscious – or unconscious – mind and yada, yada, yada…"

"You want me to admit that you're a goddess?" House laughed.

"I want you to admit that no matter what I am, I am in your dreams," Nyx stated. "And therefore also in your mind. I see what you see and I know what you know. I may not say the things you want to say or want me to say, but deep down you know that what I say is what your own honesty demands me to say."

"You lost me," House stated. "That made absolutely no sense at all."

"Dreams often don't," Nyx smiled. "Except when they do."

"You know, you really should have stayed in the asylum," House announced. "You are just like the idiots there."

"The patients or the doctors?" Nyx asked.

"Both," House shrugged. "At least after a while there."

"And since you were both a patient and a doctor?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I was the biggest idiot there," House grunted. "I can't imagine what made me think they could help me."

"Maybe it wasn't a question of them not being able to help," Nyx mused. "Maybe it was a question of you being unwilling to accept their help. Just like you are unwilling to accept the help and caring of the people around you now."

"Look, I know that Wilson cares," House sighed. "He can't help himself. Neither can Cameron, only with her it really isn't anything personal. She's just wired that way. Wilson tried not to care, but he can't go against his nature either. And maybe I have a place in his life. But the rest of them. Cuddy feels guilty, though god knows why! But she always does. Chase, well he is trying to get brownie points from Cameron so he I can understand. And he isn't hovering like the rest of them, so he is sort of ok. Except when he gets on my nerves. Foreman – he is definitely looking after number one and number one only. That is when he isn't looking after number Thirteen. But even there he is capable of screwing things up for himself. He wants to be 'me' so badly he can taste it, but he is afraid of it and he is not even half ready for it. But he will still try. Far be it from him to promote the whitey myth that the Black Man isn't as good as any White Man."

"You have something against the Black?" Nyx smiled.

"Not really," House shrugged. "It's just that they are same as everyone else: capable of taking themselves way too seriously. I suppose present company excepted. But then, you're really not black, it's more like black is you. I mean, Night is an entity or something, not a representative of some group or anything."

"True," Nyx nodded. "I am what I am and I have always been. You ought to be able to relate to that – up to a point."

"So if I am what I am," House queried. "Why do people try to change me?"

"Do they?" Nyx responded. "Or are they just trying to help you be a happier House. Still you, but not quite as dark as you have been lately."

"Happiness is overrated," House grumbled. "I have always preferred being right to being happy."

"And so you ended up in the asylum," Nyx pointed out.

"Only because I tried to be happy," House reminded her. "It's not a natural state for me and I can't stand people hovering over me and trying to 'encourage' me to be something that I'm not."

"It may be that happy is not a natural state for you," Nyx admitted. "But a few years ago you used to be at least a little more light-hearted. Don't you think that could be something to aim for? And your friends, or whatever you call the people who DO care about you, might help you get there again."

"I don't know," House shrugged. "They annoy me too much."

"Are you sure that is what you really feel?" Nyx suggested. "Because to me it seems more like you are a little afraid to trust anyone. You used to be able to trust yourself and once you found out that you can't always do even that, you have even harder time trusting others than you had before."

"Could be," House decided to at least entertain the thought. "But if I don't trust them, how will they be able to help? I mean it makes no difference. They either annoy me or I don't trust them, either way I don't want them too near."

"Well you could let them a little closer and see if they can be trusted that much," Nyx advised. "You know, just a little step at a time. Not risking too much, but just a little. And if they show that they can be trusted that much, then you can try the next step. If they can't be trusted, then no harm done, since you didn't risk much anyway."

"Yeah, I suppose I could experiment a little," House mused. "That might at least stop the hovering!"

"That's definitely something to aim for," Nyx agreed with a smile.


	13. Dream a dream

Dream a dream

"Do you miss Lydia," Nyx asked after a moment of silence.

"What do you know about Lydia!" House demanded.

"Hello," Nyx reminded him. "In your dreams still."

"But I haven't dreamed of her," House insisted, but as Nyx lifted a sceptical eyebrow he was forced to add: "Much."

"But she has been in your mind, and she was in your dreams before," Nyx pointed out. "So do you miss him?"

"Don't know," House shrugged trying to appear nonchalant.

"Want **me** to tell you?" Nyx suggested archly.

"Shut up," House told her succinctly.

"Apparently not," Nyx concluded. "But you do think of her. Fondly?"

"You're starting to sound like a musical number," House scorned. "But yeah, I think of her fondly – or something."

"You sound like you don't really want to think of her," Nyx observed.

"Losing her hurt," House admitted – almost like he wasn't really conscious of having said anything. Of course, he was dreaming, so that might have explained it.

"More than knowing her for such a short time was worth?" Nyx enquired.

"I needed her then," House mused. "She needed me. We were able to be there for each other and the connection made some things bearable that otherwise quite weren't. No, losing her did not hurt more than knowing her – there and then – was worth. Besides, pain is something I know how to handle."

"Really?" Nyx asked. "I was under the impression that pain was what got you to commit yourself. And you're back on Vicodin, too."

"Vicodin was never the problem," House reminded her. "And it wasn't pain that made me go there. It was lack of pain."

"You couldn't accept that there were hardly any consequences?" Nyx pondered. "Even when you were not at fault."

"I should have accepted the lift Amber offered," House insisted. "I put her on the bus. Of course I didn't mean for her to die. I didn't want her dead; I didn't even want her gone. She was surprisingly good for Wilson and we were dealing. But I put her on the bus."

"Millions of people travel on busses daily, even hourly. It is one of the safest modes of transport," Nyx offered. "You were unlucky. You were not culpable in her death. Even Wilson said so at a time when he very much wanted you to be."

"But it should still have been me, not her." House sighed.

"Survivor guilt?" Nyx suggested. "Is that what you feel over Kutner, too? You have survived and he didn't."

"He did rather choose an almost infallible method," House offered.

"That he did," Nyx accepted. "Do you feel that if you had chosen a similar method before, he would not have committed suicide? Do you think you, the job he had under you, the pressures involved in that job somehow made him do it?"

"No, not really," House sighed. "But I pride myself on my skills at observation. I claim to notice everything, and I didn't see his pain. I don't know if there was anything anyone could have done to help him, but I should have tried."

"And what would you have done?" Nyx asked. "Held his hand?"

"No," House scoffed. "Of course not. But had I noticed that he had problems I could have referred him to a shrink. We have some good ones on staff. This is a high pressure profession, Cuddy has an excellent counselling and care system in place."

"Don't you think he knew it," Nyx queried.

"Yes, of course he did," House shrugged. "But sometimes you need a push. And in the right direction, not over the edge."

"And you think you pushed him over the edge because you didn't see that he needed another kind of push," Nyx concluded. "And since there were no consequences to you, you didn't know how to deal with it since you do believe in consequences. Those were pretty much the only constant in your life when you were a kid. Even if some of them were unpredictable."

"My Dad is dead," House noted. "Let him rot in peace."

"Fine, fine, let's stay with the living," Nyx surrendered. "Have you kept in touch with Alvie?"

"No," House didn't elaborate.

"But you were friends?" Nyx sounded a little uncertain.

"Yeah," House nodded. "He was ok."

"That's it?" Nyx stared. "He was ok. Nothing else? I don't expect you to have a girly gushing fit over how you miss him and all that, but surely there is more. He practically adored you."

"He shouldn't have," House stated. "He should have concentrated on getting better."

"You know he is doing that now," Nyx reminded him.

"So I heard," House admitted. "Good for him. But you do notice I had to leave for him to do that. He may have seen me as a friend, but I was a hindrance."

"Or maybe you were what he needed to finally make up his mind that he, too, wanted to get better," Nyx suggested. "Maybe seeing someone as strong as you admit that he is broken, needs help and wants to get better, was just what he needed to make up his own mind. Maybe he now understands that admitting to being broken is not that bad. Most of us are broken some way or another. And most of us want to be mended."

"But the cracks will still show and some pieces will always be missing," House said.

"Yes," Nyx nodded. "But that is what makes people beautiful. Life."

"Death," House countered. "You talk about the vulnerability of people, and that is due to mortality. Death, the inevitability of it, is what makes people beautiful, or ugly or indifferent."

"No, I'm not talking about the vulnerability of people," Nyx denied. "I'm talking about their ability to endure, to survive, to learn. To live. The life you have lived, the thoughts you have had, the things you have survived all leave their marks on you. And sometimes you are at your most beautiful when you are broken and need to mend. Life may be fragile, but it makes things beautiful."

"Well, Alvie wasn't beautiful," House decided he had had enough of soppy stuff. "And he was annoying."

"But you liked him," Nyx smiled. "You ended up liking quite a few people in the asylum. Because they were all broken and you didn't need to hide your own vulnerability from them. You were free. Free to find out what you really want."

"To be happy?" House didn't sound very convinced.

"You said so," Nyx reminded him. "And you were not lying. Of course you know, as most people do, that happiness is not a constant state. It is a moment. But at least you know you can find that moment, that you a capable of having it. Sometimes you just have to take it and make the most of it."

"And then it's gone," House pointed out.

"And then you look for another one," Nyx countered.

"Regardless of the cost?" House questioned.

"No, not regardless of the cost to you," Nyx said. "But not letting the cost cripple you either. Sometimes, the happiness there and then is worth the cost later."


	14. Perhance a dream

Perhance a dream

"So you think you can undermine Foreman?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I think I don't have to," House stated. "Once I'm there, observing him and commenting, he will undermine himself. He still doesn't really trust himself deep down. He is still trying to prove himself."

"Is it such a bad thing," Nyx asked. "Trying to prove yourself?"

"No, not at all," House acknowledged. "The problem is that he is trying to prove himself to others not himself. He doesn't trust himself; he still needs others to tell him that what he is doing is good. There is a basic insecurity in him that he needs to get rid of."

"He wants to be you," Nyx observed. "Sans the lawsuits and that kind of things."

"You can't be me without the lawsuits," House laughed. "They come with the territory when your whole point is to think outside the box. Besides, he shouldn't even want to be me. He should take what he can from what he has learned from me and then be himself."

"Does he **know** himself?" Nyx wondered. "He tends to focus on what and who he wants to be and forgets who he** is**."

"He has ambitions," House shrugged. "And sometimes they cloud his judgement. He has skills, too, but he needs to learn humility. And I mean true humility, not the show version. He needs to know what he can do and what he can't and learn to live with it all. And also to live with the consequences. And that ain't easy."

"You live with the consequences just fine," Nyx stated.

"No, not 'just fine'," House denied. "And only with the professional ones. If you are a doctor you will end up killing someone sooner or later and you will do it again. That is a truth you need to live with, but that isn't an answer to all your life."

"So you think that Foreman will not stand the pressure of having you looking over his shoulder," Nyx clarified. "Because he isn't secure enough in his professional self."

"Pretty much," House nodded. "He is a great neurologist and partly because he can see outside neurology as well, but diagnostics still eludes him."

"So, when you get your old job back," Nyx mused. "How are you going to handle it?"

"You mean, how am I going to do my old job without becoming the old me?" House rephrased. "Have no idea. Hopefully I can wing it."

"You trust Nolan?" Nyx asked.

"He grows on you," House evaded.

"He does," Nyx agreed. "As soon as you stop fighting him."

"Maybe," House shrugged. "It's possible that he knows what he is doing. More or less."

"High praise," Nyx smiled mischievously. "You better watch it or it will start to look like you actually like him."

"Perish the thought," House muttered.

"Indeed," Nyx agreed – still smiling. "But what about the people you do like?"

"What do you mean?" House frowned.

"Wilson doesn't trust you," Nyx sighed. "Are you ok with that?"

"Why should he trust me?" House asked. "I have never given him any reason to expect anything better."

"But he has known you for a long time," Nyx stated. "Surely he can tell when you are being sincere."

"I have never been totally sincere with him," House pointed out. "He doesn't know what it looks like."

"Are you going to let him learn to trust you?" Nyx wondered.

"As I'm not sure if even I can trust me," House pondered. "I can't really say."

"And Cuddy?" Nyx wanted to know. "Can she trust you?"

"Up to a point," House stated. "As always."

"You're saying that Lydia didn't change anything?" Nyx asked.

"In what way should she have?" House sounded cautious.

"You tell me," Nyx invited. "Cuddy asked a good question when she wanted to know what she is, if not the reason. If she really isn't the reason."

"No, she isn't **the** reason," House stated. "or even **a** reason for my having wanted to leave PPTH. What I did… how I embarrassed her was wrong but I wasn't in control of myself. Facing the music, if there was any on going back, would have been just what I deserved. It may still be. But I was truly just following Nolan's advice."

"You tend not to follow advice," Nyx observed.

"I rarely get advice that I trust," House shrugged. "Or even advice from someone who is in possession of all the relevant information. I'm not totally sure that Nolan can help me, at least not for good, but I trust him enough to let him try. But Cuddy may be a known unknown. I don't know how I will react … how it will affect me to be in daily contact with her again."

"But you fell for Lydia," Nyx shrugged. "Surely Cuddy is… well maybe not yesterday's news, but still in your past more."

"She has been in my past before," House noted. "She has a way of not staying there."

"So she is still a reason for something?" Nyx wondered.

"She is many reasons," House accepted. "But she is also free."

"In what way?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Free, in the sense of being free of me," House shrugged.

"Does she want to be free of you?" Nyx asked.

"I don't know," House tried to sound nonchalant. "Maybe I'll find out. However, that has to be her choice. What Lydia showed me was that I can connect. Cuddy isn't my only choice. I want to connect with her, and I want it to be more than friendship, but I don't need it. I can survive, I can find someone else. Or someone else can find me. Cuddy is free. She is free of me if she wants to be or she is free to choose me, if that is what she wants. I don't need to push it. In either direction. I will survive if she chooses me and it goes wrong; and I will survive if she doesn't choose me at all."

"So what Lydia did was set Cuddy free?" Nyx clarified.

"Yeah," House nodded. "I think so. She is important still, though."

"But not essential?" Nyx suggested.

"Not to my survival," House accepted. "But she is still important."

"Can you live with it?" Nyx wanted to know. "I mean can you let her be free without going back to the old you?"

"I'd like to think so," House sighed. "But maybe I'm just dreaming."

"Yeah," Nyx accepted. "There is always that."

"I guess I'll just have to risk it," House concluded.


	15. Are you dreaming all night

Are you dreaming all night?

"What is he doing here," House demanded. "And who is that girl with him? It isn't Cameron."

"That's my daughter," Nyx responded.

"Death?" House frowned. "Why is she with Chase?"

"This is still her garden," Nyx pointed out. "But don't worry, she isn't staying. She is just escorting Chase here."

"That still doesn't answer my question," House reminded Nyx. "Why is Chase here? First you leave me in peace for several nights and then you not only appear again but bring people with you!"

"This is your dream," Nyx prompted. "You must have a reason for having Chase in it."

"I don't want to dream about him!" House scoffed. "I see enough of him during the day. Or I can if I want to."

"True, I suppose," Nyx acknowledged. "But for some reason he is here. Maybe there is something you'd like to say to him but don't feel comfortable doing for real?"

"Can't think of anything," House muttered – somewhat unconvincingly.

"Then maybe there is something you'd like him to say but don't think you can ask," Nyx didn't relent.

"What am I doing here?" Chase had reached them. "What is going on?"

"Nyx seems to think we need to talk," House shrugged.

"So she sends Death to get me?" Chase wondered. (In a dream he did not need further explanations about Nyx and Death, naturally – or so House figured).

"Mother didn't send me," Death – a seemingly young girl dressed all in white, with white hair and pale skin, only her eyes were same as her mother's – explained. "You stepped into my domain and I wanted to see you."

"You're complaining about one death?" House asked. "What about the millions that other people kill?"

"I'm not complaining," Death insisted. "Nobody dies if I don't say so. But sometimes the 'instrument' is a human being and I prefer to know what the effect has been on the said human."

"And what do you think of me?" Chase demanded grumpily.

"I'll think about it," Death smiled enigmatically as she turned away and walked out of the gazebo.

"She's as annoying as you are!" House observed to Nyx.

"What do you care?" Nyx shrugged. "She isn't annoying you."

"Yet," House stated. "As she is your daughter I'm not trusting her to stay away."

"Ok, can either of you tell me what is going on?" Chase wasn't happy.

"Nyx thinks we need to talk," House evaded.

"Otherwise you would not be here," Nyx concluded.

"Can't think of anything," Chase, too, denied.

"You know," Nyx mused. "The sooner you ask your question the sooner you will have the talk and then you can go your separate dreams again. And most likely not be in each other's dreams again."

"You seem to know his question," House prompted.

"Maybe," Nyx admitted. "But I'm not going to do your talking, so he has to ask. I'm just hosting this meeting. You are on your own with the talking."

House and Chase stared at each other both unwilling to start. Chase, naturally, gave in first: "How do you know?"

"Know what?" House wasn't going to do any guessing before he knew more about what was going on.

"How do you know that I only kill genocidal dictators?" Chase wanted to know.

"Because you really aren't a killer," House sighed.

"Everyone is," Chase dismissed House's reason. "Given the right circumstances everyone can kill. They also say that it gets easier with every victim. How do you know I don't expand my repertoire? How do you know that the next child molester won't get an accidental overdose in my hands? How do you know I don't start acting as the judge and jury and the executioner more often? There are plenty of hideous crimes out there. How do you know that I don't start choosing which ones deserve a death penalty?"

"Because you don't really believe in death penalty," House sighed. "You didn't kill Dibala to revenge the dead, you killed him to save the living."

"That works for quite a number of crimes," Chase pointed out. "If I find out that my patient is a serial killer, killing him would save his next victim."

"Maybe," House accepted. "But with a normal killer – serial or otherwise – you have ways of saving people without committing murder. You can report the person to the proper authorities and you can expect them to catch him in time. With dictators you don't have anyone you can report to that will act in timely manner. The world already knew everything you did – and the UN had invited him to talk! If all the reports that had come out of his country didn't get the world to react, then nothing a single doctor would say would change anything. No matter what he told you, you had not witnesses and he would have denied it."

"How do you know he told me something?" Chase wanted to know.

"Cause I know you," House shrugged. "You wanted to treat him, you wanted to see more about him and what made him tick. Then suddenly you killed him. He must have said something really powerful to make you change so much."

"He bullied Allison," Chase revealed.

"Did he hurt Cameron?" House frowned.

"Not exactly," Chase clarified. "He just bullied her and held her in place for a moment. But it made me angry. He had charmed me first; I had even started to doubt the reports. Heck, it's not the first time opposition propaganda has demonized a ruler. But he made me angry enough to demand answers and he told me, quite clearly, that he was the only one who wanted to 'exterminate the cockroaches'. That his generals, his next in command, all wanted to negotiate peace. He was the only one who wanted to kill them all. And kill them all he was going to."

"So you made a choice," House nodded. "If you could go back, would you make the same choice again?"

"Yes," Chase didn't even hesitate.

"Are you ok with your choice then?" House asked.

"I don't see how I could have chosen differently," Chase stated. "They are negotiating peace now. Things really are better with Dibala dead than with Dibala alive. But even so, no, I'm not ok with my choice."


	16. Are you alright?

Are you all right?

"No, you're not ok with your choice," House nodded. "That is how I know you won't be expanding your repertoire."

"But I got away with it," Chase pointed out. "In time, who knows, I may change. I may be ok with it. And I may end up thinking that since I got away with it once and adjusted to it, I can do it again."

"That is a possibility," House accepted. "I doubt it, though."

"Because you know me so well?" Chase was almost scornful.

"What was your first thought when you found out that Foreman knew?" House asked.

"That if they find out that Dibala was murdered, they will make a martyr of him and follow his wishes," Chase replied wondering what House was getting at. "That it would be the end of the peace talks."

"Not: oh crap, I'm going to prison unless I can convince Foreman to keep quiet?" House asked.

"I didn't ask Foreman to keep quiet," Chase stated. "I just asked him to warn me in time so that I can tell Allison myself."

"And that is why I don't think you will change," House affirmed. "I'm not saying that you're not relieved that you got away with it. Nobody wants to go to prison. But you were willing to take the consequences if it came to that. Your first worry was others, not yourself. That does make you an unlikely candidate for a serial killer."

"Maybe unlikely, but you can't be certain," Chase wasn't going to give up.

"True," House accepted. "As I already admitted, there is no way of knowing for sure. But as **you** said, you're not ok with having taken a life. Most of those who end up as serial killers find that they quite like taking a life. Of choosing who will die and how. You think you ought to suffer for your choice, even though you chose as you did to save more lives than you took."

"But I don't know the lives I saved," Chase stated. "I know the life I took."

"And you're going to totally impossible with your Catholic Guilt," House sighed.

"Catholics do not have a monopoly on guilt," Chase insisted. "I don't need to be catholic to feel guilty when I have done something truly wrong."

"True," House nodded. "But catholic schools do excel at teaching the feeling. You could almost say it's an art form with them. And you may have lost your faith, but you most certainly have not lost your feeling of guilt."

"You're just being flippant," Chase accused House.

"No, actually I'm not," House denied. "I'm frustrated."

"You said you preferred murder to misdiagnosis," Chase reminded him.

"I do," House affirmed. "But unless you start dealing with your guilt you are heading for misdiagnosis as well. You were distracted by the death of your father, by the feelings of guilt for not having been closer to him, for not having been a better son – though he was a lousy father. And you killed a patient. Chances are you will fail at your job again unless you deal with your guilt."

"Maybe I shouldn't be practicing anyway," Chase declared defiantly. "I have already violated my oath."

"Come on," House scoffed. "It's not like you signed it or anything."

"STOP THAT," Chase yelled at House. "Just stop. I don't need you trivialising what I did. I… I need … I don't know what I need."

"So you will just make yourself miserable because you think you deserve it," House observed. "And then you will make Cameron miserable and maybe you will both end up failing in your jobs and that will make everything ok?"

"NO!" Chase screamed. "No. Cameron didn't have anything to do with it. She … There is no reason why she ought to be miserable."

"Except that she is your wife," House pointed out. "She married you, apparently for love cause that is just the sort of thing she does. You can't hide your misery from her. You can't even hide your secret. Sure she may not know what you are hiding, but she will know that you are hiding something and refusing to share it with her. She won't like that. Marriage to her is sharing and trusting – especially as trust doesn't really come easily to her. And that in itself is strange cause she is among the most gullible people I have ever met. But anyway, your misery will make her miserable. And your hiding the cause of your misery from her will make her doubly wretched. And 'deserving' doesn't even come into it."

"I can't tell her," Chase sighed.

"You think she would rat you out?" House suggested.

"Of course not!" Chase stared at House astonished. "She'd never do anything like that. No, it's not that. But she convinced Foreman to change his mind. She will feel responsible though I manipulated the test."

"She should feel responsible," House pointed out. "Not totally, of course, as the final decision was Foreman's, but she did contribute to the misdiagnosis. The tests were not conclusive. They never are in cases like this. She had enough reasons to believe she was right but she was wrong and even though it was Foreman's call to change the treatment she should feel responsible. That will make her a better doctor in the long run. But that is not your real worry, is it?"

"No," Chase gave in. "I fear she will not forgive me for manipulating the situation and basically manipulating her."

"You weren't prepared to convince Foreman yourself?" House asked.

"I was," Chase replied. "But before I could, Allison took over."

"It was her choice," House insisted.

"Yes," Chase agreed. "But she was so sure of her case because I had given her the false blood. What else can she think that I made her an unknowing accessory to murder. She will not take that lightly."

"Didn't she think you were wrong to save Dibala when that boy tried to assassinate him?" House asked.

"Yes," Chase admitted. "But passively allowing someone to die is one thing; actually actively seeing that he dies is a whole other kettle of fish."

"Could be," House pondered. "But you know I don't really care about your personal lives as long as you do your jobs. lf this senseless guilt thing is going to hinder you at your work I will have no use for you."

"It's not senseless guilt!" Chase barked. "I killed a human being! I should feel guilty."

"Sure," House shrugged. "But is it bringing Dibala back? Is it helping you save other lives? What really is the point of it?"

"Maybe there is no point," Chase defied. "Except that it's right. Sometimes things just are right. And feeling guilty, being miserable over having taken a life just is right."

"Not if it incapacitates you," House insisted. "If you feel you failed as a doctor when you went against your oath and took the life of your patient instead of saving it, how do you think it will sit with your oath to fail to save more lives? Don't you think the only atonement, the only acceptable repentance is to save more lives? To do your job better than ever before?"

"I don't know," Chase muttered.

"Well you better figure it out soon," House stated. "Because if you don't start acting like a doctor soon you need to stop being one. I have no use for you if you can't do your job."

"I don't know if I can do my job," Chase cried.

"Well you need to figure it out soon," House told him. "You need to decide if you let the worst thing you ever did to define your whole life; to define you. Or are you going to pull yourself together and make the rest of your life count for more."

"I don't know," Chase repeated. "I don't know….."

----

"Robert!" Chase heard Cameron's voice through his sleep. "Robert, wake up. You're having a bad dream again!"

"Allison?" Chase felt groggy and unsure of his surroundings. "What is going on?"

"I don't know," Cameron replied. "You were trashing around and repeating that you don't know something."

"Oh," Chase remembered. "I was dreaming."

"I figured that much," Cameron pointed out. "What was it about?"

"Can't remember," Chase denied. "What time is it?"

"Almost time to get up and go to work," Cameron said as she checked the time.

"Right," Chase was glad to hear her answer. "I'll hit the shower and we'll get going."

"We need to talk…" Cameron tried to tell Chase's disappearing back, but she got no reply and had to give up with a sigh. For now.


	17. What was that?

_Thank you all for your reviews. It's so nice to know that people read my little story. And yes, this "should" remind you of What Dreams May Come, cause this is sort of in the same "universe". I think it suits philosophical ponderings ;)_

What was that?

"He disappeared rather quickly," House observed to Nyx as Chase practically blinked out of the garden.

"He must have woken up," Nyx shrugged.

"Woken up?" House asked. "I thought this was supposed to be **my** dream! How does him waking up or going to sleep affect my dreams?"

"Well, dreams work in mysterious ways," Nyx replied with wide-eyed innocence.

"Yeah, right!" House stared at her with suspicion. "You are trying to convince me that you're a goddess again, are you?"

"But if I'm a dream manifestation of your subconscious or unconscious mind," Nyx tilted her head and widened her eyes even more. "Then isn't it you who is trying to convince you of this?"

"And why would I do that?" House scorned.

"Maybe you have a desire, somewhere deep down, to believe in a greater power of some kind?" Nyx suggested.

"If I have, and I don't think I have," House glared at her. "It is very, very deep down. I do know I can't control the universe, in that sense there **is** a greater power – the universe in general and the way things just unfold – but supernatural? No."

"If you say so," Nyx humoured him.

"I do," House affirmed. "Now can we get back to Chase?"

"Your dream, your call," Nyx smiled.

"Goddess! You **are** annoying!" House sighed but after a pause he went on. "This dream Chase acted like I expected Chase to act or feel after what happened, but the real Chase is not admitting to any wrongdoing. He is troubled and can't sleep, is making Cameron miserable and in general shows signs of imminent breakdown, but he is still in denial."

"He thinks that he needs to believe that he did the right thing," Nyx mused."He fears he can't handle it, can't survive, if he realises that what he did was wrong."

"His country is better off without him," House mused. "There is no question about it that Dibala dead is a much better situation than Dibala alive. But that does not make what Chase did right. But I don't think he could have lived with letting Dibala live either. Not when he knew what was going to happen as soon as he got home. He had two crappy choices and I don't know what I would have chosen in his place."

"Yes you do," Nyx wasn't taking any crap from House. "You would have saved Dibala and let the chips fall as they may. Of course, you would never have had long enough conversations with him to find out his plans and especially the fact that he truly was the only one who was insisting on the genocide. But even if you had – you are a doctor first and foremost. Not only because you want to solve the medical puzzles, but because that is who you are. You may show scorn on the Hippocratic oath and other ethical guidelines that they have put in place, but not because you disagree with them, quite the contrary, you get the spirit of them but you don't think any doctor needs any other guideline than that the patient comes first. Always."

"Maybe," House sighed. "But I still can't judge Chase."

"Only you have," Nyx reminded him gently. "And you have chosen to judge him for what he is not for what he has done."

"Much good will that do if he can't reconcile himself with what he did," House shrugged. "He is heading for a crash and I don't know how to stop him. Mind you, I don't think anyone can stop him but himself."

"You're worried that he may come to harm?" Nyx asked. "Surely you don't think he would kill himself or anything?"

"His mother did," House pointed out.

"She died of alcoholism," Nyx frowned.

"She was catholic," House explained.

"Of course," Nyx nodded. "She had to take the long route. Maybe not technically suicide but self-destruction anyway. That could be the option Chase decides to take."

"And he will be directed to rehab," House pondered. "Only that won't help, because part of the process is supposed to be making amends was all the wrongs you've done. And how do you make amends for killing Hitler?"

"Does sound like an oxymoron," Nyx admitted. "Mind you, I have no problem with him killing a Tyrant. But then, I'm an ancient god and we weren't really known for our ethics or morals."

"Right, that's why you are the mother of Blame and Retribution?" House affirmed.

"Accidents do happen," Nyx shrugged. "Besides, I'm also the mother of Strife."

"So if you're not in the least interested in ethics and morals," House queried. "Then why are we having these conversations?"

"Well, when you live forever, things tend to get boring," Nyx admitted. "But people and their moral dilemmas are infinitely entertaining. Especially the knots they tie themselves into when they try to avoid a moral or ethical decisions or try to justify doing what they want instead of doing what they know is right."

"Are you trying to tell me that Chase **wanted** to kill Dibala?" House wondered. "Cause if you are, I don't believe it."

"No, Chase is a much more interesting case," Nyx explained. "He had saw two choices, both had ethical merit but in different systems. As a doctor he had a clear duty and ethical obligation to take care of his patient and treat him to the best of his ability and medical knowledge. As a human being he had a clear duty to stop a genocide. Now you may think that he could have combined them, but he didn't see a way to do that."

"Dibala's people may be poor, but his country is rich," House agreed.

"Meaning that when gold talks, all other voices – no matter how loud – are drowned," Nyx nodded.

"Yes," House affirmed. "Especially when you also have oil and diamonds to decorate your speech with."

"So you agree with Chase that he could not have stopped the genocide by treating Dibala normally as a patient but then reporting his words to UN or some other appropriate authority?" Nyx asked.

"Yes," House answered. "On that I agree with him. The third option was only a seeming one. Not that it wasn't one he shouldn't have tried, or knowing that it was a futile option made the other two options any better. No matter what he did, he knew he was going to fail by some standard. He was going to fail as a doctor or he was going to fail as a human being. The third option would have also been a failure, because he knew the futility of it and it would have been just a cop out. Oddly enough he does have enough – more than enough – moral fibre to see the options, all of them, and then decide that on this he could not just coast it."

"You admire him?" Nyx suggested.

"I think he did a great thing," House said. "He had a choice and he made it. That he only had wrong choices to choose from, makes it even greater. But great things are also often terrible. I can't say that I admire his choice, but I do … I don't know. I do think he showed a lot of mettle to make the choice. Now all he has to do is to live with it."

"And there lies the rub," Nyx agreed. "But you haven't told him what you think of his actions. I mean you have clearly indicated that you don't judge him, but you have not said anything to tell him what you think of what he did. Why?"

"He doesn't need me to tell him anything about it," House shrugged. "My belabouring the enormity of what he did won't make any difference to him. He needs to tell it to himself. He needs to really see, consciously and not just suppressing it, what he did and how that defines him and directs him from now on. I can't do it for him."

"But you can show that you care," Nyx said.

"But I don't," House frowned. "I don't care about what he has done because I truly believe he will not do anything like it again."

"I meant about him," Nyx corrected.

"Oh….."


	18. The horror, the horror

The horror, the horror

"So you still can't sleep," Chase heard a voice say next to his ear. He opened a bleary eye and looked around him. This was not the couch of his home nor the bar he had stopped in to have a drink. This looked like a blasted herb garden in some blasted Elizabethan manor house in England. He could swear he could even smell the lavender and mint and other stupid herbs.

"If this isn't sleep," Chase muttered. "Then I have taken a leaf out of House's book and am hallucinating."

"Well, I suppose you can call this sleep, at least my brother calls it that, but then I think he has a deal with Bacchus, and I'm not sure I want to know what that deal was. Technically speaking you passed out," the voice informed Chase. Chase turned his head, squinted his eyes and discovered a seemingly youngish girl sitting next to him on the small patch of lawn that was hosting a sun dial. She was dressed all in white and her hair was so blond it, too, looked white but her eyes were dark and somehow she gave the impression that she wasn't as young as she seemed at first glance.

"Do I know you?" Chase asked because she did look somewhat familiar.

"We've met," she nodded. "Once upon a dream. But I'm not surprised that you don't remember cause, firstly it wasn't all your dream and secondly you don't really want to remember the dreams you've been having recently."

"Maybe not," Chase shrugged uncaringly. "But I still don't remember who you are."

"I'm Death," she replied.

Chase blinked. He stared. He swallowed. "Have you come for me then?"

"I hope not," Death said seriously. "Though I may end up doing that unless you stop killing yourself. And Cameron."

"I'm not killing Cameron," Chase sounded alarmed.

"No?" Death queried. "You think watching you kill yourself with booze while she has to sit by and can't do anything about it isn't killing her? She is about to lose her second husband and you know her! She hasn't fully recovered even from the first one even though she has been brave enough to go on living and loving again. How do you think she will survive this?"

"I'm not killing myself," Chase insisted. "I'm just…"

"What?" Death insisted. "Trying to kill your dreams? Or the little nagging voice at the back of your head that is telling you that you're just a common murderer."

"I'm not!" Chase shouted. "I'm not. I… Yes, I did murder Dibala, but I had to. It was necessary."

"_Necessity, the Tyrant's plea"_ Death quoted. "Indeed. If doing what you deem to be necessary negates the murder, then Dibala wasn't a murderer either. He, too, believed that it was **necessary** to kill. And he didn't do it for himself either. He was going to do it for his country. Yes, for **his** vision of what his country should be like, but even so, he did what he believed was necessary for his country. "

"But he was wrong," Chase insisted. "Even his general advised him not to do it."

"True," Death nodded. "And now he is in power and is talking peace."

"He is a better ruler than Dibala," Chase concluded. "Maybe because he didn't really seek that power."

"But now he has it," Death pointed out. "And you won't know what he will be like in the future. Power tends to corrupt."

"And absolute power corrupts absolutely," Chase worried.

"You tell me," Death invited.

"What do you mean?" Chase frowned.

"There is no power more absolute than the power to decide who will live and who will die," Death stated. "And you decided that Dibala will die and two million people will live. Are you sure you didn't take that decision upon yourself just to feel like God?"

"I… I…" Chase stuttered. "No! No, I didn't want to feel like God. And even if I had wanted that, I would have been a fool cause I didn't and I'm not feeling like that. I… I feel… I feel…"

"You feel like a murderer and that is what you try to drown with the booze," Death concluded for him.

"Why?" Chase nearly cried. "Someone had to do something. I shouldn't have saved his life. I … If I couldn't just walk away when that young man was trying to kill Dibala, how could I have just walked away when I found out that Dibala was going to kill all those people! What was I supposed to do!"

"That is not for me to tell you," Death sighed. "You have to find your own answers."

"I need to ask," Chase said. "I need to know: would he have died anyway?"

"If he would have," Death queried. "What difference would that make? If I tell you that I was going to take him anyway, that he was too far gone for the medicine, then what? Does that make you any less a murderer?"

"Surely it does," Chase pleaded. "Surely it makes some difference."

"If you shortened his life by just an hour," Death pondered. "You still shortened his life. You still took it. No, it does not make any difference."

"So you have come to make me answer for my crime," Chase decided. "You want me to pay somehow for what I did to Dibala."

"You are confusing me with my sister," Death sighed. "I'm not retribution. I'm just Death."

"The why didn't you take Dibala before he…" Chase didn't know how to finish his question.

"Before you murdered him?" Death wasn't relenting. "I try not to interfere with free will. Yours or Dibala's. Mostly because when I do, it's rather final."

"So why are you here then?" Chase wondered. "If you're not here to take me or punish me for murdering him."

"I'm not interested in Dibala anymore," Death told Chase. "He is out of my jurisdiction now. He is already dead and – oddly enough – my business is with the living. I end lives. I don't 'start' deaths. I look at now and I look at what has been. I don't look at what comes after, if anything does."

"You don't know?" Chase was surprised.

"If I'm to do my job," Death shrugged. "I can't. I usually take lives when it's time, but I can choose not to do that. I can take lives sooner or later if I want. If I knew what was going to happen to each after death, that could affect my judgement. And the very last thing you want is capricious Death! No, I don't know."

"And since Dibala is dead, you have no interest in him anymore," Chase repeated. "Then why are you here if not to hold me accountable?"

"But I am here to hold you accountable," Death insisted. "I am holding you accountable for what you did to **you**."

"I.. What do you mean, me?" Chase was stunned. "Are you talking about me getting away with it? Not confessing?"

"No," Death shook her head. "I'm not interested in the earthly consequences. I'm interested in what you did to yourself. You can't kill someone else without killing some part of your own being as well. Donne was right: no man is an island. Each death affects all, one way or another. A different kind of butterfly effect, if you wish. But you didn't encounter the butterfly, you were in the heart of the hurricane. You unleashed things that you're not sure you can handle. Therefore you drink. And if you go on drinking you will eventually kill yourself – one way or another. You went into the darkness of your soul and you don't know if you can find a light ever again. Anywhere."

"The heart of darkness," Chase muttered.

"The heart of darkness," Death agreed. "And it was more consuming than you expected."

"Can I find my way out?" Chase whispered.

"People have," Death confirmed. "But I don't know if you can. Only you can know that. The only thing I know for sure is that you won't find any light on the bottom of a bottle."

"You sound like Cameron," Chase groaned.

"Who does!!!" Cameron's voice came loud and clear to Chase. "Who sounds like me?"

"What….?" Chase opened his eye and tried to make out what his surroundings were and he realised he was flat on his back on the kitchen floor of his and Cameron's home. "Oh.. Nobody, or just a dream I had. I.. I need to go to the bathroom."

"Again…" Cameron muttered angrily as – once again – Chase got out of the room before they could try and really talk.


	19. Time after time

Time after time

"So you think he told her," House heard Nyx's voice next to him. He wasn't surprised. He was starting to expect to have her in his dreams. It was actually kinda nice to have someone to talk to about things. Maybe Wilson did have a point after all. Just not aloud and to dead people. In dreams was much better – at least for him.

"Yeah, he told her," House nodded.

"Any idea what she's gonna do once she gets over the shock?" Nyx wondered.

"Knowing Cameron, I'd say that she will decide to forgive him," House shrugged a bit ruefully.

"Forgive him what, exactly?" Nyx frowned. "For not telling her or for telling her or what?"

"Everything, I suspect," House said.

"That's a rather sweeping statement," Nyx observed.

"She is a sweeping kinda girl when it comes to things like this," House sighed.

"Not a good thing?" Nyx observed.

"Nope," House agreed. "She will try to do what she thinks she ought to do because she loves her husband, but on the other hand, she is an idealist and tends to try to live up to impossible standards and sometimes she expects those standards from others as well. Besides, she will approach the whole thing wrong."

"Because she thinks it's up to her to forgive him?" Nyx wondered. "Sure, she may need to forgive him for having kept the secret when you and Foreman knew all about it. Or she may need to forgive him for telling her. But it is not within her jurisdiction to forgive him for the murder."

"Sooner or later she will realise that," House concurred. "And then the enormity of it all will hit her idealistic little mind and her marriage will implode."

"You think it's over for those two?" Nyx sounded sad.

"I think there will be a break-up," House didn't sound too cheerful either. "How permanent it will be, depends on many things."

"So it's wait and see?" Nyx asked.

"Not much else anyone can do," House nodded.

"Is that what you're doing with Cuddy, too?" Nyx wanted to know. "Wait for her relationship with Lucas to fall apart and then see where that leaves you?"

"Who says her relationship with Lucas is going to fall apart?" House insisted.

"Lucas is not man enough for her," Nyx scorned.

"Now that is just my jealousy talking," House pointed out.

"Not necessarily," Nyx denied.

"I disagree," House maintained. "Sure, I have no right to be jealous, there were no promises made, not even implied. She did give me some openings before, but I didn't take them. There was no reason for me to assume she was going to sit home and wait for me to come out of Mayfield and pick up from… well, with the hallucinations and all I'm not even sure where we were when I left. Besides, I found someone else, too. Just because it didn't work out for me, is no reason for me to think she shouldn't have a working relationship with someone else."

"If it was a working relationship, that would be fine," Nyx insisted. "You know she can make Lucas do whatever she wants. She can push him and order him about and he'll just take it. He will retaliate somewhat by embarrassing her at chosen moments like he did at the coffee table, but mostly he will just take it. And he is very subtle with his retaliation."

"He is good with Rachel," House stated.

"Maybe," Nyx conceded. "But if that is Cuddy's main reason for having him around, she'd be better off just hiring him to babysit. I'm not saying that he is a bad man or that there is anything that wrong with him, but he just isn't what Cuddy thinks he is and the relationship is doomed."

"How do you know what Cuddy thinks he is?" House wanted to know.

"Ok, maybe I don't," Nyx admitted – though not very convincingly. "But it's obvious what is attracting her in him."

"Not to me!" House denied. "Except that he gets along great with Rachel."

"When you look at Lucas, don't you sometimes feel like you're looking at a time-warping mirror?" Nyx asked. "He looks a lot like you some twenty years ago."

"He is not that much younger than me," House pointed out.

"No, but he looks like he was," Nyx wasn't letting go of her theory. "Or more accurately, he looks like what you would be like had the last twenty years been different. Easier, lighter less … I don't know, lived with less passion. He has his principles, I'm sure, but his profession isn't one where he needs to evaluate them every day. He doesn't have to come face to face with himself and his beliefs quite as often as you do. He can afford to be softer. He can also schedule his job better; nobody dies if he doesn't catch the cheating spouse today. They will go on cheating and he will catch them another day. You need to catch your 'villains' today, because tomorrow your patient will be dead."

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But that does not mean Lucas' job is much easier. PI:s look for missing people, too, you know. And that can be quite heartbreaking and does put you face to face with your principles and values."

"Is he looking for missing people?" Nyx demanded.

"Not that I know of," House admitted. "But he wouldn't tell me if he were. There is such a thing as client confidentiality. Also, just because he isn't doing it now, does not mean he hasn't done it before. As I said, it can be heartbreaking."

"Does he look broken to you?" Nyx scorned.

"No," House stated. "But then most people don't think Wilson looks broken either. You can't always tell."

"You usually can," Nyx reminded him.

"I used to," House corrected. "I'm not quite so sure now. I know my friends, but I'm not so sure I read strangers as well anymore. Not yet."

"You think your stay at Mayfield impaired your judgement?" Nyx frowned.

"No, not my stay at Mayfield," House observed. "The impairment happened before. Mayfield got me better, but I don't quite trust myself yet. Not with everything."

"You trusted yourself enough to decide for Wilson that he didn't have the right to ruin his career," Nyx pointed out.

"Wilson is a friend," House shrugged. "He wasn't thinking clearly. If he still wants to ruin his career he can do it, but to me it looked like he was confusing the need to get the message out there with his own guilt and overdeveloped feelings of responsibility. I needed to clear the issues for him. If he still wants to confess, I'm not stopping him, but I don't think he will."

"No, nor do I," Nyx smiled. "What you did for him was good. He is lucky to have you for a friend."

"I'm not so sure about that," House sighed. "If I wasn't his friend he wouldn't have gotten the dumb idea into his head in the first place!"

"Wilson?" Nyx wondered. "You really think his overdeveloped sense of responsibility wouldn't have gotten him to this point without you? Nah. He would have done the same thing sooner or later even if he had never met you. Luckily he had met you and you were with him when he went over the rails and you got his back. You saved his career and therefore you have a stake in every life he saves from now on."

"And every patient he kills," House reminded her.

"And every patient he helps escape unbearable pain," Nyx corrected. "That is not a bad thing either."

"So you approve of doctors killing patients?" House challenged her.

"I think that sometimes it is necessary, but I also think that Wilson was right in wanting more people than just one doctor to make that decision and wanting to have some kind of guidelines for the decision," Nyx pondered. "Because I quite agree with you on that none of them can really be trusted."

"But you trust Wilson?" House asked.

"We both do," Nyx smiled. "And given his overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we should."


	20. Right and Wrong

Right and wrong

"Here again?" Nyx was surprised as she saw House sitting in the garden. This time they met by the stream. House was throwing little pebbles into the water as he sat on the grassy bank pondering something.

"Why so surprised?" House asked. "Didn't you invite me?"

"Not this time," Nyx revealed as she sat down next to him. "But you're still welcome."

"Thanks," House replied.

"So what is your problem - this time," Nyx prompted.

"I was wrong," House stated.

"You're often wrong," Nyx frowned in puzzlement. "Until you're eventually right."

"With patients, yes," House agreed. "But I'm not talking about a patient."

"Ah, you mean Cameron," Nyx nodded. "She found out what Chase had done and walked out on him. She didn't forgive as you assumed."

"No, I was right in thinking that she would decide to forgive him," House sighed. "But I was wrong about the why and how soon."

"Meaning?" Nyx wanted to know.

"She decided to forgive him immediately," House explained. "Because she figured that the fault was really mine not Chase's."

"You had nothing to do with it!" Nyx exclaimed.

"According to Cameron I have corrupted Chase beyond redemption," House sounded slightly bitter. "I was pretty much expecting her to hand be a chalice of hemlock at the end of her tirade."

"How does she think you corrupted Chase?" Nyx found House's account hard to believe. "You teach your team to fight for the patient; you teach them that life is the only thing that really matters – unless the quality of the life is going to be compromised beyond what is bearable. You do take risks, but you don't take them lightly and when you had your infarction you showed that you are willing to put your own life on the very same line you put any of your patients' lives. What Chase did was against everything you have ever lived and taught! How can Cameron connect that with you?"

"According to her I pretend to be God and thus teach others, who want to emulate me, take on the same role," House revealed.

"You don't even believe in God," Nyx pointed out.

"Doesn't mean I can't want to be one," House said. "Nor that I don't think I **am** one."

"So she left you and she left Chase," Nyx was shaking her head. "I can't believe it."

"Me neither," House admitted. "I thought she loved Chase. I believed that I had trained her to face facts and confront problems instead of running away from them."

"She run away once before," Nyx pointed out. "When she was running away from her feelings for you."

"But that time she was also making a grand gesture to save Foreman and Chase," House reminded Nyx. "She had two reasons. And once one reason was removed she came back. She even confronted her feelings towards me. Maybe not in the smartest way, but she did. And she stayed. This time, this time she is just running away."

"What did you expect her to do?" Nyx asked.

"I expected her to stay and try to save Chase," House sighed. "As I said, I believed that she loved Chase. As it turns out, she didn't know him any better than she ever knew me."

"But how would she have saved Chase if he hasn't been corrupted by you?" Nyx wondered.

"She couldn't have," House agreed. "But I expected to have more time and in time I expected her to be able to deal with what Chase did. It's not like we're going to have a stream of homicidal dictators coming to us for treatment."

"You think that Chase would do it again if he met someone like Dibala again?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I'm not sure," House shrugged. "I think that he probably would. If he could change what he did to Dibala, I don't think he would."

"So you do approve of his actions?" Nyx assumed.

"Taking a life is always wrong," House mused. "Even when it's the best choice available. You need to be conscious of that every time you face the choice. If you're not aware of the enormity of your choice you start to take it too lightly and then you start making mistakes. Or you start seeing yourself as a god. I believe Chase is and was very aware of the gravity of his actions. I do agree with him that Dibala had to be stopped. I'm not so sure Chase's way was the only way. And even if it was the only way and the best way, it was still wrong. But what is done is done. Chase is a good doctor and he deserves to go on practising. Even if making the murder public wouldn't cause more harm than good I still wouldn't want to have Chase face the legal consequences. He is a good doctor and he deserves a chance to make his life count for more than the worst thing he ever did."

"And that is what you expected Cameron to learn had she stayed around," Nyx concluded. "That one bad decision – even as profoundly wrong as Chase's was – does not need to be the defining act of one's life. That everyone is redeemable."

"There is no saint without a past," House replied.

"Nor a sinner without a future," Nyx added. "Oscar Wilde got that right."

"He also said that to love oneself is the start of a lifelong romance," House observed.

"Now you're just being facetious," Nyx admonished him.

"Maybe a little," House acknowledged.

"So how will Chase take this separation?" Nyx wondered.

"Not very well," House assumed. "Killing Dibala has been eating him for weeks now and then have Cameron first accept him and then just pull the rug right from under him with her reaction is not going to help his mental state."

"You're not going to cut him any slack, though," Nyx suspected.

"Nope," House stated. "He doesn't need that. He needs to keep moving, keep saving lives and being a doctor."

"So you will push him," Nyx concluded. "You do know that he is on the edge and could react badly?"

"He is not suicidal," House said firmly. "If he explodes he won't harm himself."

"He could harm you," Nyx pointed out.

"Chase?" House thought about it for a moment. "Maybe. I doubt it, but maybe. If so, I'll live."

"You probably will," Nyx agreed. "But how will that help Chase?"

"If he spends his time fuming about my words and actions," House shrugged. "He won't be sitting at home feeling sorry and miserable and depressed over Cameron's departure."

"Sounds like a devious plan," Nyx noted. "Are you sure it will work?"

"No," House admitted. "But I don't have anything better right now either."

"You didn't make Cameron leave him," Nyx told him. "You are not responsible for the break up. Had he not killed Dibala he would still be with Cameron. It was his decision, and the consequences are also his."

"But I'm the one who pushed," House pointed out. "Maybe he needed more time. Maybe it would have been ok had I not pushed Cameron into a decision right now."

"You know that is not true," Nyx stated. "She would have been pushed into it sooner or later anyway and at least now Chase has something to help him deal with it. He has a job, friends, routine. Things that will help him carry on."

"And what does Cameron have?" House asked.

"Her self-righteousness!" Nyx replied curtly.

"Whoa there!" House was surprised. "That's a bit harsh."

"Is it?" Nyx asked. "She is blaming you for the 'climate' that allowed Chase to kill Dibala. But she was the one who kept on stating that she wanted Dibala dead the whole time you were treating him."

"I don't think she was exactly wanting him dead," House decided to split some hairs. "It was more a case of her wanting him not-alive."

"A fine distinction," Nyx scorned. "Mind you, I shouldn't be angry at her. I can easily recognize my son's handiwork in her attitude."

"Your son?" House frowned. "Ah yes. Momus. God of unfair criticism and blame."

"The very one," Nyx acknowledged. "I wouldn't be the least surprised if I found out that he had paid Cameron a visit."

"Could be," House nodded. "But hardly uninvited."

"True," Nyx accepted. "People do tend to find him very attractive."


	21. Perceptions

Perceptions

"I told you that Chase could hurt you," Nyx sounded almost pleased.

"Yes, you did indeed tell me so," House accepted. "I hadn't considered the effect the others were having on him."

"You're not angry at him?" Nyx asked.

"Why would I be?" House asked. "He figured out a unique way of stopping everyone from annoying him with stupid questions. I respect that. Besides I sort of owed him. I once hit him without due cause."

"He knew that there would be no consequences to him for punching you?" Nyx assumed.

"He didn't press charges when I punched him," House shrugged. "It would have been churlish of me not to follow his example. Besides, I get to court quite often enough under my own steam without suing everyone who hits me."

"You're very forgiving when it comes to people abusing you," Nyx worried.

"Only when they are in my team," House corrected. "Or my friends."

"Oh, yes! Friends," Nyx enunciated. "That reminds me. What the dickens is Cuddy up to! I don't even recognise her anymore."

"She's just getting some of her own back," House defended her.

"You have never been cruel to her," Nyx maintained.

"I called her kid a bastard," House reminded her. "I told her that she would make a lousy mother."

"You were in pain and you were angry," Nyx insisted. "You were never calculatingly cruel."

"Now you are just overstating the matter," House stated. "It wasn't that bad."

"No?" Nyx disbelieved. "Well, since you were the butt of the joke, I suppose I need to take your word for it, but I still have to say that you were right."

"Now you're just confusing me," House frowned. "Right about what?"

"You may not be perfect for Cuddy," Nyx clarified. "But you are definitely less wrong than Lucas."

"I was pretending to be drunk and maudlin when I said that," House pointed out. "I said it for the effect, not for any truth value it might have."

"It has a lot of truth value," Nyx asserted. "Lucas may be a fine man, I can't really say anything against him, but Cuddy is less when she is with him. She will wake up one day and realise that she doesn't like herself when she is with him and that is not right. When you love someone that someone ought to make you want to be a better person! Cuddy makes you want to be a better person!"

"Does she?" House doubted. "I'm scamming and cheating and bribing patients with the best of them again."

"True," Nyx nodded. "Because she chose Lucas. But it was Cuddy, albeit a hallucinatory version of her, who got you to go to Mayfield. You wanted to get better. ALL better. Had you just wanted to get rid of the hallucinations, any rehab facility would have worked."

"I suppose," House had to agree. "But that doesn't matter much now. She has made her choice and I've done all I can about it. Now it is what it is and I just have to leave them alone."

"You haven't done all you can!" Nyx insisted.

"All I can without making Cuddy miserable," House amended. "I pushed, she dug her heels. If I push more she will just resist harder. I could, of course, go all out and spread rumours and harass them and do whatever it takes, but Cuddy would never trust me again after that. We may be at a bad place now but we are still friends. Or at least more or less friendly. It would not be wise to tamper with that."

"So you're just going to leave her to Lucas?" Nyx wondered. "Even when you know that they are not good for each other and that it will end badly."

"I know nothing of the kind," House denied. "I have no reason to assume that they will not live happily ever after – or at least as happily as most couples do."

"Except that Lucas is obviously a substitute for you," Nyx stated.

"We may be a bit alike," House acknowledged. "But that does not mean that Cuddy is trying to find a 'new' me. She is a smart woman. She knows her own mind and she does have a kid to think about. I have to trust her. I'll just annoy Wilson the more."

"You do know you could have more friends than just Wilson if you wanted to," Nyx reminded him. "You did just fine in Mayfield."

"Mayfield was a closed set," House shrugged. "You made the best of what you could find there. Besides, most patients would rather not be reminded of their time inside, so those friendships are pretty much doomed as soon as you get out."

"Fair enough," Nyx accepted. "But that still leaves plenty of choice."

"Name one!" House challenged her.

"Chase," Nyx replied immediately. "He is pretty much on the same wavelength with you."

"And he punched me," House pointed out. "I have quite enough enemies who do that. I don't need friends to fill in for that duty."

"No?" Nyx looked at him pointedly.

"When Cuddy set up that trip-wire she was hurting," House insisted. "She didn't want to leave her baby to take care of the hospital and she needed someone to blame. I was just convenient."

"And she was being unreasonable," Nyx stated.

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But she stopped and she apologized."

"Only not this time," Nyx concluded. "If Lucas was good for her, she would have apologized this time too. Or, more likely, she wouldn't have sent you to a six hour wild goose chase in the first place."

"Turkey sandwich chase, actually," House corrected her.

"Of course," Nyx slapped her forehead. "That makes it all better."

"It was a very good sandwich," House stated. "And the house sitter was a med student so we had quite an interesting conversation too."

"You think she'll report to Cuddy?" Nyx assumed.

"Sooner or later Cuddy will want to know how I reacted," House affirmed.

"Hmmm," Nyx pondered. "That could actually work. However, it doesn't solve your immediate problem of too few people you call friends."

"Friend," House corrected.

"My point exactly," Nyx said triumphantly.

"Why would Chase want to be friends with the person who drove his wife into leaving him?" House asked.

"Because Cameron isn't any more your sock puppet than he is," Nyx stated. "Cameron did what she did out of her own reasons. They may have been deluded reasons, but you were not the one who deluded her. She did that all by herself. Chase isn't bearing any grudge against you. But he, too, is in need of a friend."

"Everyone is pushing to be his friend," House pointed out. "That's why he punched me."

"Yes," Nyx agreed. "Because you are the only one he really trusts. And you need to trust your friends. And he talked to you."

"Only because he needed to explain his apology," House clarified.

"And because you didn't ask," Nyx continued. "You were the only one who didn't bug him about his feelings. You only bugged him about his ability to do his job."

"I taunted him about Cameron leaving," House declared. "That must be worse than everyone asking him how he is."

"Actually it isn't," Nyx smiled. "At least not for him. He hates people wanting to know his feelings, unless they are people he wants to share his feelings with. He finds people walking on eggshells around him much more aggravating that straight forward confrontation. Yes, you taunted, but you didn't try to make him feel better when it is obvious that nobody can make him feel better for quite some time. You may be limping but you're not lame. Besides, your taunting gave him an opportunity to vent some of his feelings."

"So glad I was able to help," House replied sarcastically.

"You are, you know," Nyx smiled broadly. "You really are glad you could help him. So why don't you make him a friend?"

"Because I have my hands full with Wilson," House glared.

"Wilson has a life, you know," Nyx reminded him.

"Not since he lost Amber he hasn't," House replied sadly.

"You don't owe him," Nyx said.

"True, I don't owe him," House agreed. "Except that I do."

"Facts don't always match perception," Nyx sighed.

"True," House nodded. "But usually only because you don't have all the facts yet."

"Now that's just arrogant!" Nyx laughed.

"That's me," House fully acknowledged.


	22. Dark Side

Dark side

"So you finally got Wilson to join you on the dark side," Nyx greeted House as she walked into the gazebo where House – again – found himself lounging after sleep overtook him.

"So it seems," House smiled. "I only wish I had succeeded a little earlier."

"You really think he would have refused to help Tucker had you got him to understand that there are jerks and then there are real jerks a bit sooner?" Nyx asked.

"No," House sighed. "Had he realized who Tucker is before the new cancer, then yes, but once Wilson had fried the liver, there was no way he would have refused. He might have even thought about it all by himself because of his guilt had Tucker not got there first. But, being the selfish, self-serving, shallow jerk that he is, Tucker did go there first."

"And Wilson being Wilson, he had to say yes," Nyx concluded.

"Yeah," House nodded. "Cause that's who he is."

"You say it like it's a bad thing?" Nyx observed.

"Sometimes it is - for him," House explained. "He doesn't know when to stop trying to please people. Amber would have given him hell over this. Actually, Amber might have talked him out of treating a friend or at least out of trying the double chemo. She had ways at her disposal that I don't."

"You do know that half the hospital thinks you do have those ways at your disposal too," Nyx laughed.

"If they didn't before they will think it now that we are actually moving in together," House responded with a mischievous smile. "I mean, it's one thing for me to stay with him when I'm just out of rehab – everybody knows living alone is likely to cause a relapse – but Wilson getting us a loft, now that's commitment."

"You didn't think it was 'commitment' when Cuddy was getting one," Nyx pointed out.

"She is moving out of a perfectly good house in an ideal neighbourhood to a lifestyle that has never really been hers," House said. "She got her house for herself – with the eye to possible children – and there are no memories of previous relationships in there."

"Except, possibly, of you," Nyx mused.

"I have never lived there," House frowned. "I haven't ever even spent the night there."

"But you are used to walking in and out of there night and day as if you owned the place," Nyx reminded him.

"If my patients need a procedure that I need Cuddy's permission to do," House shrugged. "I would have walked in and out of her loft exactly the same way. I have never invaded her privacy without due cause."

"Even if the cause has, on occasion, been a bit trumped up," Nyx agreed.

"But never imaginary," House defended himself. "I may have sometimes wanted her permission or opinion even when it hasn't been strictly necessary, but there has always been a patient and a problem."

"But there are still plenty of memories of you in her old house," Nyx insisted. "If she wants a new start with a new man, a new place is not a bad idea."

"As I said, she has no relationship memories in her old house," House repeated. "If she was secure in her feelings for Lucas, she could stay there without any problems. It's a nice neighbourhood, too. Maybe a bit conservative, but, again, if she was sure about her feelings she wouldn't mind the occasional odd look she gets for having a man who is just younger enough to look it."

"You think she is running away from all things and people who might make her realise she has made a mistake?" Nyx queried.

"Yes," House stated. "She is running scared and trying her damnest not to show it – or even feel it."

"So what do you think she will say when she finds out that it was Wilson who foiled her dream of getting the loft?" Nyx wanted to know.

"At first she will be happy for Wilson," House mused. "That is before she finds out about the loft. She will be happy that Wilson was able to move on and out of Amber's place and she may even go as far as to commend me for somehow having brought it about."

"It is a huge step forward for Wilson to leave Amber behind," Nyx agreed.

"He isn't leaving her behind," House said. "But you can't travel with a shrine, so he will have to just carry her memory with him. In time it will be a healthy memory, and he will be able to truly move on with his life."

"Hopefully," Nyx agreed. "So, what will happen when Cuddy finds out where you moved? She will find it out eventually, you know."

"Absolutely she will," House nodded. "And she will be furious. But she will try to control it since blaming Wilson for moving on after she has just congratulated him for that very move will sound petty. Of course, initially she will blame me."

"You weren't even supposed to know she was looking for an apartment," Nyx frowned.

"Oh, yes I was," House contradicted her. "The only reason Cuddy told Wilson about her apartment hunting was so that Wilson would tell me. She miscalculated a little, but I did find out in the end."

"So how can she be mad if she thinks you did what she wanted you to do?" Nyx asked.

"First of all, she doesn't want to acknowledge that she wanted me to do anything," House pointed out. "Also, she will have convinced herself that what she wanted was my blessing or acceptance, not my interference."

"But surely she will eventually find out that it was Wilson," Nyx assumed.

"I'm pretty sure she will," House nodded. "Especially as I don't think Wilson can keep the secret for long. He will feel too guilty for several reasons and he will definitely not let me take the blame."

"Once she realises it's all Wilson's doing," House pondered. "She will yell, and pout – and loo adorable doing that, by the way – she may even refuse to talk to him for a while but then she will get over it and be an adult about it."

"You look a bit too worried for that scenario," Nyx suspected. "Are you trying to convince yourself that that is what she will do or what is it?"

"I'm pretty sure that is how Cuddy will react," House affirmed. "But there is Lucas and I'm not so sure about him. He is the unknown in this scenario."

"He wasn't buying the loft, was he?" Nyx questioned.

"No," House confirmed. "But he likes Cuddy to have what she wants. He even tried to 'help' with my getting the team I wanted because he figured that it would make Cuddy's life easier. He is enough like me to get angry for those he loves and reckless enough to do something about it. Even when Cuddy wouldn't want him to."

"You don't often go after those who hurt your friend," Nyx observed. "If Lucas is like you why would he?"

"There is no point in going after those who hurt my friend," House smiled ruefully. "Because it's usually me. And when it isn't, there is often too much of a chance for collateral damage. Besides, I'm lazy. Lucas isn't."

"So you think he might do something to get back at Wilson for hurting Cuddy?" Nyx worried.

"He is the unknown in this equation," House pointed out. "He could be unpredictable."

"Are you worried?" Nyx wanted to know.

"No," House shrugged. "There is no point. He will do what he will do if he does anything. It's useless to worry in advance over something that may not even happen."

"What if he hurts Wilson?" Nyx asked. "I mean for real."

"He better not," House stated simply.


	23. Moving in

Moving in

"So how do you feel about moving?" Nyx asked House.

"I'm fine," House frowned a bit puzzled. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering if you think this is permanent," Nyx shrugged. "You know - this living with Wilson."

"Can't really be," House replied. "He will eventually get together with some woman or another. And then I'll be in the way."

"So you are keeping your old apartment as well?" Nyx queried.

"I haven't made up my mind yet," House said. "I like my old apartment, but it also has a lot of memories. It is easier to fall back on old habits in surroundings where the habits are seeped into the walls, so to speak. When Wilson needs me gone he will give me enough warning to get a place of my own, so in that sense I don't need to keep the old place. On the other hand, I could just rent it out and then see how things go."

"You have done quite a lot of that lately," Nyx observed. "Just seeing how things go."

"Have I really?" House doubted. "I suspect both Cuddy and Chase would disagree."

"Ok, let me rephrase," Nyx amended. "You have done surprisingly much of it for you."

"That I can agree with," House accepted. "Nolan did tell me to try and just let go. At least sometimes."

"You also take his advice surprisingly well given what you usually think of shrinks," Nyx stated.

"Most shrinks are charlatans," House dismissed. "Nolan… he actually knows what he is doing and accepts that his is not an exact science. He.. he's ok."

"And he is a friend," Nyx concluded. "Or else you wouldn't have stayed with him when his father was dying."

"I had nothing else to do," House shrugged.

"That hasn't usually been enough of a reason for you to do something you don't want to do," Nyx smiled. "You connected with him. As you did with Lydia – of course very differently, but still."

"VERY differently," House stressed. "So I wouldn't say there is anything common there."

"Except you," Nyx pointed out. "You allowed yourself to be there in the moment. Different moments but both important to the ones you shared them with."

"Not that important to one of them," House observed.

"You don't know that," Nyx stated. "Just because she chose to leave does not mean it wasn't important. Besides, the importance of it to you – of both those moments – was that you joined. You were there and not just outside observing."

"And much good it did me," House scoffed.

"It reconnected you to the rest of the human race," Nyx said. "You still observe, you will always do that, but you also connect. Not to everybody, and why should you. But you are more open with Wilson and he needs that right now. You are also willing to be open with others, too, in time."

"If you mean Cuddy with that willingness," House replied. "Then it's happening too late. She has found her own connections and isn't interested in me."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Nyx mused. "The lady doth protest an awful lot. I don't think she is nearly as happy with Lucas as she'd like to be. Or thinks she should be. She has chosen what she thinks is the safe, reliable option and that would be good, if that was what she wanted. I just don't think she does."

"Yeah, well, Lucas may be all wrong for her," House sighed. "But as long as he is who she wants then that's it. I interfered as much as I could without burning bridges. It's out of my hands."

"And in Wilson's," Nyx smiled.

"Not really," House denied. "And he isn't even trying to take it into his hands. He just wanted to punish Cuddy. He has finally mastered the concept of 'bros before hos'."

"But if Cuddy doesn't move in with Lucas now," Nyx pondered. "She might end up not doing it at all. She now has more time to think and maybe she will come to the conclusion that Lucas isn't what she wants."

"Yeah, and maybe the moon really is made out of blue cheese," House scoffed. "No, losing the loft is just a small hindrance. If she wants to live with him, he can move into her house or they can find something else together. The loft was just nice, not essential. Besides, she is much more likely to realise that he is wrong for her – if he is – when they are living together than when they are just dating."

"Wilson didn't find Amber wrong for him though they were living together," Nyx observed.

"They lived together for a relatively short time," House pointed out. "Besides, she wasn't wrong for him."

"Because she was you in a skirt?" Nyx asked.

"No," House shook his head. "Because she wanted him to be him and didn't accept anything less. Wilson gave her love and respect mostly because she refused to have only either or. But she also gave both, and refused to let Wilson be anything but worthy of it."

"You sound like you rather respected her yourself," Nyx said.

"Maybe I did," House shrugged. "There must be a reason why she has been – rather literally – in my head a lot this last year."

"But she is all gone now?" Nyx just wanted to make sure.

"Unless you're her in disguise, then yeah," House confirmed. "She's all gone."

"Bet before she left," Nyx considered. "She made you want to get better, to get back to actually living and not just being."

"She told me to get off the bus," House told her. "I wanted peace but she told me I couldn't have it there. Not yet."

"She was right," Nyx nodded. "You had people who needed you and things that had to be done."

"Like saving Kutner," House observed bitterly. "Only I failed in that."

"Maybe he wasn't yours to save," Nyx pointed out. "You don't always get to do what you want or think you should have done. Sometimes things just happen. Nobody saw it coming, and you know that is often the case with suicides. Nobody saw it coming. They don't see it even when they think back and examine every minute detail. There truly was no warning, no observable cause. He just did it for his own personal reasons. He just did it. Just like the girl who took that kitchen cleaner; her parents didn't know she was suicidal. Nobody could tell. And she didn't even have a reason for it, other than she had just never been happy."

"Kutner was happy," House pointed out. "Eager to learn, loved people, interested in just about everything."

"He loved being with people," Nyx agreed. "It was the alone he couldn't handle. Unlike you."

"Me?" House made a dismissing sound. "Yeah, I can handle alone so well that Nolan wouldn't let me out of Mayfield unless Wilson took me in."

"Being alone does make depression worse," Nyx admitted. "And it also makes it easier to fall back into bad habits. But you also need time to be alone. You're not afraid of it. It's just completely living alone, a lonely existence that causes you problems. As it should. Man is not an island and should not try to live like one."

"I suppose," House conceded. "I just don't want a whole continent on my back."

"Just take it slowly," Nyx smiled. "Start by being one of the Balearic Islands and go from there."

"Fine," House sighed. "But I want to be Majorca. Wilson can be Formentera."

"And Cuddy?" Nyx ventured.

"Right now she is Greenland," House closed the subject.


	24. New beginnings or not

New beginnings – or not

"So, any New Year's resolutions?" Nyx asked.

"Nothing worth resoluting," House shrugged.

"Are you quite sure?" Nyx pressed. "Even if you won't decide to visit the moon or win Cuddy back or say 'thank you' once a week to your team, surely there is something you might actually be able to do. Like, maybe, deal with your feelings about your Dad."

"Which one?" House flipped.

"You DAD," Nyx repeated. "The one who raised you. You know perfectly well that biology does not Dads make. Not alone."

"Maybe," House grudgingly agreed. "But my Dad is dead. Nothing to deal with there anymore."

"Right," Nyx scorned. "And I so believe that."

"Doesn't matter what you believe," House told her. "It is what it is."

"Except that if I really am a manifestation of your subconscious…" Nyx pointed out.

"Fine!" House nearly yelled at her. "Even so, he is dead. Dead as a doornail."

"But you're not," Nyx reminded him. "You still have active memories of him that still affect the way you look at the world."

"It wasn't all bad," House stated.

"No, absolutely it wasn't," Nyx acknowledged. "Until you grew up a bit and got a brain. And a will of your own. Until you expected him to deserve your respect."

"But parents aren't supposed to need to deserve or earn the respect of their kids," House pointed out with sarcasm. "It's the kids that are supposed to live up to the expectations of the parent. "

"And woe betide if you don't," Nyx sighed. "You were a child! He was the adult! He was the one who was supposed to have experience and understanding."

"Yeah, well, that's a nice theory," House shrugged. "Practise is something else entirely."

"And you have no intention of going any deeper into it than just shrug it off as one of those things," Nyx sighed.

"Nope," House stated. "I have accepted that he was my Dad, the only one I had and he wasn't all that perfect. And that's it."

"Is that maturity talking or denial?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Problem denied is a problem delayed," House laughed. "No, I don't know which. I know maturity sucks, but it also creeps up on you will you nill you. Unless you're a selfish Jerk who doesn't mind quilting friends into giving you a piece of their liver and fooling your old family into sticking by your side when you're ill and then dumping them for fresher meat as soon as you're back on your feet."

"You know," Nyx mused. "I had a look at that 'fresher meet'. I think he was rather selling her short. She is young, but she didn't go until he pushed her. She is a lot more like his first wife than he is counting on."

"But she came back," House declared.

"So did the first wife," Nyx said. "Though they did have a lot more history and a kid, so maybe that is more understandable. However, I'm not really interested in him, especially since we already established that he is not one to learn maturity. It's your maturity I'm interested in."

"I'm not so sure I would recognise maturity even if I saw any," House muttered.

"And I'm sure you have always had more maturity than is really good for you," Nyx insisted. "Mind you, you have always tried to deny it – even to yourself. And you have always tried to hide it, especially from everyone else, but though a 'problem denied IS a problem delayed' you can't delay anything endlessly. Sooner or later it's going to bite you in the butt."

"And right now, my butt is sore," House accepted. "Yeah. But sometimes you just have to let go. And I'm not just talking about Cuddy. My Dad really is dead. There were some good times and I need to remember them as well, but he was what he was and I am what I am partly because of what he was. But no matter what, Mom was right: the war is over. It's just over."

"Is that why you stayed with Nolan?" Nyx asked. "When his Father was dying? Because you hadn't been there for your Dad?"

"No," House shook his head. "Mom was there for Dad and she really was the only one he wanted there. No. I stayed with Nolan because … well, he was a friend by then. I was there for Wilson when he drove back from seeing his brother after all those years. Sometimes you just need to be there for friends."

"And that's maturity," Nyx smiled.

"Or I just owe them," House reminded her.

"Recognising emotional debt is part of maturity," Nyx pointed out. "And the best part of it is that it's reciprocal. Wilson has recently been there for you."

"True, but he might want to change that soon," House smiled ruefully.

"Why?" Nyx asked.

"Well, he's a bit sensitive about his sexual orientation," House's eyes twinkled in a pretty irresistible way.

"Isn't he straight?" Nyx frowned puzzled.

"He has always been, yes," House nodded. "But now everyone in the building thinks we're gay and he isn't quite sure what to do about it."

"And you?" Nyx queried.

"I don't mind," House shrugged. "Besides, the girl next-door is extremely hot!"

"But if she thinks you're gay," Nyx didn't understand. "Doesn't that mean she will write you off as a potential bed-mate?"

"Oh, come on!" House couldn't believe his ears. "You know perfectly well that every straight girl's dream is to turn a gay guy!"

"But won't she be upset with you when she finds out that you're not gay – provided that you succeed in your cunning plan?" Nyx wondered.

"As long as my sexual orientation has never come up in actual talk, I'm safe," House shrugged. "I mean, I'm not responsible for her assumptions if she hasn't asked or I haven't claimed. Being a straight guy, I surely don't think I need to go about proclaiming my orientation. Right?"

"What about Wilson?" Nyx asked. "Won't he tell?"

"He may want to," House agreed. "But it's not really that easy to find a way to declare your heterosexuality and sound convincing instead of being in denial."

"Especially when you are living with another guy," Nyx nodded. "Are you going to help him?"

"Nope," House stated. "Besides, he has his eye on our neighbour, too, so I will just convince him that he has a better chance if he keeps his mouth shut. And then we'll just let the best man win!"

"Or the best 'drama queen'" Nyx laughed. "My money, just so you know, is on you. IF, that is, she really has this dream of turning a gay guy."


	25. Deeper into the Darkness

**Deeper into the darkness**

"So did you overreach or did Wilson just outsmart you?" Nyx asked as her opening salvo when House arrived at the garden again.

"I don't know about outsmarting," House mused. "But he sure did surprise me. I absolutely did not see the ring coming my way."

"You sound pleased?" Nyx observed.

"Well, she is cute," House itemised. "And I really wanted to touch her boobs, but it was good to see Wilson standing up for himself."

"He could have just told her what you were up to," Nyx suggested.

"I'm fairly sure he tried that," House assumed. "But though she probably saw herself as a rather smart cookie, she really wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. There is no way she was going to believe him once she got the idea of us being gay into her head."

"You did point out that you were only two tigers away from an act in Las Vegas," Nyx reminded him.

"Yeah, but as it is 2010 there is no reason to deny being gay unless you really aren't," House shrugged.

"Maybe she thought you two were older than you really are," Nyx was clearly laughing at him.

"Possible," House didn't seem to mind. "But this is still 2010."

"So you're pleased that Wilson foiled you?" Nyx got back to the subject that really interested her.

"Yeah," House nodded. "He tends to be way too serious. It's good for him to cut loose every now and then."

"Someone could see your games as shallow and even mean," Nyx reflected.

"If games was all we ever did, that someone would be right," House agreed. "But 60 per cent of Wilson's patients die and all of mine are on the verge of death when they come to me and I need to yank them back from that… When you have heavy duties you also have heavy pleasures. No, games is not all we are."

"When death is surrounding you," Nyx smiled. "You make your own semi-licensed misrule to feel more alive."

"I'm not so sure about the licensed, even semi-licensed," House admitted. "But when you are responsible for someone's life, it does help to be un-responsible somewhere else."

"That's how it has always been with Man," Nyx reflected. "In such times Man also tends to need more sex."

"Well, we missed on that one," House stated a little ruefully.

"But then, you weren't really that into her, were you?" Nyx observed. "Cause Cuddy is still there."

"Maybe," House shrugged. "But I need to move on. She has made her choice and it wasn't me. Now I need to go on with my life. On the other hand, I rather think that I'm glad that I struck out here. Nora is cute, and I would not have turned away had I been able to score, but it would not have been fair to Wilson. I started the whole thing to mess with him, but I'm glad I didn't manage to mess with him all the way. And I'm especially glad that he didn't let me."

"He's digging deeper into his dark side," Nyx recognised.

"I suspect that he really doesn't need to dig that deep," House smiled. "He is just more honest about it now."

"He doesn't have much choice as he doesn't have a wife to be unfaithful to," Nyx pointed out.

"He could still break faith with friends," House suggested.

"Maybe," Nyx entertained the thought. "But that has never really been him. He may be wrong about who his friends are, he may fool himself into thinking that he has the right to try and help his friends in ways they don't want to be helped, but he has never really been a bad friend."

"Not to me," House nodded. "Doesn't mean he can't be."

"True," Nyx nodded. "But he still has some say in it and he chooses to be a good friend. Even when you go after his girl!"

"It wasn't really serious," House grumbled. "Besides, I didn't get her anyway."

"And that makes it all right?" Nyx sighed.

"Sure," House shrugged. "We both struck out and that's it."

"And he got his poster," Nyx suggested.

"NO!" House cried out. "Unless he keeps it in his room. I don't want to see it ever again."

"It's not a bad poster!" Nyx insisted. "In fact I think it's rather a classic."

"As musical posters go, yeah," House admitted. "But I don't like musicals or their posters!"

"Maybe you should have thought of that before," Nyx laughed. "Especially as you know that Wilson does like them – both the musicals and their posters."

"And he knows what culottes are," House griped. "I'm really having second thoughts about his sexuality. Maybe I'm not safe living with him."

"Don't be silly," Nyx scoffed. "He is your best friend no matter what his sexuality is and just because he is in touch with his so called feminine side does not mean that he is gay. And even if he knows more than you think he should about feminine apparel, do remember he has been married three times."

"I don't think that is an excuse that works with everything," House snorted.

"Like you really cared," Nyx dismissed the matter.

"Well, maybe not," House acknowledged. "He is who he is and what he is but most of all he is my friend."

"So you accept that some things aren't conditional?" Nyx tested.

"Everything is conditional," House still insisted. "But sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to find what the conditions are."

"You accept that Wilson really will be your friend for life," Nyx asked.

"Well, with Vicodin and other meds and booze and so on," House shrugged. "My life isn't going to be that long, so maybe."

"You quit Vicodin," Nyx pointed out. "And you're not going that heavy on the booze now either. And with Wilson you eat better…. you might actually live a lot longer than you're used to thinking."

"I suppose that is a possibility," House nodded. "It will be interesting to see if it's long enough to find out what the conditions for having Wilson for a friend really are. Killing his girlfriend didn't drive him away permanently, so I suspect it really needs to be something spectacular that makes him leave."

"Or something small," Nyx observed. "It wasn't the asking for the liver that put him off that other friend, whatever his name was. It was him re-abandoning his family once things were great and Wilson had given him his second chance with them."

"I'm not sure I agree there," House pondered. "What put him off was realising that the guy was just a selfish jerk."

"Aren't you always saying that you're a jerk, too?" Nyx asked. "And a lot of people call you selfish."

"Sure I'm a jerk," House didn't even try to deny it. "But I'm not selfish. Except when I feel like it."

"And when don't you?" Nyx smiled.

"Not terribly often," House shrugged. "But I do have some standards. Most of the time nobody else will put you first so you have to do it yourself to survive, but some things are more important than survival."

"Like?" Nyx queried.

"Truth," House responded without hesitation.

"But truth is often relative and in the eye of the beholder," Nyx reminded him.

"True," House admitted. "Maybe I should have said a true answer more than an absolute truth. An answer that accounts for all the facts of the case."

"How about outside of medicine?" Nyx wondered.

"I don't think I have a clue," House admitted.


	26. There but for the grace

**There but for the grace**

"So, was it easier?" Nyx wanted to know.

"What exactly?" House asked turning his gaze from the starts to Nyx as he lay on the grass of Death's garden – again.

"Was it easier to give money to a virtual stranger than to apologize to Cuddy?" Nyx clarified.

"I wasn't comparing them," House shrugged. "Besides the money wasn't an apology or anything like that."

"What was it then?" Nyx queried.

"It could have been me," House said. "I have come close to losing my licence many times. Sometimes I have been saved by chance; sometimes saving the patient has been enough to make the case go away and more than once I have been saved by Cuddy."

"**More** than once?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Well, once seriously," House clarified. "But more than once by her diplomacy."

"And yet you can't apologize to her for a wrong you did," Nyx wondered.

"Gratitude and regrets have never sat well with us in our relationship," House admitted. "Not over important things."

"But surely you can apologize for messing a photograph," Nyx assumed. "I mean, it wasn't a major crime or anything, even if the photograph was important to her."

"She doesn't have copies of it nor does she have the negative," House reminded Nyx.

"But she has all the pieces," Nyx responded. "She can have it repaired. There are professionals who repair damaged photographs – and get as many copies of them as she could possibly want, without needing the negatives. I understand that she was upset and angry with you, but it wasn't that big a deal that you need to go on a major guilt trip over it. Just apologize and be done with it."

"I can't," House sighed.

"Why not?" Nyx demanded. "Just walk in say you're sorry and walk out. Simple."

"No it isn't," House denied. "Cause I can't just walk in anymore."

"Oh," was all Nyx could think. "Well, so you weren't making amends with that money you gave to Weberley?"

"No," House shook his head. "I was sort of acknowledging that the story he told me was a possible one. I could actually have screwed him up that bad with one simple stupid action. But it was more a case of… well he needed it and I had it. It wasn't important to me and it bought him some time to try and get his life in order."

"But you didn't do it for remorse?" Nyx asked.

"Well, he did play me well," House nodded. "I felt bad when I felt responsible. But when I finally took the check to him, it wasn't remorse. And it wasn't seeing Cuddy with Lucas. I just … I have been helped and thought that he is as deserving as I have been. And it was just a one-time thing, it's not like he is going to hang onto me for the rest of my life."

"How do you know he won't be back for more?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Because he came clean," House stated. "And because I won't help him again."

"You think he knows it?" Nyx pondered.

"Yes," House decided. "Nobody changes that much and he knew me when."

"Ok," Nyx accepted. "But talking about that 'when', you do realize that you were right about your teacher."

"He gave me an A," House pointed out sceptically. "How does that prove me right?"

"He gave Weberly an A plus," Nyx reminded him. "The reason you chose Weberly as your

'victim' was because he was an expert asskisser. He wasn't stupid, by no means, otherwise the teacher would have noticed the switch, but he treated the teacher as an impeccable authority and just repeated the lessons back. You did your own thinking and didn't think much of the teacher – and he felt it. When you showed in 'your' last paper that you had seen the light and accepted the teacher's authority, he gave you an A. But when Weberly, who had already shown due reverence, wrote a paper showing some original thinking, he got an A plus – because with him the teacher could claim credit for excellent teaching."

"Hmm," House mused on the explanation. "You could be right. But what does that matter now?"

"Nothing, I suppose," Nyx accepted. "But you usually like to be right."

"True," House didn't sound too sure. "Only, for some reason, I've started to suspect I might want to be happy a bit more often."

"When it isn't about your patients, who do need you to be right," Nyx mused. "I see no reason why you couldn't try and be happy rather than right."

"Only, I'm not so sure I know how," House smiled ruefully.

"How to be happy?" Nyx wanted clarification.

"That too," House admitted. "But what I meant was that I don't know how… well, how not to be right. I don't know if I can let go before I know the 'right', or before… I just don't know."

"You have changes a lot since Mayfield," Nyx said.

"Sure," House shrugged. "After all it was a life altering experience. But we all know that a life-altering experience changes everything for just about two months."

"It's been longer than that," Nyx stated.

"And I have already slipped back into some old habits," House pointed out. "And were I not living with Wilson, I would have slipped more."

"But you are still solving puzzles," Nyx asserted.

"But not quite with my earlier edge," House almost mourned. "I get the puzzle, and I want to solve it, but it doesn't quite grip me the way it used to."

"What are you saying?" Nyx was worried.

"Don't sound so worried," House smiled. "The puzzles are still my biggest addiction, but I used to get more of a buzz out of them. And I miss it. Not enough to want to change my current medication, because it does work well when I don't have a puzzle to solve, but I do wish… I don't know, maybe I do wish for happiness."

"Everyone wants to be happy," Nyx nodded. "And everyone deserves some happiness."

"I used to think that happiness was overrated," House shrugged. "I was more interested in keeping the level of misery tolerable."

"Maybe you still are," Nyx pointed out. "It's just that you tolerance has changed."

"Maybe," House agreed. "I suppose I will find out as time goes by."


	27. Subconscious smugness?

**Subconscious smugness?**

"What?" House demanded when Nyx would not say anything though he'd been in the gazebo for a moment already. She was just smiling.

"Nothing," Nyx shrugged.

"'Nothing' makes you look that smug?" House demanded.

"That sentence didn't actually make any sense," Nyx insisted.

"Yes, 'id' did," House grumbled. "Just tell me. "Cause nothing in my subconscious merits that much smugness."

"Well, maybe I'm not a manifestation of your subconscious then," Nyx widened her eyes innocently.

"Maybe you're a manifestation of Wilson, IN my subconscious," House suggested. "He sure has been smug enough lately. Though why, I can't imagine since I refused to have revenge on Lucas."

"Why was that?" Nyx stopped smiling and looked at his with question in her eyes. "I mean, your niceness does not extend that far, surely?"

"There is no point," House shrugged. "He is losing the war, why should I try and kick him when he is already on his way down."

"War?" Nyx frowned.

"Well, not the war exactly," House admitted. "Just Cuddy."

"He is living with her," Nyx itemised. "He walks in and out of the hospital like this was his home, he feels confident enough to assault you in HER cafeteria, he is good with her kid and she trusts him with her. How is he losing her?"

"She is slowly coming to the realization that he is the wrong man for her," House sighed. "She needs someone who is totally different from me, or then she needs me."

"You think she will turn to you once Lucas is history?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House said immediately. "She is not choosing between me and Lucas. She is looking for someone she thinks is what she needs. She chose Lucas because he is good with Rachel and because his job allows him to be there for her. Or so it seemed at the time. Also she assumed that he is more, I don't know, mature I suppose than me."

"Lucas is not mature," Nyx scoffed. "He is a boy. His pranks were totally juvenile."

"Which is why I brought them to Cuddy's notice," House stated. "I'm sure his motives were acceptable as far as Cuddy is concerned. He wanted to avenge her. Chivalrous, sure, but Cuddy doesn't need anyone to avenge her. She can do her own avenging when she wants to and the way Lucas chose is not something she would accept."

"It wasn't that different from what she had done to you before," Nyx pointed out.

"And she got it out of her system and felt bad about it," House replied. "She isn't the kind of woman who goes back to something like that once she has got it out of her system. And especially she doesn't like someone else doing it FOR her without her knowledge."

"So will she be upset?" Nyx asked.

"She will feel somewhat flattered," House pondered. "And she will forgive him, but it will stay with her. The pranks show that Lucas is exactly as immature as Cuddy thinks I am and it's yet another small nail in Lucas' coffin."

"So you are not being nice to him, too, by not retaliating," Nyx concluded. "You just think kicking a guy when he is down is not done."

"Of course it's done," House scorned. "But in this case it would be pointless and minimise my chances with Cuddy. If I have any once Lucas is gone."

"You're not counting on it?" Nyx assumed.

"I'm counting on trying," House said. "But I can't force her to do or feel something she doesn't want to do or can't feel. But I will try. I want my life to be different."

"You want family?" Nyx ventured.

"Maybe," House shrugged. "Sort of. I'm not thinking of kids and picket fences. Nothing like that. But I need … Nolan says I need people that are important to me. Maybe it will only be a family of friends, but whatever it is I can't get it without trying and maybe risking getting hurt. Cause hurt is gonna happen anyway."

"That is why you helped that boy?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I'm not so sure I helped him," House sighed. "He's not going to do any running after or with his kid."

"But he is going to be there for him," Nyx pointed out. "He is going to be there all the time and he is going to watch his kid grow up. He isn't going to go to a war for who knows how long and come back a changed man expecting you to be the same as you were when he left."

"Me?" House questioned.

"His kid," Nyx dismissed. "You know what I mean."

"Maybe," House admitted. "I sure hope it all goes as he wanted and expected because he paid a big price. There will always be pain from his foot and that can change a man, too. Not just war."

"He knows why he did it and it was his choice," Nyx reminded him. "That does matter a lot with the way one copes with things."

"Yeah," House agreed. "It does."

"Not that free choice mattered to you when you forced Foreman to reunite with his brother," Nyx smiled.

"I didn't force him to reunite," House denied. "I just forced him to face his brother. Where that led was totally up to them."

"Totally," Nyx didn't sound convinced. "Nothing to do with the master of puppets and manipulator extraordinaire."

"So I had a very good idea how they would react given the circumstances I created," House shrugged. "That isn't forcing. It's just giving a man a chance. Marcus really means to make it this time."

"Hasn't he every time?" Nyx suggested.

"Yes and no," House assessed. "He wanted to, but he was too angry, too sure that he could work things out on his own and he still felt too much like it was everybody else's fault. In a way. This time he has lost the anger and he is willing to accept help. But whatever help he gets from the system and professionals, family and friends are what he needs most. And that means Foreman as most of Marcus' friends are criminals and he can't hang out with them anyway."

"How do you know that he has lost his anger?" Nyx asked.

"I can see it in his eyes," House stated. "There is a different kind of fire or determination in them now. I've seen it before."

"Where?" Nyx wanted to know. "Your work doesn't really put you in contact with reformed villains that much."

"No, not my work," House agreed.

"Where then?" Nyx demanded.

"In my mirror," House said simply. "I see the same determination in Marcus' eyes as I now see in my mirror. I can't do this alone and neither can he. I have Wilson, he needs his brother. And Foreman is up to it once he makes up his mind to do it."

"You think they'll be ok?" Nyx asked.

"I don't know," House answered. "Anymore than I know about myself. It's a day at a time thing, you know."

"Yeah," Nyx nodded. "I know."


	28. Are you sure?

**Are you sure****?**

"So does it feel good to win against a giant insurance company?" Cuddy opened her eyes to stare at the stranger who was asking her that question.

"What… where?" She looked around and realised she must be dreaming. She was in her bedroom and in her bed but everything had a sort of surreal feeling. Especially as she didn't feel even the tiniest bit afraid though there was a strange man in her room. Of course, it was highly unlikely that an intruder could have gotten this far and not woken up either Rachel or Lucas. "Who are you? I can't remember having seen you ever before anywhere."

"I'm Hypnos," the man replied.

"Hypnos?" Cuddy frowned. "Hang on, wasn't Hypnos the Greek god of sleep?"

"Appropriate, don't you think?" Hypnos shrugged. "You know, you're dreaming of Sleep in your sleep. Could have something to do with the lack of sleep you've been having lately. Of course, now that you got your contract you have a bit more time to even sleep, but still. Appropriate."

"Dreams are possibly the way subconscious deals with all the problems and stresses of the day," Cuddy mused.

"Yeah, I've heard something like that," Hypnos didn't sound very convinced. "As has my Mother."

"Your Mother?" Cuddy felt totally confused.

"Yes, I do have one," Hypnos sounded slightly annoyed. "Nyx, in fact."

"The goddess of night?" Cuddy clarified.

"Actually she is The Night, not so much the goddess of it," Hypnos explained. "But she's ok with any definition, really."

"That's nice," Cuddy didn't know what else to say.

"So does it feel good to win?" Hypnos got back to his original question.

"Yes," Cuddy couldn't have kept the smile away from her face had she wanted to. And she didn't want to.

"It should," Hypnos agreed. "You did an awesome job and Eli was wrong. You really did have the cards and you knew how to play them."

"Thank you," Cuddy accepted.

"So, you're dedicated to your work," Hypnos itemised. "And to your baby-girl, you are smart and beautiful. So why do you keep him around?"

"He's a great doctor!" Cuddy was immediately on the defensive. "He, in fact, was my Ace! I would not have got the 12 per cent had it not been for House. Sure he is unique, in a bad way too, but he is a brilliant doctor and without him I wouldn't have Wilson either. Nor a number of other good doctors we have."

"Interesting," Hypnos smiled.

"I am not in love with House," Cuddy asserted. "I. Am. Not. But that does not mean that I can't defend him as a doctor. He is brilliant!"

"I know," Hypnos backed off a little before Cuddy attacked him physically – if it was possible to attack Sleep in your dreams. "But it wasn't your defence of House that I found interesting."

"What then?" Cuddy demanded.

"That House is still the 'him' to you," Hypnos laughed. "Cause I was actually talking about your boyfriend there."

"Lucas?" Cuddy blinked in confusion.

"Yeah, Lucas," Hypnos repeated for her. "The guy you claim you love and who – therefore – ought to be the first 'him' you think about. In fact, you ought to think about him a lot more than you do, if you love him."

"Of course I love him," Cuddy huffed. "But I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't sit dreamy-eyed at my desk doodling his name on my papers. I have a demanding job and it gets hectic even on the best of days. I have better things to do than get all hormonal and ditzy."

"You used to dream about House at work," Hypnos pointed out.

"Never," Cuddy denied adamantly.

"Never?" Hypnos tested.

"Almost never," Cuddy finally admitted. "But mostly just because I see, I mean I saw him at work every day, so on occasion, when I was feeling lonely – which I no longer do, as I have Lucas – but sometimes, before I had anyone, I did on occasion, very briefly dream about House. Or not House really, just someone who was a little like him but a lot like I wished he could be. But that is totally over."

"Of course it is," Hypnos replied patronizingly.

"It was never serious anyway," Cuddy shrugged defiantly. "Just, well, moments of insanity. He's way too immature anyway for anything serious."

"House?" Hypnos raised an eyebrow.

"Who else?" Cuddy demanded.

"Well, Lucas for one," Hypnos stated. "I know you don't care for my opinion, but I don't see Lucas as the mature option. Nor the respectful one."

"You think House is respectful?" Cuddy was astonished. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"Not in the traditional sense," Hypnos admitted. "But he does respect you to take care of your own messes – and many of his as well. Unlike Lucas, who tries to 'protect' you but only ends up making you more frustrated."

"And House doesn't?" Cuddy stared at him.

"Oh, House causes frustration, too, absolutely," Hypnos agreed. "But it's of different kind. And he would never think of standing between you and your kid."

"Lucas is good with Rachel," Cuddy insisted. "I trust him totally."

"I wasn't talking about that," Hypnos pointed out. "I was talking about him deliberately making it impossible for you to reach your kid when she was sick. You had quite enough on your plate without being kept in the dark about how Rachel was doing."

"He meant well," Cuddy muttered.

"Maybe," Hypnos shrugged. "But that doesn't change the fact that the only person he was helping was the Nanny, not you. And House would have known that were he in Lucas' shoes."

"So maybe he knows me better," Cuddy dismissed. "He has known me for 20 years."

"He met you 20 years ago," Hypnos corrected. "And he knew you before he even looked at you. And you didn't see him for a long time but he still knows you. Better than Lucas ever will."

"What are you trying to say," Cuddy demanded.

"That Lucas is your easy option," Hypnos asserted. "He is there for you pretty much when you want to and when you don't want him there you can forget about him. He doesn't challenge you, he doesn't occupy your thoughts, he can be drafted to do baby-sitting when you need emergency help, and he is young enough to give you sex when you want it. He is just easy."

"Not in a negative way," Cuddy insisted. "There is nothing wrong with having an uncomplicated relationship."

"Is it uncomplicated?" Hypnos asked. "Or is it just Lucas who seems to be uncomplicated?"

"What difference does it make?" Cuddy challenged.

"I'm sure it wouldn't make any difference," Hypnos shrugged nonchalantly. "Unless you had a very complicated shadow at your heels."

"I have no idea of what you're talking about," Cuddy replied tightly.

"Really?" Hypnos queried. "So you're not at all sorry that you never gave House a chance?"

"He had plenty of chances," Cuddy growled. "He just wasn't interested."

"Or he didn't feel he could give you what you wanted," Hypnos pointed out. "After all, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you deserve more than a crippled drug addict."

"He isn't a drug addict now," Cuddy stated.

"True," Hypnos agreed. "But then, nor are you giving him a chance. Now."

"Was I supposed to wait for him?" Cuddy asked.

"Oh no," Hypnos said. "After all, he didn't wait for you either."

"What do you mean?" Cuddy was suddenly alert.

"Oh, nothing," Hypnos backed up. "I mean, I'm just your dream. What do I know. Just speculating. Surely he was just concentrating on getting better, not thinking of who to hook up with once he's out."

"Ok," Cuddy wasn't sure she was satisfied but there wasn't any point on demanding a better explanation. As Hypnos said, this was just a dream. "But all that is just academic. I'm with Lucas and House is ok with it. He is just jerking me around the way he does."

"Of course," Hypnos didn't sound too convinced. "As long as you're happy with Lucas."

"I am happy with Lucas," Cuddy stated firmly.

"For now," Hypnos muttered and quite infuriatingly he disappeared and left Cuddy fuming.

"For now my ass!" She muttered and buried herself under the duvet. "I love Lucas and I'm happy with him. I am. Really. And some stupid dream isn't going to make me doubt myself. No way. Not likely. It just isn't….."


	29. What if?

**What if?**

"Was that nice?" Nyx asked almost accusingly as she sat down to lean against a tree trunk next to House, who also found himself down on the ground with a tree to his back.

House looked around and noticed the clearing looked a lot like the one where Wilson had had his "stag party" – if you could call it that. He decided not to pretend that he didn't understand the question. "Nope, but then it wasn't meant to be."

"Then why did you do it?" Nyx demanded. "Why humiliate him like that? It wasn't even him! Well, not for the 'important' parts."

"Maybe I was jealous of the mad skills he learned from the wood nymphs," House shrugged.

"If that was all, wouldn't it have been better to ask me first?" Nyx huffed.

"And what would you have done?" House was puzzled.

"I could have gotten you some nymphs of your own," Nyx replied. "There was no need for jealousy."

"You would have pimped your own daughters?" House wondered.

"I'm an Ancient Goddess!" Nyx pointed out. "This wouldn't have been the first time. Just ask Aphrodite."

"I would love to!" House was more than willing.

"Well, you're not going to," Nyx squashed all hope. "But seriously, why did you it?"

"Wilson takes himself and especially his mistakes too seriously," House sighed. "The tape was out there; someone would have seen it and made something of it. Better just flaunt it."

"So you were doing him a favour?" Nyx checked.

"Kinda," House shrugged.

"He doesn't see it that way," Nyx asserted.

"Well, he got some of his own back," House stated.

"Finding out that your sire is a Unitarian minister," Nyx said. "Is not what I would call 'getting his own back'. Especially as he kept your secret."

"Had it been just my secret he wouldn't have," House was sure. "But he likes my Mom."

"I don't believe that," Nyx responded quietly. "The porn was out there – personal and embarrassing, but as you said, anyone could have stumbled on it and it was just waiting to explode. To expect you to keep quiet about it would have been pointless. It wasn't really a secret. The man who fathered you, however, is a secret. Not necessarily an embarrassing one, as nobody can choose their parentage. It's just one of those things. But it is deeply personal. He would have – he will keep your secret no matter what. He is your best friend, after all."

"He is my only friend," House pointed out. "But he is a good friend."

"He may be the only friend you accept," Nyx sighed. "But he is not your only friend. There are others. It's up to you to accept them."

"They have lives of their own," House muttered.

"I wasn't talking about Cuddy alone," Nyx stated. "There's also your team."

"Yeah," House scorned. "Foreman especially is totally enamoured with me."

"Ok, maybe Foreman has some issues," Nyx smiled. "But there is Chase and Taub."

"Not Thirteen?" House demanded. "I mean, she could bring a friend and…"

"She has her own issues about accepting friends," Nyx dismissed. "So, down boy!"

"Awww," House pouted. "Don't be a kill joy."

"You're really not that into her," Nyx shrugged. "Firstly she is too young for you…"

"No she isn't!" House insisted. "She is more than half my age. Just."

"As I said, she is too young for you," Nyx repeated. "And then she is in your team, which automatically puts her out or your bounds. For a guy who wants everyone to think you have no morals or ethics, you moral code is pretty strict."

"She just doesn't have any boobs," House tried to dismiss Nyx' analysis.

"Of course, that would be a problem for you," Nyx pretended to agree.

"Don't be so bloody patronizing!" House huffed. "It doesn't suit my subconscious. Not when aimed at me."

"But when aimed at someone else," Nyx raised a questioning eyebrow. "It's just fine?"

"Sure," House affirmed. "Most people are idiots."

"Yeah, you made your opinion rather clear at the speed dating event," Nyx agreed.

"What can I say?" House shrugged in turn. "They were idiots. But then the whole event was idiotic."

"Depends what they were looking for," Nyx reminded him. "You wanted to get laid. Who is to say most of them didn't want the same?"

"I doubt the gal who was 'on fire for the lord' was looking for meaningless sex," House pointed out.

"Possibly not," Nyx admitted. "But the lying cop probably was. Why else would she have given you her number?"

"Masochistic tendencies?" House ventured.

"But you don't have enough of those to call her?" Nyx asked.

"The ideal partner for a masochist is a sadist," House mused. "And I get those tendencies out of my system at work. So no, I'm not calling her."

"Wilson is right, you know," Nyx sighed.

"About what?" House demanded.

"You have mentally moved on from Cuddy," Nyx explained. "But you need to move on physically too. You need to try and connect with other people!"

"I did," House muttered.

"Mayfield was not your natural habitat," Nyx stated. "Everything there was heightened, more intense and even a little unreal. Though your connection with Lydia was real enough, it was still time out of reality. More for her than you, but even you know – now – that it had very slim chances of surviving normal life. Even had she been unmarried and childless, it would have been unlikely that your relationship would have survived life outside Mayfield. It was an important connection but you can't let that deter you from finding someone else. Anymore than you can let losing Cuddy do that."

"I'm not an easy person to have a relationship with," House reminded Nyx. "As Wilson pointed out, even he doesn't understand me half the time and with us there is no sexual tension or such feelings getting in the way."

"You don't need to always understand those you love," Nyx asserted. "You just need to accept them as they are."

"But what if you don't accept yourself as you are with them?" House wanted to know.

"That could be a bit of a problem" Nyx admitted. "That could be a problem."


	30. Next step?

**Next step****?**

"So what does that say about him?" Nyx asked.

House looked up from the keyboard and frowned as he saw Nyx sitting on the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh come on!" Nyx huffed. "You think there are limitations to where I can be? Especially in your dreams?"

"Yeah, I suppose," House shrugged. "I just wasn't expecting this. Don't really know why."

"Back to the question," Nyx wasn't going to be distracted. "What does the organ say about Wilson?"

"That the selfish jerk he gave his liver to isn't the only one who can get organs from him," House shrugged.

"Nope," Nyx refused to accept that answer. "Sure, that was the pun he intended, but that isn't what the instrument really says."

"Given the reference to the Phantom of the Opera," House mused – seemingly nonchalantly, "He was also calling me a manipulative bastard to my face while doing what I told him to do but doing it his own way. Good for him."

"Still not buying," Nyx said.

"What do you want me to say!" House huffed. "He couldn't find a single piece he liked so he figured out a way to shut me up."

"He liked that Chorus Line poster you got when you were screwing with the mind of 3B," Nyx pointed out. "You made him give it away."

"I had to," House stated. "Had I let him keep it he would never had had sex ever again. That is unless… well you know."

"It would have cramped your style, too," Nyx reminded him. "At least for as long as you live with him."

"Not nearly as much," House shrugged. "First of all, I would have no problem letting the ladies think I'm gay as long as I get what I want in the end, and if I started to strike out, there are always hookers. Wilson is more finicky."

"Almost anybody is more finicky than you," Nyx sighed. "Within limits. And you still haven't said what you think the organ says about Wilson."

"Sure I have," House maintained. "Or at least as much as I'm willing to say. Besides, aren't you supposed to know anyway?"

"Maybe," Nyx acknowledged. "But it's better if you admit it aloud. Sort of."

"Why is it better if you say out loud what your subconscious tells you?" House demanded.

"Didn't you just have a patient whose subconscious you wanted to talk to?" Nyx pointed out.

"Yeah, but had I listened just to the subconscious I would have got it wrong," House insisted.

"How so?" Nyx asked.

"Her thinking of her Dad, the black hole," House listed. "All that has pretty much only one conclusion if taken alone. She was molested by her Dad as a child. Only she didn't exhibit any other symptoms of childhood molestation. At least not as far back as eight years old which was when her Dad died."

"So why **was** she thinking of her Dad?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Because during the break-up, she was looking for a father figure," House pondered. "And the closest thing she could find was her boyfriend's – or ex-boyfriend's as the case was at the time – father. She went to him looking for fatherly comfort and got a whole lot more than she bargained for. It was a similar case of abuse of trust as if he really had been her father, but it wasn't her father."

"You said he didn't need to explain himself as she was technically legal," Nyx reminded him.

"There are a lot of things that are technically legal," House asserted, "That will still create a lot of trouble for you if you do them. There is no explanation that will suffice for his son or her mother so he might as well not bother trying. He was an idiot and being drunk at the time really isn't any kind of an excuse. There are some rules you ought to follow no matter how drunk you are and one of them is that you don't go where your son has gone before you. It just isn't kosher."

"Strange to see you that moral," Nyx smiled like she was enjoying a private joke.

"Easy enough for me," House shrugged. "I don't have sons."

"That you know of," Nyx added.

"True," House accepted. "But as I have never been one to have unprotected sex nor have I ever done any donations to a sperm bank, I think I'm fairly safe."

"Is 'fairly' enough for you?" Nyx was curious.

"I think so," House assumed. "If I'm wrong and I do have an offspring somewhere it must have happened in my wild, wild youth and that means the kid is at least a teenager so there is really no point to worry about it. Nobody can expect me to be a parent now."

"But if you had hooked up with Cuddy," Nyx reminded him, "You would have needed to take on some kind of parental role."

"With Rachel?" House nodded. "True. But even so Cuddy would have been the real parent. My part would have been supportive at best. I could have handled that. She is capable enough to take the lead there."

"You would have been ok with that?" Nyx queried.

"Rachel makes Cuddy happy," House stated. "I couldn't interfere with that. And a baby is not something you can just return when your life changes. She has taken on the responsibility for Rachel and nothing and nobody can and should interfere with that."

"So you approve her choice?" Nyx was somewhat surprised.

"She is a good mother," House asserted. "And she deserves to be a mother. I could not mess with that. It really isn't a question of approving or not. It is what she wants, what she can do and what makes her happy."

"And Lucas?" Nyx ventured.

"Let's not talk about him," House suggested.

"Ok," Nyx relented. "It's not like he's really that interesting."

"Now you're just humouring me," House suspected.

"That is a possibility," Nyx agreed. "Or then he really could be just that boring."

"Cuddy wouldn't be with him if he was really boring," House hinted.

"Unless he wasn't boring in bed," Nyx contended.

"Ok," House put up his hands. "Let's just not go there. I don't want to go blind!"

"Fine," Nyx accepted. "But you do need to find a way to get on with your life without obsessing about Cuddy."

"You think I haven't?" House asked.

"Actually I think you have," Nyx said. "I'm just afraid that you are letting the loss hinder you reaching out to other people. Even in friendship."

"I live with Wilson," House pointed out. "Isn't that 'reaching'?"

"Wilson is there even when you don't reach," Nyx reminded him. "You need more people. As you said when he was going under the knife, if he dies you'll be alone."

"He didn't die," House shrugged.

"But you still need more people in your life," Nyx insisted. "Take baby steps. Be nice to a patient and see how that goes."

"You think I need to make friends with patients?" House nearly laughed.

"No," Nyx denied. "But you could practise niceness on them. If you get it wrong, it doesn't matter much since you won't necessarily see them again. If you get it right, it will be that much easier to be nice the next time and maybe you will eventually be nice to people close to you. Like your team for one."

"If I was ever nice to my team," House smiled. "They'd probably die of shock. At least Foreman would."

"They may be tougher than you think," Nyx smiled back. "You should try."

"I'll think about it," House conceded. "But I'm not making any promises."

"Fair enough," Nyx accepted.


	31. What was unlocked?

**What was unlocked?**

"That wasn't a baby step," Nyx opened the conversation as House opened his eyes and found her reclining at the foot of his bed.

"Sure it was," House shrugged, sitting up to lean against the bed head. "Just a couple of hours of my time."

"Sometimes that is a lifetime," Nyx pointed out. "It was his."

"But not mine," House insisted. "It didn't take anything from me."

"No," Nyx nodded wisely. "But it did give you something."

"Like what?" House challenged.

"You tell me," Nyx responded. "You were the one who stayed even when you could have left. Even when he was already out of it."

"Maybe I owed him," House sighed.

"No you didn't," Nyx stated. "You can't save everyone. Nobody can. You have made peace with that a long time ago. Sure, you don't usually come face to face with the ones you turn down, but you said you were sorry. And you gave him what he needed now. You didn't owe him more nor do you have any regrets. That is not why you stayed."

"So what's your theory, then?" House asked.

"You made a commitment," Nyx said simply. "And you saw it through."

"It didn't take much of my time," House repeated.

"True," Nyx agreed. "But then, you're not cautious about your time. It was something else you invested here."

"Investment usually means that you expect to get something as a result of it," House mused.

"You didn't?" Nyx probed.

"Maybe," House wasn't going to elaborate.

"So, when his daughter comes to see you," Nyx decided to change the subject somewhat. "What will you tell her?"

"Why would his daughter come and see me?" House frowned.

"You were there at the end," Nyx observed.

"Yeah, but she doesn't know that," House assumed.

"The security guard does know," Nyx maintained.

"Who will ask him?" House pointed out. "Or believe him."

"She might," Nyx asserted. "She will want to talk to the last person who saw her Dad. So what will you say."

"In the unlikely event that she will show up at my doorstep – or in my office? That sometimes we make choices we regret," House pondered. "And there are consequences we don't anticipate and then we don't know how to undo the damage. That sometimes there is no way to undo the damage. And sometimes when we finally figure out what we want it's too late. He always remembered her but didn't know how to reach for her. And none of it was her fault in any way."

"Will she believe you?" Nyx asked.

"Why not," House said. "It's true."

"Truth isn't always enough for people," Nyx shrugged.

"If she wants more she needs to go somewhere else," House dismissed.

"Actually, I think she'll be fine with the truth," Nyx admitted. "But she may have a hard time believing in a love that was never expressed."

"But it was," House reminded her. "Sure, it was rather late in the game, but dying does focus the mind and reveal what is important. And she was his last thought."

"She will have a lot of regrets," Nyx sighed.

"She shouldn't have," House stated. "She was a kid; her parents made their own decisions and her father was the one who let time go without trying to mend the fences. He had enough regrets for both of them."

"She will want to know what he was like," Nyx suggested.

"I can't help her there," House said. "She has to go somewhere else for those answers."

"Really?" Nyx didn't seem to agree.

"You think I ought to tell her that he was lonely and miserable?" House asked. "Cause that's all I know about him."

"And that he was smart, and lived for his work which did give him a lot of satisfaction until he suddenly faced death," Nyx imparted.

"Well, some of that 'satisfaction' he got from work ruined his marriage," House muttered.

"I think she already knows that," Nyx admonished him. "No need to remind her of that."

"She could see it as his way of trying to escape his responsibilities as a father," House pointed out. "He did marry her mother only because of the pregnancy."

"You think that was why he did it?" Nyx asked.

"No," House shook his head. "He tried to escape the wife. His mistake was that he didn't think it through. So he lost everything."

"And therefore he would have died lonely and miserable had it not been for you," Nyx nodded.

"He still died lonely and miserable," House reminded her. "I just made it slightly more bearable by knocking him out."

"And by being there," Nyx stated.

"Don't think that made much of a difference," House shrugged.

"Except that had it not been for you, he would not have left that message for his daughter," Nyx inserted. "She would have lost him without ever knowing that he really did think of her."

"I don't know what good that knowledge will do her," House doubted. "She might have been better off never having got that message."

"You know she wouldn't have," Nyx insisted. "She needed to know that though he wasn't much of a father to her it wasn't because he didn't love her. Because she now knows that she can gain some kind of closure and know that she was loved – however imperfectly."

"Yeah, that makes all the difference," House's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Maybe not all," Nyx mused. "But a lot. Believing that your parent was unable to love you does rather undermine your ability to believe that anyone else could love you either. To know that that was not the case, gives you a chance to heal and start believing in yourself. It gives hope."

"Hope is for sissies," House muttered.

"Then I suppose we're all sissies," Nyx smiled. "Because I know you hope, too."

"Yeah, I'm all for happily ever after," House's sarcasm hadn't abated.

"You told him that Lydia had shown you that you want to connect," Nyx said seriously. "That you no longer believe you are happy alone, that you don't want to be miserable. You want to find someone who can share your life in some way."

"And then I got kicked in the teeth, and realised, that I really am better off alone," House stated. "More or less, at least."

"Do you resent Cuddy for not waiting for you?" Nyx frowned.

"No," House shook his head. "She had every right to go on with her life. I just wish she had told me. She didn't need to try and spare my feelings. I'm not – and I wasn't that fragile. She risked giving me false hope and that would have been worse."

"You don't think she did give you false hope?" Nyx queried.

"I found out about Lucas before that happened," House dismissed. "No problem, really."

"But you don't think there is anyone else for you?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Highly unlikely," House reflected. "It would have been difficult enough even with her. I'm not an easy person to get along with."

"You connected well enough with Lydia," Nyx said.

"I was vulnerable," House rejected that example. "And it didn't last anyway."

"The situation was impossible," Nyx admitted. "But it still showed that you can connect. You just need to take the chance and allow yourself to be vulnerable outside an asylum as well. It didn't kill you there it won't kill you outside either."

"I'll think about it," House muttered.

"You always say that," Nyx frowned. "You can't rely entirely on Wilson for human connection! He has his own life to live, too."

"So you've noticed that he has been a bit restless lately?" House observed.

"He is up to something that he knows you won't like," Nyx warned him.

"As long as he doesn't get back together with Bonnie, I'm ok," House stated.

"No matter who it is," Nyx informed him. "It will still mean that the living arrangements you have will have to change. He will want his flat to himself and his lady – whoever that may be."

"Yeah," House agreed. "Having me around would definitely cramp his style. I'll deal with that when it comes to that. Surely he will take his time."

"Like you did with Stacy?" Nyx asked.

"Wilson is not me," House rolled his eyes. "He is more cautious. Unless, of course, the lady in question is in a bad place and needs rescuing. But surely Amber cured him from that so I'm not really worried."

"I hope you are right," Nyx didn't sound completely convinced.

"We'll see," House shrugged. "We'll just have to wait and see."


	32. Heart of a Knight

**Heart of a Knight **

"So it wasn't his second wife," Nyx smiled ruefully as House found her sitting on his bed once again. "But the first one."

"Yeah," House folded his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. "And I have changed my mind."

"What?" Nyx frowned. "You're ok with Sam?"

"Nope," House glanced at Nyx. "About Bonnie. I think that she would have been ok – by comparison, at least. But I really can't do anything but wait. Cuddy is right; if I push I may not like the results."

"You don't think then, that Wilson is heading for anything but heartbreak with Sam?" Nyx assumed.

"Highly unlikely," House stated. "Sam may have had therapy and all that, but she got back with Wilson because she wants what they had when they first married. She doesn't think that Wilson has changed and she wants what he offered then and she thinks she is now ready for that and won't screw it up. But she still wants things her way. And Wilson has changed. More than she understands."

"I thought you didn't believe that people can change?" Nyx observed.

"Their basic personality won't," House explained as he adjusted his position to lean against the bed head. "But people are still capable of learning. Of growing up. You can't change your basic character, but you can change some of your behaviours or you can wise up. And sometimes you don't need to change, you just need different friends."

"As in Wilson now has you to watch his back?" Nyx suggested.

"Or at least I'm here ready to pick up the pieces," House shrugged. "Once again."

"You're not his parent, you know," Nyx reminded him.

"Neither is he mine," House reminded her back. "But sometimes, in a 'screwed up friendship' you take turns. As needed."

"You think you owe him?" Nyx asked. "For having been here for you now?"

"And before," House nodded. "Only it's not a question of owing anything. This is just how it works with us."

"Like family," Nyx smiled. "Only not like the families either one of you had in real life. You have both pretty much needed to fend for yourselves, until you found each other."

"Yeah," House was showing signs of impatience at the 'feely stuff'. "If only we were gay, all our problems would be solved."

"If you were gay," Nyx laughed. "You'd have killed each other by now. Nobody would put up with the crap you dish each other from a lover!"

"Possibly not," House conceded. "He has had hard enough time with me as a friend."

"And you haven't?" Nyx exclaimed. "All his attempts to 'improve' you; to make sure 'your wings' won't melt! He has never even apologized to you!"

"Neither have I apologized to him," House pointed out.

"Actually you have," Nyx stated.

"Not so that he would know," House muttered.

"Or believe," Nyx sighed. "Aren't you tired of his dis-belief?"

"He's my friend," House said calmly. "Regardless of his believes he is here. Sure his 'helping' can be a bit annoying…"

"As well as physically painful on more than one occasion," Nyx inserted.

"Just occasionally," House dismissed. "But he means well. And I interfere in his life as much."

"At least you know what you're doing," Nyx insisted.

"But I don't get the results I want," House stated. "So that's no different."

"Except that if you did get the results you wanted, he'd be better off," Nyx maintained.

"We have no way of knowing that," House sighed. "How good would the 'road not taken' be is impossible to tell. He might be much better off all in all had he never met me."

"Or he could have gone totally off the rails," Nyx added.

"A possibility," House admitted. "But we have no way of knowing. Just like we have no way of knowing what would have happened had I read the file and used – whatever there was in it – to get rid of Sam."

"So you think they might have a chance?" Nyx asked. "That maybe they have changed, grown enough to have a real relationship now?"

"When Hell freezes over," House scoffed.

"You don't believe in Hell," Nyx reminded him.

"I don't?" House asked sadly.

"Sorry," Nyx backed up a little. "I meant not the 'souls tormented in burning lake for all eternity' kind of Hell."

"Well, no, not that kind," House agreed.

"Just the…" Nyx paused – either to look for words or in hesitation – but whichever it was, she went on: "_Sight hateful, sight tormenting! Thus these two, Imparadised in one another's arms, The happier Eden, shall enjoy their fill Of bliss on bliss; while I to Hell am thrust, Where neither joy nor love, but fierce desire, Among our other torments not the least, Still unfulfilled, with pain of longing pines!"_

"No need to get melodramatic," House scorned. "Besides, I would think '_and from the bottom stir The Hell within him; for within him Hell He brings, and round about him, nor from Hell One step, no more than from himself, can fly By change of place_' would be the more appropriate quote. If you insist on comparing me to the Devil himself."

"Maybe," Nyx accepted. "But I'm not really comparing you to the Devil – himself or any of his lesser minions…"

"I do have the limp," House reminded her.

"Or any of his lesser minions," Nyx frowned repressively at him. "Just saying that Hell on earth for most is having only seen Heaven."

"Once upon a dream – or a hallucination, or whatever you want to call it," House considered. "But usually it's a case of you believing you've seen Heaven. Most often it turns out to have been a mirage. It never was what you thought you saw."

"Are you talking about Cuddy?" Nyx asked.

"No," House shook his head. "With Cuddy you pretty much get what you see. Of course, in a way I was talking about her. I don't think Lucas is even what she thinks she wants, let alone what she actually wants."

"You said once already that you think you would have been a better choice," Nyx remembered. "Not that you would have been right either, just less wrong."

"But my opinion doesn't really matter," House pointed out. "She is the one who lives her life and makes her choices. And much as I'd like to tell her what she can and cannot do, I can't really go to her and tell her that she is too stupid to know her own mind. Because she isn't."

"But you think she is wrong about Lucas?" Nyx queried.

"Yes," House nodded. "Just because you're basically smart enough to know your own needs and desires, doesn't mean you aren't as capable of lying to yourself as the next person."

"So you respect her choice and her right to choose," Nyx said. "But you think she is fooling herself and even then you're not willing to give her all the choices."

"I did," House asserted.

"You call what you did 'presenting her with a choice'?" Nyx laughed out loud. "You were bullying her! You didn't even tell her that you love her. You told LUCAS! How is that giving her a choice?"

"She knows how I feel about her," House insisted.

"How!" Nyx yelled. "Sure she knows that you care – in your screwed up way – same as you care about Wilson. But that is not what she wants. You didn't present yourself as a possible partner. She has a child now. Sure, that does not mean she needs a man, a father-figure for her child, in her life. She is more than capable of raising Rachel alone. But she isn't a college girl either. She needs more than just fun. She needs what you need: a soft place, someone she can turn to when everything is just too much."

"I look out for her," House muttered.

"Not so that she knows you do," Nyx snapped. "You have made an art form out of checking on her so that she thinks you're actually harassing her. Sure there is sexual tension, of course there is, just as there is friendship, but you have never given her reason to believe that you are willing to take a risk with her and try to have a relationship. A mature relationship where people can actually get hurt."

"Is it so surprising that I don't really want to hurt her?" House asked. "And is it so wrong?"

"She doesn't think you're protecting her," Nyx sighed. "She believes you are afraid risking being hurt yourself. Of course that's understandable. You have had enough pain in your life – of all kind. But you can't expect her to put her heart on line for you, if you don't even give her any indication that you're going to be there to take it."

"She's with Lucas now," House said. "It's rather pointless to dwell on what I did wrong. It's all water under the bridge. If she dumps Lucas, then maybe."

"But until then you're going to 'forever hold your peace'," Nyx didn't sound very happy. "Sometimes it's really difficult to tell if you're stupidly noble or just stupid!"

"Is there a difference?" House smiled ruefully.

"Doesn't seem to be," Nyx smiled back. "But you know, just sometimes you could be openly nice too, and not just secretly. Though why am I talking! It's not like you're really going to take my advice."

"Probably not," House concluded.


	33. Open cases

_I don't think I've said this before, but I do appreciate the reviews. Thank you all who have bothered to say something about my little story_

**Open cases**

"So, are you sorry they made up?" Nyx asked as they strolled in her daughter's garden once again.

"I wasn't trying to break them up!" House insisted. "I just wanted Wilson to stand up and speak out and not try and be nice at all cost again. Sam isn't going to make him take care of himself."

"That didn't actually answer my question," Nyx pointed out.

"It's going to end badly," House started but then gave up. "Yes and no. They will break up and Wilson will be hurt. It would be better if it happened sooner. But I could be wrong and maybe they will be ok together."

"But you don't believe that?" Nyx asked – though it wasn't really a question.

"No," House sighed. "People don't change that much. Wilson is as he has always been – eager to please even at the expense of his own wellbeing. Sam – she was all about herself when she was young, and I can't see any real change now."

"But they seem to be doing well," Nyx suggested.

"They are fooling themselves," House shrugged. "Though I hope not, if she is staying around much longer. I'm not sure I can pick up the pieces this time."

"You do have quite a lot on your plate even without that," Nyx agreed. "There's Taub…"

"Taub's none of my business," House stated. "At least he isn't unless his stupid philandering starts to interfere with his work."

"But you can't force him to be faithful," Nyx pointed out.

"No," House agreed. "I can't force him to be faithful; I can't stop him from screwing up his marriage any more than I can force Wilson to stand up for himself. The best I can do is to nudge them and hope they get the hint."

"I'm not sure I would call what you do 'nudging'," Nyx sighed. "It's a bit more forceful than that – but I get what you mean. So what if Taub doesn't get the hint?"

"I'll torment the life out of him," House said. "Might as well get all the fun out of the situation while I can."

"You're not going to fire him?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Unless he kills a patient, I'll have no reason to fire him," House stated. "Mind you, if his wife decides to forgive him, she will probably want him to change jobs so that he can't see the other woman every day again. That's why I'll need to get what fun I can out of him before that happens."

"You think she will forgive him?" Nyx pondered.

"She has so far," House shrugged. "And people rarely change. The smart thing would be to kick him to the curb, but she loves him and he loves her and she probably thinks she has already invested so much in their relationship that she isn't willing to chuck it away."

"Even though** he** is?" Nyx wondered. "What kind of a marriage can she have if her husband isn't respecting her or their marriage?"

"The kind of marriage she is having now," House said. "She just doesn't know it."

"And you think she is better off not knowing?" Nyx frowned.

"Not my call," House told her.

"But you have often made that call for others," Nyx reminded him. "For your patients, sometimes for other doctors. That it isn't your call hasn't usually stopped you from telling."

"True," House admitted. "But I still hold out a smidgen of hope that Taub can reform. All addicts have relapses. If that is all this is, then maybe Rachel is better off not knowing. If the only thing Taub is trying hard to do is to keep his philandering a secret from her, then she would be better off knowing. But Taub is in my team. I can't just …"

"You can't help him make himself miserable because he matters to you," Nyx nodded. "He may not exactly be a friend, and it is possible that the only commitment you have made to him is to teach him, but you can't rat him out. Because it would matter too much. Rachel will in all likelihood find out eventually, but you'd rather she found out from someone else."

"If Taub can't mend his ways, it would be better if she found out about it all from him and not someone else," House assumed. "It's not going to be easy anyway but with Taub she wouldn't need to try and keep up some kind of a front."

"But isn't it exactly with the people who matter most that you want to keep your front?" Nyx wanted to know. "Isn't that why you hide your pain from Wilson and Cuddy?"

"That's a different situation," House insisted.

"How?" Nyx demanded. "Rachel wouldn't want Taub to see her pain because it would matter too much. You don't want your friends to see your pain, because that too would matter too much. So the reason why it would matter might be different, but it is still a question of it mattering."

"I can't have them making decisions about me based on my pain again," House sighed. "Remember what happened the last time?"

"You mean before Mayfield?" Nyx clarified. "Yeah, they made some bad decisions then, but mostly because they didn't have all the information. They didn't see the pain then anymore than they see it now. They just saw the pill popping. Now, well, I don't know what they see now, but they still don't have all the information. So how are they going to make better decisions involving you this time?"

"They can just leave me alone," House muttered.

"Isn't it exactly that 'alone' that worries Nolan?" Nyx claimed.

"I am reaching out more," House maintained. "I have never been that social."

"Liar!" Nyx accused him. "You used to be the life of a party. Granted you didn't have that many close friends, but you had plenty of people perfectly willing to be friends with you in the old days."

"Parties are never really real," House shrugged. "You make small talk and when you're young outrageous statements of teachers, attendants, head's of department and so on are taken differently than when you're older and the party is attended to further your career or raise funds for the hospital. And I got tired of the stupidity of people and the stupidity of brown nosing. How can you respect a department head who gives you a promotion because of blatant flattery?"

"You've never done that?" Nyx asked.

"No," House professed. "What would be the point? I can perfectly well agree with myself, what use would I have for a team who did the same? That wouldn't bring any new ideas to the table."

"You have a good team," Nyx nodded.

"I've had better," House sighed.

"But they seem to solve more cases than your previous team!" Nyx was surprised.

"Well, it is almost my old team now that Chase is back, too," House reminded her. "And he and Foreman surely have had enough training. But mostly it's a case of me being duller. They get there, but if I was in my pre-Mayfield – no, if I was in my pre-too-much-Vicodin form, the cases would be solved sooner. The pain slows me down. It takes too much of my attention and I am not as good as I used to be."

"That worries you?" Nyx's question was more a statement.

"Yes," House said simply. "I tried other interests but medical puzzles are what I came back to. If I lose this, there is nothing left."

"You have friends," Nyx suggested. "And you have made an effort to be more social and that can lead to more friends."

"And that is a good thing," House agreed. "But I am an obsessive person. Obsessing about friends is not good for me or the friends. Trust me on that."

"Well, you have been obsessing about them already," Nyx pointed out. "But I suppose it could get a lot worse so I see your point. You think you'll have a relapse?"

"Like Taub?" House asked. "Addicts usually have."

"Not all of them," Nyx tried to sound encouraging.

"Well, maybe I'll be a special case then," House said – but he didn't sound at all convinced.


	34. More than half a heart

**More than half a heart**

"That was brave," Nyx said as she appeared next to House in his office. "That is until you went for the liquid courage."

"You know," House assumed he had either passed out or fallen asleep in his chair – or on the floor. "I really don't need my dreams lecturing me about my drinking. Cuddy and Wilson are doing a perfectly adequate job without any help. Besides, it wasn't liquid courage. Just an old friend in a bottle."

"You're an addict," Nyx sighed. "Yes, it was Vicodin and not booze, but even so the bottle is not a friend. Not when you really have no way of knowing that you really can control it. You could be replacing one addiction with another."

"True," House accepted. "But sometimes you just need something to dull the edge. And booze is still better than drugs."

"Is it really a choice between either or and not neither?" Nyx despaired. "I know your leg pains you and the ibuprofen isn't enough, but talk to Nolan. Surely he can help!"

"The pain isn't just in my leg," House reminded her. "And there really are no drugs, or even drink, that can help there."

"So you chose honesty," Nyx mused. "I actually approve."

"Much good it did me," House scoffed.

"Too soon to tell," Nyx stated. "Not that I'm saying that you will win the fair lady, but you nailed your colours to the mast and it is healthier for you in the long run. She knows now where you stand and you don't need to pretend you're ok with her choice. You can't but accept it, but you don't need to like it or pretend feelings you don't have. Or rather pretend not to have feelings you do have. I truly believe that you were right and this is good for you."

"But then, goddess or not, you're still a girl," House groused.

"Or a manifestation of your subconscious," Nyx taunted.

"Or just a figment of a sick mind," House countered.

"No, definitely not that," Nyx insisted. "You do still have issues that you need to deal with, but you're ok on the whole. And you are even being nice again – even if still in your own unique way."

"So I haven't pushed Sam and Wilson into another argument," House shrugged. "I don't see how that is particularly nice – in any way."

"I wasn't talking about that," Nyx said. "I was talking about you saving Taub's marriage."

"First of all, we don't know it is saved," House maintained. "And second of all, I was trying to help Taub to be unfaithful, so I don't really see how you – or he for that matter – come to the conclusion that I was saving his marriage."

"You were showing him what a tangled web he'd need to weave once he starts to deceive," Nyx uttered. "It forced him to think. It forced him to see that it would not just be infidelity but also lying and deceiving and devaluing his wife in multitude of small ways."

"All of which would not have hurt her unless he got caught," House pointed out.

"Don't try that with me," Nyx laughed. "I know what you think and believe. You may not expect much from people, but that doesn't mean you don't call them on their actions. You have always maintained that hurt doesn't disappear just because you don't know you are hurt. The time Taub was going to spend with other women was time away from Rachel. The disrespect would have spilled over to their life together as well; she might not have known why but she would have felt it. And it is a rare cheat that truly gets away with it in the long run and it would have hurt her so much more for having been taken for a fool for so long – and a second time!. You forced Taub to face up to his reality. He may not like every aspect of it, but come what may, he is Rachel's husband. He might want to be something else; he might want to be able to forget it just once every week – for whatever reason. But he can't because what he truly, deep down in the core of his being – never mind genetics or whatever psychological reason he has for wanting to cheat – deep down he is Rachel's husband and he wants to make her happy."

"He has no way of knowing that he can stay faithful," House persisted.

"True," Nyx acknowledged. "He can only try. Day at a time; same as you survive without Cuddy. Day at a time."

"You are being melodramatic again," House accused. "I'm doing just fine without Cuddy. Same as she is doing without me."

"She isn't doing that well," Nyx mumbled.

"What was that?" House frowned.

"I'm merely pointing out that she is not nearly as happy as she ought to be if everything is as she wanted," Nyx explained.

"So the honeymoon period is over," House shrugged. "It happens. You just adjust some of your expectations and get on with everyday life."

"What if the everyday life isn't what you expected?" Nyx asked.

"As I said, you adjust some of your expectations," House repeated.

"Cuddy isn't a starry eyed high school cheerleader," Nyx stated. "She knows what everyday life is like. If she is unhappy it's not because she has an unrealistic idea of reality; it's because she has the wrong man."

"That is a possibility," House accepted. "But the only one who can remedy that situation is Cuddy herself."

"She might be afraid that she ends up alone," Nyx pointed out.

"She has Rachel," House asserted. "And she truly is perfectly capable of raising her alone. She does not need to stay with a man either for herself or for her daughter."

"Does she know that?" Nyx wondered.

"She should," House said. "And even if she doesn't know it now, I'm sure she will figure it out soon."

"What makes you so sure of that?" Nyx asked.

"When she chose to become Rachel's mother," House started. "She was making that decision alone and she was choosing to be a single parent. She knew what she was doing then, she knew where she stood. There is no reason to assume she can't go back to that certainty again. She was fine. She wasn't seeing anyone and there was nobody in her life that she could have wanted as a man in her life and a father figure for Rachel."

"Is that a fact?" Nyx smiled secretively.

"What do you mean?" House asked again.

"Nothing, I'm sure," Nyx exclaimed with innocence just before she faded away as House woke up in his chair in his office.

"Darn, but that is annoying," House sighed as he tried to stretch the kinks out of his shoulders. "The last thing I need is my subconscious whispering stupid advice in my ears."


	35. About

**About ****…**

"Are you ok?" Nyx asked as she watched House throw pebbles into the river running through Death's garden. House mere shrugged. "Come on House! Talk to me."

"I'm all talked out," House nearly snarled at her. "Talking is useless. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't help anything, it doesn't get you anything."

"That's an odd thing coming from a man who does most of his thinking by talking," Nyx stated. "That is how you solve your puzzles: you talk them out. And you save lives whenever possible."

"That is about information, about facts," House dismissed. "That's how you find the pieces you need to put together to get the results. That kind of talking leads to action and action changes things. Unless there is nothing to change. Sometimes it doesn't help to know, because the patient is dying anyway – either because they got to you too late or it was terminal to start with."

"But that is exactly what Nolan does, too," Nyx insisted. "He finds the pieces of the puzzle and then tries to find what can be changed, and the point of all that is to try and help you find a way to change your life for the better. But when it's a life you try to heal, you don't always get the results you want. An illness either responds to treatment or not. It really is either or. With lives, well, lives are puzzles themselves, when you work on one piece the picture changes but it takes time for the rest of the pieces to catch on and when all pieces have changed the picture is something you didn't know to expect."

"You're trying to tell me that the only piece I can work on is me," House sighed. "And all the other pieces are working on themselves too – maybe alone or maybe with a couple of other pieces – and nobody has control of the overall picture and that is why it usually is such a mess. I already knew that."

"It's not always a mess," Nyx huffed. "Sometimes it just seems like one because your own wishes and expectations get in the way. And sometimes other pieces expect you to change in the way they think you should or fear you would or they think you can't change at all, so they can't adjust to your change."

"You know, I don't really like change," House inserted.

"Nobody does," Nyx accepted. "But it is inevitable. Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes you can guide it sometimes you are just in for the ride. I know you know the prayer: 'God grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other.' You heard it often enough as a child."

"Sure, but I don't believe in God, - or gods," House added the last rather pointedly.

"Fine, Andre the Giant then," Nyx rolled her eyes – soliciting a small laugh out of House. "Whatever your higher power is. The point is, that Nolan is trying to help you find the answers, the wisdom to see what you can change in your life and what you just have to live with."

"Apparently I have to live with Lucas," it was House's turn to roll his eyes.

"You can't change Cuddy," Nyx sighed. "You don't really even want to. And one of her defining characteristics is how stubborn she is. She may use it wrong sometimes, but that is who she is. Just like you told your patient's husband, we are not only who we are born to be we are also what life made us to be. Most of the times you can't separate those two, but with amnesia your patient lost almost everything that life had made her to be and she became mostly what she was born to be. You told her husband that not only does he need to let her learn to know him all over again, he, too needs to learn who she is now. The essence of her was unchanged, but the manifestations of that were bound to be different."

"There is no guarantee that he will like the new manifestations," House pointed out.

"Which is why you told him to go courting," Nyx pointed back. "Start over. Accept what could not be changed and go on from there with a more open mind. He, too, had to let go of the past so he could find a 'new' girl. Sure, the new girl was in his wife's body, but that could actually make things more difficult."

"So you're telling me I ought to take my own advice and go after a new girl, too," House ruminated. "Only my 'new girl' really should be in a new body as well."

"Yes," Nyx pronounced. "I truly believe Cuddy is making a mistake with Lucas, but you can't make her see it. Especially if she is already suspecting that that is what she has done. She has made up her mind that Lucas is what Rachel and she need – and yes, in that order – and no matter how doubtful she is now, she isn't turning her course. This is the ship she is sailing and that's it."

"In other words, yes, there is trouble in Paradise, no Lucas hasn't a clue and yes, Cuddy is going to ignore it to the best of her rather amazing abilities," House summarized.

"Exactly," Nyx confirmed. "And I'm also telling you to accept it. For your own good. You cannot change her, so you have to let go."

"It's not easy," House muttered. "And I don't see how that is going to make me happy."

"True, letting go of someone you love is never easy," Nyx agreed with apparent feeling. "But you cannot force the issue with her. She is in charge of her own choices – good and bad. Cuddy can wait until Rachel is 18 to finally go after her own happiness, but you cannot. I know how you feel about her, but she is not the only woman for you. It will take time, but you will find someone else. You have had others. There was Stacy and Lydia who both meant a lot to you for different reasons. You do have other choices and you've had other chances. Cameron, for one, would have been all over you had you given her any encouragement."

"Cameron was never an option," House stated. "Too young and too damaged."

"You like damaged people," Nyx reminded him.

"Everybody is damaged," House shrugged. "But Cameron was trying to fix her own damage by trying to fix everybody else. Now that wouldn't have been that bad, had she wanted to really fix what was wrong, but she had a very definite idea of what ought to be right. No, that would not have worked with me at all. She was good for me as a member of my team. She brought balance to Chase and Foreman. But to try anything else with her would have been looking for real trouble. As Chase found out."

"Chase is not you," Nyx maintained. "And you don't really know what went on in their marriage."

"But I can make a pretty good guess," House assumed. "However, that is irrelevant. I was never interested in Cameron like that. Had she not been in my team I might have considered something short term with her, but she was too young – in more ways than one."

"Ok," Nyx shrugged. "I wasn't really pushing you towards her, just pointing out that women are interested in you."

"Not just women," House grinned devilishly. "I'm sure Nurse Jeffery has the hots for me, too."

"If only you were gay," Nyx shook her head regretfully. "There would be Wilson, too. If he was gay, that is. But be that as it may, you do have options out there. Other than Cuddy. If you can let go of her."

"As she isn't mine," House sighed. "And most emphatically doesn't even want to be, I don't have a lot of choice, do I?"

"You could carry a torch for her for the rest of your life," Nyx suggested dryly.

"Not really my style," House agreed. "Though I will always think of her fondly. But I don't think I can be her friend. Not like before."

"I know," Nyx nodded. "It is too late to hit reset. But that doesn't mean you can't say goodbye to your old friend before you leave her."

"You mean it's time to give her that book?" House asked.

"I think it rather is now or never," Nyx stated. "You got it for her better give it to her before you lose it again. There are only so many times you can expect Alvie to steal it back for you before he gets caught."

"If Alvie loses it again, then Alvie will get it back, too," House vowed. "But I think he did learn his lesson."

"But even so…" Nyx prompted.

"Even so," House admitted. "Yes, it is now or never. I suppose it is a fitting way to say goodbye to a friendship; to the past. She won't see it that way though."

"She hasn't seen you clearly for quite some time," Nyx said sadly. "But that, too, is something you can't change. Nobody is as blind as those who don't want to see."

"I've done my share of 'not wanting to see', so I guess I can relate," House sighed. "So from now on what was, was; what is, is; and what will be, will be."

"I will hold you to that, you know," Nyx nearly threatened.

"I know," House accepted. "It will, however, remain to be seen if I care."

"Oh, go on," Nyx actually made a face at him. "Wake up or something!"


	36. When you try

**When you try…**

"And sometimes, when you try, you get what you need…" Nyx concluded as he sat down next to House in the gazebo.

"But I wasn't trying!" House protested. "I mean, sure I was trying to let her go and live her life without interference. I was trying to be mature about it – and she didn't even really believe it. So how did I get here from there?"

"First of all she was wrong about you taking the patient's side against her," Nyx stated. "You really were just taking Hannah's side, nothing else. You bonded with her, for several reasons, so you weren't completely objective but it wasn't because of Lucas. But in the end you did everything you could. You were being mature and eventually Cuddy saw it."

"And still I didn't save Hannah," House sighed.

"True, but you do know that sometimes that happens," Nyx agreed. "Even when you do everything right, people still die. That is why you don't want to see patients. I am surprised that so few have figured it out."

"You don't expect a jerk to care," House pointed out.

"So when he does, it's all the more powerful," Nyx said. "That is why Cuddy couldn't go on without you. She has known it for some time, actually, but she convinced herself that she could make it work with Lucas if you were still her friend. Once she realized that you weren't going to play that game and that you were even letting her go on with her life with Lucas without interference she freaked out a little. That is why she yelled at you the things she did."

"But they were things that needed to be yelled," House defended Cuddy.

"I agree with the things she said, because you needed to do what gave Hannah the best chance to survive," Nyx accepted. "But Cuddy's reasons for yelling at you were wrong. It wasn't about you and her, it was about you and Hannah and your past."

"And I lived but she didn't," House observed. "Somehow it doesn't feel right."

"It never does," Nyx agreed. "But you did everything. That does matter. It did matter to her and her husband. You did everything. You even prayed. Like Esteban, you did everything."

"But this time god screwed up twice," House said dryly. "First He screwed up the man who was handling the crane and then He screwed up Hannah. How is that working for all those religious people hiding in their holes?"

"Since you don't know," Nyx stated. "I don't know either. Or at least, I can't tell."

"You can't tell me what happened to Hannah either," House assumed. "Can you?"

"No," Nyx answered. "I can't tell you anything you don't already believe."

"Some goddess you are," House sighed. "I suppose you can't even tell me what to do now."

"About what?" Nyx asked.

"Me and Cuddy," House stated the obvious. "And Rachel since the infant comes with Cuddy."

"You have a problem with Rachel?" Nyx asked.

"It's more a case of thinking that Rachel might have a problem with me," House asserted. "She is used to Lucas. Sure she is young but not so young as to confuse one male with another. Also, I don't know anything about parenting."

"Cuddy will do the parenting, since Rachel is her child," Nyx reminded him. "But yes, somehow you need to figure a way to be a significant male presence for Rachel. And I rather think you will. You do get along just fine with kids."

"For short periods of time," House insisted. "In the clinic; where I don't really need to respect the idiot parents. But Cuddy isn't an idiot. And Rachel will be there for a much longer time – and more often - than an ear or nose examination needs. And she won't be a kid forever. If we make it, that is. Cuddy and I could well be over in a week."

"No way will you be through that soon," Nyx laughed. "You have been working towards this for some twenty years – one way or another. You will definitely give this every chance you can and you're both very stubborn people. It will take at least a year before you will even think of giving up on each other."

"Maybe," House acknowledged. "But it won't be a smooth ride."

"Not with you two," Nyx completely agreed. "And you will also break up Wilson and Sam while you're at it."

"What?" House was puzzled. "I know Wilson and Sam have no chance of surviving as both of them are trying to revisit a time that actually never was, but how will Cuddy and me being together break them up?"

"Sam doesn't know yet what a Gossip Girl Wilson is," Nyx pointed out. "He will want to talk about you and Cuddy incessantly. And his interest will be more focused on you two than on Sam. She won't like it."

"You're telling me that I'm going to have the two most important people in my life, IN my life, because I basically let go?" House wondered.

"When you set people free," Nyx told him. "They may indeed choose to stay. It's when you try to take their freedom to choose away from them that they try to create a distance."

"Sometimes they don't know what to choose," House insisted. "Somebody has to give them a push."

"And you did do that," Nyx agreed. "Only that push tended to be away from you. I'm not saying that Cuddy isn't responsible for her own choices but had you not pushed she might have ended things with Lucas sooner."

"They should have ended it after Thanksgiving," House grumbled.

"That would have been better for Lucas," Nyx agreed. "But it would not have been good for you. Or Cuddy. She needed to get to this point on her own. And you needed to get the courage to really say what you want. And directly to her not through Lucas. Now you are both pretty much in the same place together and you have a lot better chance of making it that what you would have had had they broken up after your shenanigans."

"I don't know if we have much of a chance even now," House sighed.

"But before you would have had almost none," Nyx pointed out. "You are both difficult people in your own ways. But you are also pretty amazing in your own ways and this is definitely something that you need to give a chance. Cuddy tried to want Lucas. She wanted an uncomplicated relationship but that didn't work because she needed you. You tried not to care, you tried to drown your feelings with Vicodin, you wanted to be totally self-sufficient and in the end you had to accept that you need Cuddy. Both of you have tried to fight it, but in the end you had to accept that you need each other and you have to see this through. It will be a bumpy ride, make no mistake about that, but nobody can see how it will end."

"So you don't see any 'happily ever after' scenarios?" House asked.

"With you two?" Nyx laughed out loud. "Something like that would bore you both to distraction. No way. I believe that you will eventually find a way to deal with each other, but what happiness you will get, will be in between the fights and arguments. Mind you, one of her dates did once point out that that is when she is at her most compelling."

"When?" House wanted to know.

"When she is arguing with you," Nyx responded. "That is when she comes to her own. She is compelling, passionate, focused and intense. Completely fascinating."

"She is that," House agreed. "One of the reasons why I argue with her so often."

"I'm sure everyone has noticed," Nyx observed. "I have no doubt that the arguments will go on as before since you are both very opinionated. Just don't take them home with you, ok?"

"I suppose that is good advice," House agreed. "How to follow it is a different matter entirely. I don't know how this can ever work. I don't even know how to give her what she wants!"

"Why not then give her what she needs?" Nyx suggested.

"And what might that be?" House huffed.

"Same thing Amber needed from Wilson," Nyx answered.

"Amber needed Wilson to take care of himself," House pointed out. "And she needed him to just love her."

"Exactly," Nyx nodded. "And that is a good place for you to start with Cuddy as well. Take care of yourself and love her."

"Sounds simple when you say it," House doubted.

"With you two, nothing will be simple," Nyx declared.


	37. Hypnotic dreams

**Hypnotic**** dreams**

"I believe this is the place where I can say I told you so?" Hypnos offered as he appeared in Cuddy's dream.

Cuddy looked around and realised she must have nodded off in her office where she was trying to get through all the paperwork that the crane had created. "Told me what?" She prevaricated.

"Just that Lucas wasn't the right man for you," Hypnos shrugged. "Or words to that effect."

"I'm sure I don't remember you having said anything of the sort," Cuddy denied.

"And I'm sure you do," Hypnos countered. "I'm perfectly ok with you not remembering my previous visit when you are awake, but don't try to fool me into believing that you don't remember me in your sleep. It's like you trying to deny your feelings for House. Nobody's going to believe you."

"I…," Cuddy started defiantly but then capitulated. "I suppose there is no point in denying my feelings for House, not even to myself. I have pretty much burned my bridges now that I called things off with Lucas and told House why."

"But you got what you wanted," Hypnos pointed out. "He is willing to try a relationship."

"I'm not sure we will succeed," Cuddy made a face. "I'm not even sure you can say that this is what I wanted. I sure as heck didn't want to want this. But I need to try."

"Need is good," Hypnos stated. "After all he needs you. And it's not like Lucas quite lived up to the hype anyway."

"What do you mean," Cuddy asked suspiciously.

"Come on, you know what I mean," Hypnos admonished her. "Why were you so shocked when you believed that House was giving you an engagement gift?"

"I was just surprised that he knew," Cuddy shrugged. "Though, as it turned out, he didn't."

"Try again," Hypnos invited.

"Ok, fine," Cuddy capitulated again. "For a moment there I feared that Lucas had called him immediately to gloat. I knew there was some kind of rivalry going on between them. I had asked Lucas to let me be the one to tell House – but then, of course, the crane interfered – so when House gave me the gift I felt betrayed. For a moment. Then, naturally, it turned out that it was a house warming gift and not an engagement gift, but still. Just a momentary lapse."

"And naturally, you were also appalled at the idea that House would take it so gracefully," Hypnos assumed. "You really didn't want him to let you go."

"I wanted him to let me go," Cuddy insisted. "Then."

"Because it would have made things easier for you," Hypnos agreed. "But he has never been one to do your dirty work for you. He may lay everything in line for you; summarize the situation, but action is all yours."

"And he's darn good at summarizing," Cuddy muttered.

"Sometimes he has a very clear vision about things," Hypnos nodded. "Do you really think he was trying to get back at you for Lucas when he tried to save Hannah's foot?"

"No," Cuddy felt ashamed now for her words. "As it turns out, he was right. He saw the situation so much more clearly. I do think, now, that his own experience did affect his judgment, but not as much as I believed. He was still thinking clearly for the patient, no matter what else may have been on his mind. He did everything he could and he did everything right. I would have cut her leg off sooner and she would have died before her husband even got there. I should have trusted him all along. After all, that is why I wanted him at the accident site: he is superb at triage. He may not be that nimble on his feet, especially in the kind of rubble the site was reduced to, but he knows with almost just a glance if the patient has a chance to make it or not. He truly is a remarkable doctor."

"You weren't wrong about the things you yelled at him," Hypnos told her. "Except for the Lucas part of it, that is."

"I… it still wasn't the place or the time," Cuddy said. "And I wasn't saying those things for any kind of right reason. I was more trying to convince myself that I did not love him, that he wasn't even worthy of my love, than anything else. I wasn't trying to open his eyes; I was trying to close mine."

"Didn't succeed that well, did you," Hypnos suggested.

"No," Cuddy sniffed. "I might have succeeded in blinkering myself, but then he had to come in and talk Hannah into accepting the amputation. Even had I truly hated him before that… How could I not have fallen in love with him all over again! He wasn't putting on a show; I might as well not even have been there for all he cared, because he was there for Hannah. I kept telling myself, before this, that he is selfish and immature and incapable of committing to a relationship – sure, once he came back from Mayfield there were signs that he had changed, but I ignored them as I had already decided on Lucas – but when he spoke to Hannah he was showing his true colours. No matter what he tries to portray on the surface, he is a good man. And much more mature than I have wanted to give him credit for."

"And have you finally figured out why he doesn't want much contact with patients?" Hypnos asked.

"Strange, isn't it," Cuddy laughed. "The man who has the biggest reputation for being an uncaring jerk is probably the one who is capable of caring the most. He may even be worse than Wilson. Yeah, I think I have figured it out finally. He needs not to care so that he can do his best for the patient. It's a strange but working ethical code. He is totally committed to giving the best possible medical care for the patient and therefore he can't care for the patient. That won't make my job any easier, though. Because he will still attract law suits like a magnet."

"Well, he has rather promoted the un-caring to an art form," Hypnos pointed out. "But he could 'not-care' a little more gently."

"I'll try and suggest it to him," Cuddy smiled ruefully.

"I suppose it wasn't easy to tell Lucas to take a hike?" Hypnos suggested.

"Lucas isn't a fool," Cuddy sighed. "He knew what I was going to do almost before I had said anything. In fact, he said that one of the reasons why he had proposed was because he felt that I was slipping away from him. He couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but he felt a distance. Had felt it for some time now."

"You told him it was because of House that you broke things up with him?" Hypnos queried.

"It wasn't exactly a secret to him," Cuddy asserted. "As I said, he isn't stupid. Besides it would have been stupid of me to try and hide it when I had every intention to pursue House."

"He didn't need much pursuing," Hypnos reminded her.

"No," Cuddy admitted. "But after everything I had said to him – and done to him in order to alienate him, I couldn't be sure I hadn't succeeded. He might have wanted to punish me for my stupidity."

"House!" Hypnos nearly laughed.

"He isn't exactly the most forgiving of men!" Cuddy defended herself.

"When has he ever not forgiven you?" Hypnos asked.

"This could have been a first," Cuddy pointed out. "I haven't been this cruel for this long before."

"So it was even braver of you to go to him than I had first thought," Hypnos mused. "Good for you."

"Thanks," Cuddy muttered. "Originally I was just checking up on him after all that had happened. It seemed like a good idea, to just stop by on my way back to the hospital as he had that wound too that needed checking. But when I found him in the bathroom – he must have sat there for hours! – things just happened. I couldn't help but blurt it all out right away. Besides, he deserved to get the chance to tell me that he told me so."

"He didn't," Hypnos stated. "You did notice that, right?"

"Yeah," Cuddy confirmed. "Just like I did notice that though he had been home for hours he still hadn't taken the Vicodin. Have to say, it was an interesting hiding place. I would never have found it."

"You're going to help him stay clean?" Hypnos asked. "After all, you stopped him from taking any this time."

"No I didn't," Cuddy insisted. "And I won't. If we are going to make this work I can't be his keeper. Or his nurse or his reason to stay sober. If being with me gives him strength, then good, but he has to do it himself. Alone. Had he really wanted to take the pill, he would have taken it already, before I ever got to him. I have no doubt in my mind at all that he had already decided not to take it by the time I got there."

"You do sound pretty sure," Hypnos observed. "You think he will stay sober?"

"He will drink," Cuddy stated. "I have no doubt about that. I don't know if he will go back to Vicodin or not. If he does, then we will probably be over. I cannot have a relationship where Vicodin is the third wheel. I am a mother now, after all."

"So if he relapses, you're done?" Hypnos clarified.

"Maybe," Cuddy said. "Depends on how bad the relapse is and if he can kick it again. Soon."

"The prognosis for this relationship isn't exactly terribly favourable," Hypnos sounded somewhat amused.

Before Cuddy could answer there was a knock on her office door and she woke up. Foreman walked in: "Sorry to disturb you, but just wanted to know if House is ok."

"You don't usually worry about him," Cuddy wondered. "Why now?"

"After what happened yesterday…" Foreman didn't quite know what he wanted to say. "It was a rough day. I just wondered."

"He's ok," Cuddy told him. "You don't need to worry. Now, I still have paper work to complete so if that was all?"

"Yeah," Foreman shrugged and turned to go. "I guess."


	38. Night to day

_This is the last chapter for this story. Once season 7 starts, Nyx may come back, but I will start a new story for the new season. Or maybe I shouldn't call it a new story just part II of this one. Thank you for reading and thanks for the reviews._

**Night to day**

"You're an idiot!"

Wilson looked around startled. He was in his office but the Dark Lady he found with his eyes was totally unfamiliar to him.

"Who are you?" Wilson asked. "And what is this?"

"I'm Nyx," Nyx responded. "And be not afraid, this is just a dream."

"More like a nightmare," Wilson muttered as he shuddered at her words.

"Relax," Nyx smiled. "As unfortunate pranks go, that was harmless. Anyone who has seen the movie knows that it wasn't you in the 'interesting' parts. Though I have to admit that I have a strange fondness for the image of you in antlers."

"So happy to be able to please you," Wilson muttered – then realising what he had said! "Not that, I mean, I wasn't suggesting. I meant that in a totally non-sexual way."

"Much as I would like to just watch you floundering," Nyx admitted. "I seem to be in a generous mood. I do understand what you meant. Doesn't change the fact, though, that you are an idiot."

"I didn't know what he was going to do with it!" Wilson defended himself.

"I wasn't talking about your film career," Nyx scorned. "Everyone's an idiot when young. I'm talking about you being an idiot even when you are old enough to know better."

"I'm not aware of having done anything particularly idiotic lately," Wilson defended himself. "So you need to explain yourself."

"You don't think moving in with your ex wife after only a few weeks of getting re-acquainted isn't idiotic?" Nyx wondered.

"We've known each other for years," Wilson insisted.

"No," Nyx corrected. "You knew each other years ago, and now you've met again after several marriages and expect to be able to pick up where you most definitely did not leave off. Neither of you have changed enough and neither of you is the same as you were. You are just trying to recapture your youth. And not even the real thing but the idealised version you think you would have had had you known then what you know now."

"That's not it at all!" Wilson insisted. "We are two different people now. We have grown and we want to see where this takes us. It's called seizing the moment!"

"If this is 'carpeing the diem' and not just repeating your old pattern," Nyx's voiced. "Why did everybody know you were going to do it before you had even decided to do it?"

"It may seem like what I always do," Wilson was willing to admit. "But this is different."

"It's always different," Nyx sighed. "Except when it's over and you see that it was just the same old same old. She expects you to make her happy and you try your best – at your own expense. The only time it really WAS different was with Amber, who didn't want you to make her happy. She just wanted **you** to be happy and to love her."

"Don't bring Amber into this!" Wilson begged.

"This is your dream," Nyx reminded him. "I don't need to bring her into anything. She is always here."

"I'm getting over it," Wilson muttered.

"And so you should," Nyx agreed. "Of course you need to go on with your life. House has been pushing you to do that for months. But that does not mean forgetting her. She is in your past, and so she should be, but she is still a part of you. Of the life you have lived. You know what she would think of Sam."

"Same as House did," Wilson sighed.

"Did?" Nyx questioned.

"They are ok with each other now," Wilson claimed. "Not best friends, of course, but they get along and Sam actually likes House."

"She just says so because she thinks she won," Nyx pointed out. "She is living with you and House isn't. She thinks she can be generous now."

"House isn't exactly causing any trouble either," Wilson maintained.

"Because he knows that all he needs to do is to sit and wait," Nyx shrugged. "You always go back to him when your relationships fail. He has always been there for you. The one constant in your life."

"He is still my best friend," Wilson squirmed a bit. "Even if I'm in a relationship that doesn't need to change. At least, not much."

"And when the relationship is over, you can pick up where you left. Right?" Nyx suggested. "Only, what if House isn't where you left him anymore? What if he has moved on with his life?"

"I don't think he will do that any time soon," Wilson said sadly. "He really loved Cuddy and now that she is marrying Lucas… It will take a long time for him to move on from that."

"Cuddy is marrying Lucas?" Nyx smiled mysteriously.

"I don't know if House knows yet," Wilson stated. "I only found out myself as I was leaving the hospital. I heard couple of the nurses talking about the engagement ring Cuddy was wearing as she came to work that day. She wouldn't have worn it to the accident site, so I don't know if she told House or not, but he did suspect something was up, so if he had time he surely made Cuddy tell him."

"He may have had time for a lot more than you expect," Nyx muttered with a mysterious twinkle in her eye.

"What are you talking about?" Wilson demanded.

"Oh, never mind," Nyx dismissed his demand. "You will find out eventually."

"He didn't do anything drastic!" Wilson worried. "No, I don't know what you're trying to imply but he didn't have time to do anything to Lucas. He had more than his hands full with his patient. And afterwards… I don't think he gave Lucas even a thought. He was too devastated over losing his patient. He hates that."

"Most people seem to think he can just shrug it off," Nyx pointed out. "In fact, half the hospital is still in shock over his reaction."

"Because they are idiots," Wilson huffed. "He hates losing patients to 'fate' or whatever you want to call it. He did everything right and he still lost his patient. He hates that."

"Didn't you use to think that he doesn't care what happens to the patient as long as he's right?" Nyx queried.

"Maybe," Wilson admitted. "But that was a long time ago. I have learned better. So with that on his mind, there is no way he cared about Lucas and Cuddy. That is if he knew about them."

"You know that is not true," Nyx insisted. "Were he to lose Cuddy nothing would obliterate that from his mind even for a short time."

"What do you mean 'were he to lose Cuddy'?" Wilson repeated. "Cuddy is getting married. House has lost her. Maybe she won't be totally out of his life, but he doesn't want to be just friends with her. Nothing will ever be the same again."

"Well you do have that right," Nyx admitted. "Things have changed a lot. Just maybe not quite the way you think."

"Clarify!" Wilson nearly yelled at Nyx. "You are being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious."

"Well, that is part of my nature," Nyx explained. "Also this is your dream so I cannot tell you what you don't know."

"But that does not explain your cryptic remarks," Wilson insisted. "If I don't know something, then how can you hint at it?"

"Because you do see more than you realise," Nyx clarified. "Your subconscious knows or suspects things that you don't consciously understand. Also you do wish that Lucas had dropped off the edge of the world long before he ever set eyes on Cuddy. You do think he is all wrong for her and you do wish House would do something drastic about him."

"Maybe," Wilson accepted. "But since he is Cuddy's choice I hope he will make her happy."

"Oh I think you can trust Cuddy to do her best to find happiness," Nyx smiled.

"There you go with the cryptic remarks again!" Wilson accused. "What is it that I'm supposed to have seen or heard that causes them?"

"Search your subconscious," Nyx suggested and disappeared.

"Pox on my subconscious," Wilson exclaimed as he woke up in his bed and realised it was about time to get up and go to work. "Dammit! What is it that happened between them at the crash site?"


End file.
